Gifts and Curses
by alwaysbringback-up
Summary: Alex and Olivia have been ripped apart, and now years later have been brought together again. Emotions are raw and confusion threatens to rip them apart. When a case goes disturbingly wrong, will they have what it takes to figure it out?
1. Chapter 1

Title: **Gifts and Curses**  
Category: TV Shows » Law and Order: SVU  
Author: greygirl03  
Language: English, Rating: Rated: M  
Genre: Drama/Friendship  
Published: 09-17-10, Updated: 11-07-10  
Chapters: 6, Words: 36,598

**Chapter 1: Chapter 1**

A/N: **First of all, I would like to point out that this story is based in the Law and Order: SVU fandom, and that it is my first in line with the show. I also would like to be forthcoming that this is a F/F story. If you don't care to be open minded in regards to this pairing then please don't read!**___**I plan for this to be a short story. It's total length should be only about five or six chapters, enough to develop a good storyline. I've made a promise to myself not to drag it out since I have many unfinished stories. I've rated it M as a precaution. If there are any chapters in which there is sexual content, I promise I will give you a warning beforehand.**_

**Title: Gifts and Curses**

**Fandom:**L&O: SVU

**Pairing:** Alex/Olivia

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the SVU universe. Any writing is done purely for recreational purposes. No ill harm is intended.

Olivia found herself shifting uncomfortably as she felt one certain pair of eyes take her in. As much as she tried to ignore the feeling the persistent buzzing in her skull, she couldn't push it out of her mind. With slow discreet movements she found herself looking around, her hand lingering on her neck, as she twisted it to and fro. She used her fingers to cover the broad expanse of her jaw. With a tense ragged breath, Olivia realized she had once again imagined it. And so she stretched, trying in vain to loosen the tightly knotted muscles in her back and shoulders. Letting out a sigh, she squeezed her eyes shut, before trying to rub her tired features from her features. She inhaled deeply, what was meant to be another calming breath. Instead, she swore she smelled the smallest hint of perfume, a familiar scent. And so thus Olivia was plagued with another lingering thought of a particular, blonde haired, blue eyed District Attorney.

Olivia let out a low groan and opened her eyes, looking back to the case file she had gone over again and again during the course of the last few hours. She was convinced that there was something she was missing, but try as she might, she couldn't figure out what it was. Her gut, which she had learned to trust over the course of her long career as a detective, told her that they already had the rapist pinned. Unfortunately, anyone who knew their ADA well enough, also knew that having a "hunch" about a particular suspect was never enough, and that she would throw it back in their faces if they went to her for a warrant before they had the evidence to charge him. Olivia had been trying to distract herself with work, in an effort to drown out the unpleasant thoughts that seemed to take hold of her mind in the past couple of weeks. She found herself sitting up straighter in her chair as she heard Elliot thank whoever it was on the other line before tossing the headset back into it's cradle. He looked up to meet her eyes instantaneously, with a very pleased look in his baby blues.

"So… What have we got?" Olivia asked stretching out her shoulders.

"Well, it just so happens that the results from Hector's DNA that we sent to the lab, just came back," Elliot smiled, "I'm about to head down and check it out." He paused to scribble something down on his pad.

"You want to come with?" Elliot asked, looking up again.

"Actually, I've been thinking," Olivia replied slowly, "There's a hole wide enough in Hector's alibi for an elephant to trample through. I'm going to go try to talk to Jess again, and see if I rattle her cage a little bit."

"You think you can get her to recant her statement?" Elliot inquired, looking intrigued.

"I sure hope so," Olivia replied, checking Jess' address one last time. "I swear, El. I've never seen a witness so antsy in my entire life. She's scared to death of him, whether she'll admit it or not."

"Okay," Elliot swallowed, "So I guess we'll part ways for now and meet back here in an hour or so."

"Sounds good to me," Olivia smiled, "Now let's get this asshole." _That'll get my mind of things for a while,_ she thought to herself. _It just has to._

Olivia stood up at the same time as Elliot and grabbed her coat from the back of her chair. She looked down at her desk as she slipped both arms into the sleeves and shrugged it on. Her breath caught in her chest as she looked up to find Alex walking out of Cragen's office.

"Oh. Hey," Alex greeted the detective softly with a smile. "How's the case coming?" Olivia tensed inwardly as she watched Elliot slip out of the door unnoticed, leaving her alone with the ADA. Alex's expression was gentle as she tried to catch Olivia's eyes. Olivia, however, was doing her best to avoid the blonde's stunning blue eyes. Luckily, Alex was rewarded when Olivia slipped up, causing her crystalline blue eyes to meet Benson's rich chocolate browns. "Liv?"

_God, it's not fair that she can make me a wreck just by looking at me_, Olivia found herself thinking. _Come on Benson_, she coached herself,_ you're supposed to be angry with her, remember?_With a ragged breath and clenched fists, Olivia broke the eye contact. With jerky movements, she plucked her notepad, phone, and gun holster, all the while hoping that Alex would just walk away. Olivia swallowed, looking up. In a quick decisive movement, she gently shouldered her way around the blonde heading briskly for the door. Olivia's eyes squeezed shut for a moment as their arms brushed together, sending a jolt through her body. _Next time,_Olivia thought, as she silently berated herself,_ you might want __leave more space if you wish to make it out of the squad room without incident._ Her eyes snapped back open as she neared the door and she very nearly turned around, but did not yield to the ADA.

"We're working on it," she tossed over her shoulder before rushing out of her room, leaving Alex there, staring after her.

The next couple of hours passed in a fog. Sure enough, after Olivia had threatened Jess as an accessory to the murder for obstructing their investigation, she conveniently let it slip that Hector wasn't actually with her during the time he specified. That, along with their first round of evasive questioning should be enough to get a warrant.

She squared her shoulders as she walked into the squad room. She shimmied out of her coat.

"Just thought I'd warn you, it looks like we'll be working a bit later today," Elliot said looking at her, his bright blue eyes shining. She knew the news must have been good.

"I take it the DNA came back in our favor?" Olivia asked, while walking over to her locker to grab any messages that may have come in while she was away. She rifled through them quickly as she walked back to her desk and sat down.

"Yeah," Elliot nodded. "So..." Elliot said slowly, "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

"We've got him," Olivia said emphatically, "It became obvious very early on in our conversation that Hector threatened Jess with her own murder if she didn't vouch for him."

"You get her to come clean about all of it?" Elliot asked worriedly.

"Yeah," Olivia smiled victoriously, "So I told her to get out of town as fast as she could and go somewhere safe until we can bring him in. I think we've got what we need." Olivia paused. Without much thought, another bunch of words were tumbling from her mouth, "I expect Cabot will be pleased."

Olivia flinched as she heard the very distinct footsteps of the ADA approach. Her eyes looked up to confirm Alex's presence as the blonde waltzed into the room. A smile fell across her lips as she spoke.

"Pleased about what, detective?" she said as she locked eyes with Olivia. Olivia broke eye contact immediately, knowing that she wouldn't be able to speak otherwise. _Shit. Can you really not control yourself better than this, Olivia?_

"Well," Olivia said with a smug expression on her face, "We think we got what you need."

"Meaning that the DNA that you obtained when questioning the suspect came back? Let me guess...it's a match." Alex said evenly. "Look, Liv, I told you, I don't think that it will be admissible in court." Alex argued.

"I told you," Olivia groaned. "The arrogant prick actually spit on me!"

"But you provoked him," Alex sighed, tiredly, weary of arguing with the detective.

"Elliot?" Olivia said bitterly, "Do you reckon that I provoked Mr. Rodriguez to spit on me?"

"No way," Elliot shook his head with a wicked glint in his eyes, "I think that part was voluntary." Alex groaned as she ran her hand over her face. _I swear, those two can read each other's minds. If only Liv knew what I was thinking..._

"I trust that you have enough to charge him, then?" Alex asked as she walked closer. "Because this might be our last shot," she said quietly, "We need something concrete enough to charge him and hold him." She felt displeased to find that Olivia wouldn't look at her, no matter where she stood in the room. Alex found herself swallowing over the dryness left in her throat. With a sigh she perched herself on the edge of Olivia's desk.

"Olivia got Jess to disavow her earlier statement. So as it turns out, it looks like Rodriguez's alibi just fell out from under him. I'd say we got enough." Elliot replied.

"I'm assuming you need a warrant," Alex spoke standing up and pushing off Olivia's desk. "Alright. I'll go have one rushed for you. With some luck, it should be here within the hour." She looked pointedly at Olivia, who was still acting as if she didn't exist. _Liv, why can't you look at me?_She wanted to ask aloud. But she knew why the brunette couldn't look at her. Suddenly, the guilt felt overwhelming, and Alex felt the need to get out of there. "Then we can finally nail that son of a bitch." The coarse language Alex used had the desired effect, causing Olivia's head to shoot up from the file she had been engrossing herself with.

"Did Alex Cabot just say what I think she said?" Elliot asked his partner. Olivia shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts.

"I don't know," Olivia swallowed, "It sounded like she just said that she wants us to..."

"Forget I said anything," Alex interrupted, waving them off. "I suppose that I'm just a little bit invested in this one. I want the jerk rotting away in prison like he deserves. It's just disgusting. Sam trusted him. She loved him. And he raped her, slit her throat, and left her to bleed out on the sidewalk..."

"Hey. Alex," Olivia offered a reassuring smile towards the blonde. Seeming for the first time in a couple of weeks, "Don't worry about it, okay? We'll get him. You do your part and we'll do ours." Alex nodded.

"I...uh..." Alex muttered as she tried to collect her thoughts. It had been nearly two weeks since Olivia had spoken a friendly word to her. "I left the Ferrars case file on your desk. I need you to testify in court on Thursday."

"I'll take care of it," Olivia nodded. "Now...if I'm remembering correctly, you have a warrant to get for us."

"Right," Alex nodded, nearly tripping as she rushed for the door. "I'll be back," she said as she walked quickly out the door.

Olivia found her eyes following the ADA's endless, toned legs up to the point where they disappeared underneath the black pencil skirt she wore. Olivia let out a groan as she closed her eyes. _Pull yourself together, Olivia. She's made it clear that it can't happen. You need to get over it._

"What the heck is going on between you two?" Elliot's voice forced her out of her reverie.

"Sorry," Olivia spoke with a shake of her head, "What?"

"Nothing..." Elliot chuckled as he stood up, "Nevermind..."

The next hour, Olivia spent going over the Ferrars case file, preparing herself for the questions she knew she would be asked in court. Over the course of the hour, Olivia felt her mind slipping away from her. It seemed that the more that she tried not to imagine Alex in her slim framed glasses walking back and forth in front of her on the stand, the more she thought about the beautiful ADA. It wasn't just the the outfits Olivia fantasized about, but rather the way the blonde's graceful hips swayed back and forth, always demanding her attention. And then there were the glasses, and the delicate, perfectly sculpted porcelain features that led to soft pliable pink lips.

Olivia closed her eyes and felt her throat begin to go dry as she suddenly felt Alex's hands on her hips, possessively pulling her closer. She felt the lips pressed lightly on her own. The way Alex's warm hand slid slowly up her side before curling around her neck, pulling her closer. She could feel the tingle in her fingertips as she slipped her hands under the hem of Alex's shirt. She could still feel the heat on her neck as Alex suddenly buried her face into the crook of Olivia's neck, slowly kissing her way down to her collarbone. Olivia's eyes snapped open as she nearly spoke the woman's name aloud. _God, Liv. Pull yourself together for goodness sakes._ She jumped nearly a mile from her seat as the blonde's voice rang through the squad room.

"You guys are going to love me," she smiled, looking rather pleased. "I've got your warrant." Olivia was suddenly aware of Cragen's presence. "Now the real fun can begin."

"Good," Cragen nodded as he took the paper from her hand and gave it a once over, before walking over and giving the paper to Elliot. "I think you two know what to do."

Elliot gave Olivia a wide smile as she stood up and grabbed his coat from his locker.

"Now, I want you to call Munch and have them meet you there," Cragen instructed. "I'd like this to be a team effort. Fin and Munch can ransack the apartment while you two bring him in." Olivia nodded, signaling that his instructions were understood and would be followed. "I'd really like a written confession from him before I go home tonight." Olivia nodded again.

"Will do, Captain," Elliot spoke aloud.

"Okay. So let's go get the son of a bitch," Elliot spoke, "I can't wait to see the look on his face when he finally realizes we actually got enough to put his ass in prison for the rest of his life." Elliot addressed Olivia quickly before heading out the doors. "I'll go get the car and meet you out front."

"Be right there," Olivia replied, "I'm gonna call the boys." She found herself smiling as she picked up the receiver and dialed Munch's cell number. He picked up on the second ring.

"Munch," he answered tersely.

"Hey Munch," Olivia greeted, "It's Olivia. Hey, umm…El and I need a favor. We finally got a warrant for Hector's apartment, and we need you to meet us there."

"Sure thing," Munch replied, "What's the address?"

"317 Westphalia Avenue," She replied. "El and should be there in about twenty minutes."

"Alright," Munch replied, "Got it. Fin and I will see you there."

"Thanks, Munch," Benson replied.

"No Problem," he replied before the line clicked dead. She stood up from her desk then and slipped on her jacket. It was then and only then that she realized that Alex hadn't moved an inch.

"Olivia," Alex's voice was soft and tentative, as Olivia looked up to find Alex less than a foot or two away from her. Olivia felt her heart begin to pick up it's pace in her chest, causing her heartbeat to thunder in her ears. With a quick flourish she picked up the Ferrars file from her desk, and pushed it into Alex's hands.

"Uh…You can have that back," Olivia spoke quickly. "I read it through already, and I should be good to go for the case tomorrow." Alex swallowed and spoke aloud.

"Are you sure you don't need me to..." Alex trailed off as she took in Olivia's expression.

"No thanks," Olivia bit out after a moment. "I uh…I should go. Elliot's waiting on me." Olivia tried to slip around the ADA, this time making sure to leave more space. She wasn't prepared for the hand that clasped around her wrist, causing the skin to burn under Alex's touch. Olivia could do nothing but protest as Alex dragged her, with a surprisingly strong grip, across the floor and into the filing room.

"Alex," Olivia's tone was incredulous. "Just what the hell are you doing?"

"Liv," Alex's voice was pleading. "I just need a second. God, this is killing me. Please. Please don't do this anymore."

"Don't do what, counselor?" Olivia rasped, trying to pull her hand away from Alex's steadfast grip.

"Liv," Alex barely breathed, "You know exactly what I'm talking about. I…I don't know how much longer I can take this. Please. You won't return my calls, you won't talk to me." A pause as she finally let go. Olivia was about to walk away, when she heard the blonde speak again. "Christ, Liv. You can't even look at me..." Olivia froze, closing her eyes for a moment, before she finally gathered the strength to turn around.

"Can you blame me?" Olivia asked, her brown eyes, turning darker as she finally locked eyes with Alex.

"Liv," Alex's voice resigned to pleading again. "Please, let's at least talk about this. I need you to give me a chance to explain." A beat. "Liv, just come get drinks with me tonight." Olivia shook her head, though she was inwardly desperate to accept. She missed Alex terribly. She wanted so much to be able to change Alex's mind. To show her that the risk of her career or her reputation was worth the love that she could give. But Olivia knew how stubborn Alex was, and how slim the chances were of that happening. _I want to hate her for initiating the kiss. For causing all the feelings I spent all those years repressing to come rushing back. You destroyed me Alex. You made me hope, made me love you, and then you took it all back._

"I can't," Olivia shook her head.

"Come on," Alex pleaded softly, "It'll be just like old times." Olivia heard her sigh. "We can still be friends, Liv. Please. I need your friendship now more than ever."

"I can't, Alex," Olivia spoke angrily, this time letting her blood boil. "Please don't make me resent you for asking."

"Liv," Alex spoke her name, and this time her voice shook, "I don't want you to hate me. But I can't lose you. I've already lost too much. Please."

"You seem to be forgetting something, Alex. I invested pretty much everything I had to give into this relationship. You were the one who wouldn't answer my calls for three years, Alex, not me." Olivia bit out. "You were here," she said angrily, her voice full of resentment, "And you didn't care enough to want to see me at all." Olivia bit her lip as she watched the tears start to cascade down Alex's cheeks. "Then you just show up and act like we can just go back to the way it was like before." Olivia let out a ragged breath.

"I told you," Alex whispered, "I told you why, Liv. You know I'm sorry."

"You kissed me!" Olivia finally hissed. "I was fine!" Olivia choked out angrily her jaw tight. "I wasn't happy, but at the very least I was content with what I had in my life. I...I..." Olivia choked on her words as she felt Alex reach up to brush away her own tears. "I can deal with the fact that you ignored me for three years, but I can't pretend like I can accept what you did to me this time. It's unforgivable." She hadn't realized that she had been crying. "Why?" Olivia whispered softly, "Why did you kiss me? Why did you do it?"

"Do you really have to ask that, Liv?" Alex asked. "You know why I kissed you."

"Fuck you," The words fell from Olivia's lips as she pulled away. "You had no right. You had no right to express feelings that you knew you weren't going to follow through with."

"I didn't know what I was doing at the time, Liv. Look, I'm scared," Alex admitted finally. "God, you have to know that I never meant to hurt you." Alex sniffled as she wiped away another tear. "Liv, I never meant for it to happen. I never meant to lose control of myself like that."

"Wow," Olivia said somewhat sarcastically, "So it was never supposed to even happen. Let me tell you, that just makes me feel so much better."

"Liv, Please," Alex breathed. "It just happened."

"Okay," Olivia mumbled. "So you want to pretend that it never did? Because that would be easier right? More convenient for you?"

"No," Alex's voice was strained under her own emotions, "Liv, you know that's not what I want. I don't regret kissing you. I...I can't regret it and I won't. Ever." Alex took a deep rattling breath. "I mean God Liv, that was the best kiss I've ever had in my whole life."

"Then why am I not good enough for you?" Olivia said bitterly.

"Who said anything about you not being good enough?" Alex asked, cutting her off. "I already told you that it's because of what I do. Olivia, people will have my job. This is an issue of ethics. I'm not supposed to engage in a relationship with any of my coworkers, much less one of the detectives from my unit. It's…a conflict of interest. You know that. So Please… I…I already lost out on three years with you. Don't you know how this kills me?"

"No…" Olivia choked out, "But I know how it affects me. I know how it feels to be rejected. To have my heart ripped out in the wake of some pathetic excuse."

"Liv," Alex winced as she truly felt Olivia's pain.

"Look, I love you, Alex." Olivia found herself admitting. "And if…you don't feel the same way, then that's fine. But I can't do this…I can't be your friend." Alex felt her chest grow tight as her heart beat frantically against her ribcage.

"Why not?" Alex tried to choke back the tears she was afraid would fall.

"Because I can't compartmentalize all of my feelings like you can," Olivia spoke finally. "I can't just shrug off the fact that every one of your touches leave my skin tingling, or the fact that my heart races every time you step into the room. I can't let myself get stuck in this sort of gray area we've been in for years. I have to know one way or the other."

Olivia was unprepared for what happened next. Alex hands were reaching out for her, and before she could blink, Alex had her by the collar, her lips finding Olivia's in a searing kiss. Olivia tried to pull away, tried to fight the kiss, but Alex would have nothing of it. Olivia bit down hard on Alex's lip, causing her to moan into Olivia's mouth. As her lips parted, Olivia's tongue slipped inside, languidly stroking Alex's. Alex surrendered to the burning touch of Olivia's hands grasping her sides. She could feel them through the thin silk of her blouse. Before she knew what was happening, Olivia was pulling away, and Alex was protesting, trying to keep the woman from leaving.

"I have to go," the words made Alex desperate; Alex tried to hold onto Olivia in any way possible, but Olivia broke the contact.

"Please," Alex spoke, "Just meet me for drinks tonight." Olivia shook her head.

"No…The kiss doesn't change anything," Olivia said sadly. "The fact is, I can't have you pulling my emotions back and forth like this, Alex. It's giving me whiplash."

"We need to talk this out," Alex whined. "I just need time to figure things out."

"Then take your time," Olivia retorted, "And you let me know when you decide." Olivia started to walk away and paused, a few steps from Alex before she turned around.

"I'm assuming that after we bag Rodriguez, the guys and I are going to go out for celebratory drinks. If you want to join, that's up to you. But that's about the only invitation you're going to get from me." Alex nodded, watching as Olivia quickly walked away from her without looking back.

The walk out to the car was one of the longest of her life. Her lips still tingled from the ferocity and the pressure of Alex's kiss. She'd never been so conflicted. It was like a war was going on inside of her head between what she knew she wanted, and what she knew she had to do. Olivia strode out the front doors of the precinct not caring if she bumped shoulders with others along the way. Elliot looked over his shoulder as Olivia whipped open the door. She slipped into the passenger seat and slammed the door before leaning back in the seat, a sigh falling from her lips as she brought her forearm up to her eyes to block her from the intrusive bright light from outside.

"Hey," Elliot greeted softly from the driver seat as he pulled out into traffic, "Everything all right?"

"Yeah," Olivia answered without letting herself show her emotions. "Why wouldn't it be?"

"Don't know," Elliot shrugged, "It just seems like something is bothering you is all..."

"Just have a headache is all," Olivia spoke, trying to shrug off the concern. "Munch and Fin are going to meet us there," she said, looking out the window. She looked over to see Elliot nodding, as he put on his blinker and merged into the busy New York City traffic. The rest of the drive was practically silent.

Their timing was nearly perfect. Munch and Fin had arrived within the same minute and were getting out of their unmarked cruiser, when Elliot and Olivia pulled up to the curb. Olivia opened the door of their car before Elliot threw it into park and shut the door. Elliot shook his head at her impatience.

"Alright," Fin said as he looked up at the rather large apartment building, "So what's the plan?"

"Well, as history indicates, I have a feeling he won't come that easily," Olivia said with her hands in the pockets of her coat as she took in and studied their surroundings. "You guys should probably take point. I'm pretty sure Hector would see me coming about a mile away. Hell, we'll be lucky if he doesn't already know we're here."

"That's fine by me," Fin nodded, "I would have thought you'd like to do the honors." Olivia shrugged.

"I do. The problem is I want it too much," Olivia said honestly, "I mean, honestly, Fin, the bastard spit in my face."

"Fair enough," Munch said, looking around. "I trust one of you will take the back, and the other should take the alley just in case."

"I don't think it would be a good idea to split up," Elliot said, entering the conversation.

"It'll be fine," Olivia argued, ignoring the nagging voice inside of her head that was telling her it wouldn't. _It may not be a good idea but it's only a secondary precaution anyways. I doubt Fin and Munch will let him so much as take a step away from them._

"Olivia," Elliot grumbled, ready to argue some more.

"Just take the damn alley Elliot," Olivia spoke, leaving no room for argument. "I'm headed out back," Olivia said as she pulled her police issue radio from her hip and turned it to the correct frequency. Elliot mumbled something unintelligible under his breath and followed Olivia. Fin and Munch walked through the front door, flashing their badge at the doorman.

Olivia paced back and forth impatiently outside of the back door, which fed into the alley Elliot occupied. The only thing that was comforting was in knowing that the perp would have to get through both of them to even consider getting away.

_Come on, guys, she thought to herself as multiple minutes drew by. What's taking you guys so long?_ Olivia tapped her foot impatiently, her body jumping mildly as the police radio jumped to life. It was Fin.

"Rodriguez is going for the front door!" _Fuck._

"I'm on it!" she heard Elliot reply. Olivia was sprinting around the building after him. She could see him approach the street and shouted, "El, I'm right behind you!" She pressed the input button on the side of her radio.

"What the hell happened guys?" she asked the words coming out over heavy breaths. Her lungs were starting to burn but she ignored them. Elliot disappeared around the corner just as the reply came."He wasn't in his apartment, he saw us outside and ran back the way he came," Fin replied, also through irregular breaths, she could tell that he was booking it.

Meanwhile, Elliot turned the corner just in time to see Hector shove his way out of the front door. He heard yelling pouring out the door behind him and assumed Fin and Munch were close behind. Elliot didn't let up on his pace but he was still a good 40 meters from the man. Hector picked him out quickly and bolted for a nearby car, which was pulling up to the curb. He whipped a gun out from behind his back, and aimed it at the driver. "Get out of the car!"

"NYPD!" Elliot shouted, "Drop the gun!" But the driver was already out of the car, and Hector threw him to the ground before jumping in and throwing it in drive. Elliot ran towards the car as it pealed out, and fired off a couple of warning shots, trying to get the man to stop. Two bullets pierced the windshield, but did little to slow the man down. Elliot heard the engine rev as Hector pushed the pedal to the floor, and wasn't prepared when Hector, with a jerk of the steering wheel, altered his course for him. For a moment Elliot's heart seemed to stop, but instinct had him jumping out of the way, rolling across the unforgiving concrete.

"Fuck!" Elliot hissed as he rolled back to his feet. He was pretty sure he'd jostled his shoulder, and not in a good way. And though he should have been aware of his surrounding, he was not yet aware of the fact that Olivia was coming around the corner. Munch and Fin were still running in his direction. Olivia had been shouting into her radio as it crackled with interfearance. She tried to get Elliot to respond to her calls, but her partner wasn't answering. She had a fresh dose of adrenaline rushing through her veins. Her arms and legs pumped with the effort of her sprint as she came barreling around the corner.

Olivia whipped around the corner and turned left just in time to meet Elliot's horrified expression. Her eyes were off his before she could make any sense of his expression, and onto the car that she knew was going to hit her in the fraction of a second. She knew that there was nothing she could do at this point, but accept what she knew was about to happen. She had an infinitesimal time to brace herself for what happened next.

"Olivia!"

It was over in the blink of an eye. She tried to time it right, pushing up with her toes and her gastrocnemious muscle just before the car would have otherwise taken her legs out from under her. However, instead of softening the blow, as she intended for it to be, it threw her body full force into the hood of the car. In was over in a second. Her neck snapped backwards and the side of her head cracked hard against the unforgiving metal of the hood. She saw a brief flash of stars overtake her vision, and then only blackness.

Elliot watched as the momentum of the car threw her backwards over the top of the car and back onto the pavement only a few from where she had been standing. Her body hit hardly, the shock causing her body to curl up into itself.

"Olivia!" He was screaming himself hoarse as he reached her and dropped to his knees. She had rolled over so that the back of her head lay on the pavement, while the rest of her body was curled off to the side in ball that eerily resembled the fetal position.

"Oh god," Elliot's voice shook as he brushed her hair aside to see blood seeping from the worst cut imaginable just below her hairline. He could tell just by looking at it that part of her skull had been depressed inwards. "Don't be dead...Please don't be..."

"El," Olivia managed to gag out of the back of her throat. He bent low over her trying to make out the words she was so desperately was trying to say. He knew very well that this could be it. She had this look in her eyes that scared him to death.

He vaguely heard Fin screaming for a bus into his radio. "Officer down. I repeat we have an officer down at 317 Westphalia Avenue. We need a bus! Now!" Elliot felt for her pulse, his head falling close over her chest, listening for breathing sounds.

"She's alive," he spoke aloud for the benefit of the other two detectives.

"Liv?" Elliot's voice broke as he grabbed her hand, "Liv? Stay with me. I'm here. I need you to stay with me." Elliot's attempts to keep her awake became increasingly urgent as her eyes quickly drifted closed and her breathing slowed to the point where she was taking raspy uneven breaths.

"Where the fuck are they?" Elliot shouted in a panic as he tried to hold her. He could tell the sirens in the distance were growing closer, but he wasn't sure if they were going to get there fast enough.

Alex paced back and forth in the squad room as the minutes ticked by. She kept checking her phone and her watch, hoping that one of the detectives might take the courtesy to call her and give her and update. Her thoughts raced around and around in her head as she thought of the kiss she had shared only minutes before with Olivia. _Just tell her you love her, you idiot._ Alex thought to herself. _I mean you've only been pining after her from the moment you laid eyes on her. God, what's wrong with me?_

"You know, the whole damsel in distress facade doesn't suit you very well," Cragen spoke as he walked up behind her. "I'm used to see you so composed all of the time."

"I'm sorry, what?" Alex asked, startled by his appearance.

"Nevermind. Uh… Can I help you with anything, counselor?" Cragen said softly. "You look like something is bothering you. I mean...I've never seen you like this before." Alex shook her head.

"No, I guess I just never realized how all of my actions had affected the squad until now," Alex sighed, "I thought that they had all forgiven me for it, but I guess that I was wrong. I don't think that Liv has forgiven me for the last few years, and I'm not sure she's ever going to be able to," Alex sighed. "I...I thought that I could handle coming back here, but I don't know anymore."

"None of that, Alex," Cragen said finally. "You know that you belong with this unit. And you want to be here, otherwise you would be somewhere else right now."

"I thought she'd understand," Alex said finally, "I mean… Obviously, I screwed up, but things between us have always been so complicated."

"These last few years have been really hard for all of us, Alex," Cragen confessed. "In the case of Olivia, it was no different."

"I know," Alex swallowed, "I've heard the stories…"

"What are you afraid of, Alex?" Cragen finally asked. "Olivia…she cares deeply for you."

"You know about that?" Alex stuttered as she realized she clearly must not have been discreet towards Olivia at all.

"It's hard not to see something that is right in front of you," Cragen said sadly. "After seeing the articles, waiting for days on end for you to return her phonecalls." Cragen shook his head.

"I really thought she would be okay," Alex said finally. "I mean...she was here. She had all of you, and Elliot."

"She may have had all of us, but I've never seen her more alone," Cragen replied calmly. "You know Olivia, she shuts people out. Builds up walls. She's been through some truly horrific things in the last year alone that I know she is sure the guys couldn't possibly relate to. She needed a good friend, Alex, and you weren't there." Alex swallowed hard over the lump in her throat, wondering exactly how she let herself get away with assuming that Olivia would be all right during all that time. "Not that it's any of my business, but do you love her, Alex?"

"Yes," the word slipped out of her lips before she could hold it back. "Of course I do!"

"Then… What exactly is it that is stopping you?" Cragen asked softly. "The lord knows that you two have put up with enough over the last 10 years. You deserve to be happy. Both of you."

"I can't be your ADA and carry out a relationship with one of your detectives," Alex said softly. "But I'm assuming you know that already."

"I do," he nodded. "So I guess you just need to decide what is worth fighting for." Alex nodded. The phone in Cragen's office began ringing.

"I should get that," he smiled, "You should head home, counselor. It's getting late."

"I wanted to stick around until they get back," Alex spoke. Cragen nodded again then departed into his office. She laughed to herself as she realized how hopelessly in love with Olivia she was. She looked up from the floor as Cragen hurried back into the squad room.

"That was Elliot," Cragen said slowly, carefully.

"What's up?" Alex asked, noting the grave expression.

"Something went wrong," he breathed his hand over his jawline. "Rodriguez got away."

"Damn it!" Alex's jaw clenched angrily before she let out a sigh. "It's..it's okay," Alex muttered, "We can still get him." Cragen shook his head.

"Alex," his voice was apologetic, "Olivia was in pursuit. She..."

"What happened?" Alex's voice cut him off before he even had a chance to finish. Her voice shook as she spoke again, "Cragen, what's wrong? What happened to Olivia?"

"Elliot says she got in the way of the getaway car," Cragen swallowed, "It...It doesn't look good." A beat. "I need to meet them at the hospital."

"I'm coming," Alex breathed, her hands shaking. Cragen nodded, and together they rushed out to the car.

_(To be continued...)_

_**Read and Review? Pretty please?**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Chapter 2**

A/N: Sorry it took so long for me to update, but I lost all of my documents when my hard drive crashed, and even the data recovery specialists were not able to recover my stuff. Along with the twelve-page term paper that I had to rewrite, I also had to try and recall what I had written from memory. Of course, I was unhappy with the result of my work the second time so it took me a while to finally post this. Hopefully, you guys enjoy this update. I'm currently working on the next chapter and it should hopefully be up soon. This chapter starts with Alex and Olivia's infamous first kiss, and then jumps forward to the present.

**Title: Gifts and Curses**

**Fandom:**L&O: SVU

**Pairing:** Alex/Olivia

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the SVU universe. Any writing is done purely for recreational purposes. No ill harm is intended.

_"What?" Olivia turned to Alex who was laughing at her, the blonde's deep blue cerulean eyes shining in the dim light of Olivia's kitchen. "What is it?" Olivia asked again, her expression full of her own amusement, "Did I say something funny, councilor?" Olivia tried again. Alex took hiccupped before finally managing to stop the laugh deep in her abdomen._

_"No," Alex smiled mischievously, "It's just that you umm…." Alex swallowed over the dryness in her throat as her mind wandered dangerously to something she knew she should avoid at all cost. "You have some chocolate on your chin." Olivia felt the heat begin to creep slowly up her neck and shoulders into her face, causing her to appear flushed. Olivia subconsciously licked her lips, and when that didn't work, she wiped the chocolate in question away with her finger. Olivia's lips parted slightly as she stuck the finger in her mouth to lick away the chocolate. Unbeknownst to Olivia, her own enjoyment of the chocolate brownie batter, made itself known in a quiet moan of satisfaction, which caused a sudden and pronounced heat to take over Alex's midsection. The sheer slowness and thoroughness of Olivia's ministrations was richly erotic._

_Olivia feeling the intensity and the heat of Alex's gaze began to feel slightly uncomfortable, and so she turned back around, attempting to guard herself from the woman she wanted so desperately. She had to keep reminding herself that their plans tonight were completely innocent. The plans involved some baking, drinking, and perhaps some movie watching, but that was it. Olivia focused her attention elsewhere, trying to ignore the blonde's presence. Olivia resumed stirring the brownie mix._

_Music played softly in the background, wafting softly into the kitchen, just loud enough to be heard over their breathing. Olivia hummed along to the song softly. It was one of her favorites. Alex could only stare at Olivia's back for a long moment, wanting more than anything to touch the older woman, who so perfectly stood before her. Once upon a time they would have been able to stand in close proximity, perhaps even touch, without noticing any discomfort or tension between them whatsoever. But those days were long gone. Now, Alex could scarcely breath when Olivia was in the same room with her. When Olivia brushed her arm, or stood too close to her, Alex's body began to thrum and tingle in eager anticipation. She would close her eyes and savor the proximity of the woman when they stood near one another._

_It was hard to fathom. Alex felt as if she couldn't possibly have wanted Olivia any more. And yet somehow, the word didn't even begin to convey the depth of feelings that Alex felt for the brunette. Somehow, they had fallen into some sort of gray area, where they realized they both had feelings, but at the same time refused to ever admit to them or address them. Alex suspected they could spend an eternity denying the truth unless fate otherwise prompted them to do so._

_Alex took a deep breath and slowly pushed herself up onto the counter next to Olivia, much like she did when she sat on Olivia's desk in the squad room. Alex perched herself next to the bowl and looked down. She tried to keep her heart from thundering wildly as she realized for the first time she had the advantage. She could see the older woman's cleavage beneath the tight fabric of Olivia's shirt. Alex gulped, fighting the flush overtaking her cheeks. In an effort to distract herself Alex dipped a finger into the bowl without the least bit of hesitation, and pulled it out with a healthy helping of the same batter Olivia had taken a taste of earlier. She squeezed her eyes shut and slipped it into her mouth. Alex kept her eyes close and savored the taste, slowly withdrawing her finger from her mouth. When her eyes opened, she found herself the object of Olivia's undivided attention. There was only one thing she could imagine tasted better. To accentuate this further she said aloud._

_"My god. That was orgasmic," Alex, moaned, "I haven't had anything that good in a long time." Olivia watched the blonde closely, her eyebrows hiking up her forehead._

_"That good, huh?" Olivia teased as she watched Alex drop down from the counter, "Or has it just been a while since you've had…" Olivia took a deep gulp of air as her palms began to sweat and her heart beat erratically. "Chocolate brownies."_

_"Wouldn't you like to know?" Alex husked, as her body leant over, brushing ever so slightly against Olivia's as she did so. For a moment, Olivia wondered how she was going to resist shoving Alex against the counter and taking her right there in the middle of her kitchen. But luckily, Olivia was good at repressing such impulses. She had had a lot of practice over the course of the last ten years._

_"Actually, I would," Olivia replied tensely, "But that's none of my business."_

_"You should really be more careful," Olivia joked, trying to alleviate some of the tension, "You know the implications of being caught red handed, counselor. There's usually punishment to follow."_

_"In that case," Alex whispered, taking a step back, "You were the first to commit the crime, and your punishment will set the precedent for future offenders."_

"_Sounds like that's not so good for me," Olivia replied honestly._

_"So," Alex smiled, placing her hand on Olivia's shoulder, the older woman was easily manipulated as Alex spun her around. "Would you like a lawyer, detective?" Alex's eyes twinkled as her penetrating gaze had the desired effect on Olivia. Alex, with some sense of pride realized that she held some sort of power over the gorgeous brunette. What she wasn't prepared for, however, was for Olivia to bite back._

_"I don't know," Olivia replied with a shrug. Alex tried to ignore the smug grin that spread over Olivia's face as she took a defiant step towards the blonde. Olivia's eyes darkened as she stared into Alex's eyes, "Do you think I'm going to need one, Alex?" Alex's breath hitched in her throat as Olivia stuffed her hands into the front pockets of her jeans as she awaited Alex's reply. Alex shook her head slightly, in a vain attempt to clear it of all of the rather sensual and passionate thoughts she was having about the woman only a couple of feet from her._

_"Perhaps," Alex's eyes glinted mischievously, "You know, gluttony is a pretty serious crime. You could be looking at some serious punishment." Olivia felt the lust coming off of the blonde's body as Alex's eyes flickered to parts of Olivia's own body that were begging to be touched. "You'd have to be on probation which requires a certain amount of supervision. And then…there's the civil service requirement."_

"_Just how much supervision are we talking about here?" Olivia asked as her tongue darted out to moisten her lips. "Because I like certain parts of my life to remain private…."Alex opened her mouth to speak, but found herself speechless as she realized the implications of that reply. Alex swore as she struggled to grapple with the extent of emotions she found herself buried under._

_Olivia took a deep breath, before she brushed slowly past the tall, blonde, beautiful, ADA, and closed her eyes as their hands brushed._

_"And do tell me, Alex, is gluttony anything like lust?" Olivia whispered quietly, "Because if I'm correct in my assumption, you've been lusting after me all night." It took all of Olivia's own will to keep walking over the small distance to the cupboard to grab a pan. What Olivia didn't notice, however, was Alex's reaction to the contact._

_Alex felt the jolt of electricity travel up her arm as Olivia's soft fingers brushed hers. It was over in a second, but the sensation of their touch lingered much longer. When Alex was finally able to regain coherent thought, she slowly walked up behind Olivia, who was bent over, looking amongst the assortment of old cookware she had in the kitchen. When Olivia finally found was she was looking for, she straightened up, only for the pan to fall from her fingers to the floor with a loud clatter. Alex's fingertips brushed against the newly freed hand, her fingers twining with Olivia's as she gently pulled._

_Olivia turned around slowly, Alex stepped closer whispering in Olivia's ear, "Dance with me." Olivia's heart began to pound as Alex's breath traveled down the column of her neck. Olivia closed her eyes and relished the close proximity._

_I know you've got something burning up inside,  
It's so unhealthy but so good for me.  
If I said I didn't know, and if I didn't know, well if I didn't know that you loved me would you tell me?  
Well God only knows our contradiction's to quitting, is a hate to love relationship thing._

_"Am I sensing an underlying theme to this song, Liv?" Alex asked softly a minute later when the chorus came on. Olivia winced as the words played, knowing that something so blatantly forward could not be withdrawn even if the song had come on only by chance. It was killing her though, not knowing if she had completely fabricated the whole thing. Did Alex feel anything for her at all?_

_To her best knowledge, Alex was involved with some hotshot from the bureau's office she had been working at before her return to SVU. With a sigh, Olivia closed her eyes and began singing softly. She needed a way to cope with the nervousness that arose due to the extent of her feelings for the blonde. She knew this song well. To Alex, Olivia's singing was a turn on. _

_By this point, they had had a healthy amount of Bailey's Irish Cream before they had commenced with the brownie making, and so both had a pretty good buzz going at this point. However, Alex knew that what she was feeling for Olivia had absolutely nothing to do with any of the alcohol in her system._

_Olivia's deep sultry voice sang the words perfectly, making Alex feel as if Olivia were speaking to her personally. Some romantics put a lot of stock into singing, claiming that it's the perfect way to show affection. Alex was surprised to find that she felt no differently. Her urge to kiss Olivia was getting stronger and stronger by the second. She felt like she might die if she didn't act on it soon._

_Ugggh you, you're so bold,  
My wanting to kiss you still is not enough.  
I'm getting over, all the comments._

_I'm feeling statements made by people are nonsense.  
I'm getting stronger, by the minute.  
And once I slip into position I'll swing you and turn you all around._

_Alex listened carefully to the words, analyzing each one as it passed through Olivia's barely parted lips in a whisper. The words themselves seemed to speak for themselves. And the sentiment, seemed to place the song on a whole other level in Alex's mind. The lyrics were that of a suggestive love song. And she wanted them to be true._

_You are the sweetest thing I've found since whenever,  
You're the only way my time is measured.  
You might be the silent type,  
But your advertising louder now.  
It's crazy how you're killing me._

_Before Olivia knew what was happening, she felt heat building between her and Alex, and a shiver worked its way up her spine. For a moment, Olivia thought she was imagining it. Her logic tried to tell her how close Alex would have to be standing to her, for Olivia to feel the heat mingling between their bodies. With a gasp, Olivia felt hands wrap around her hips tightly, possessively, pulling her closer. She found it hard to breath when she felt her hips pressed against what she could only assume was Alex. Slowly, ever so slowly, Olivia felt Alex's warm hands slide slowly up her body. Without warning, Olivia opened her eyes. The breath left her lungs as her eyes confirmed what her body had already discerned. Alex was inches from her now._

_"Alex," Olivia tried to hide the breathlessness in her own voice, "Wha- What are you doing?"_

_"Isn't this what you wanted, Liv?" Alex asked huskily, her right hand slipping behind Olivia's neck, pulling Olivia even closer to her, as if that were possible. Olivia's body responded to the contact as Alex's thigh slipped between hers to press against her. Olivia let out a moan. Alarm bells started going off in Olivia's head, but she couldn't bring herself to do anything. Initially, Alex's lips brushed against Olivia's lightly as if it were a breath of air, but then hungrily. Olivia let out a moan, the music and their surroundings lost on them now._

_"Alex," Olvia whispered as Alex backed them up against the fridge. Alex kissed her harder, and more urgently. She was desperate to touch and be touched. Olivia slid her hands down and grabbed Alex's hips, manipulating the blonde so that Alex's thigh, which was still between Olivia's pressed harder. Alex gasped as Olivia's hands slipped under the hem of her shirt, to burn patterns into the soft skin of her hips. Olivia let out another moan as Alex relocated her attention to the crook of Olivia's neck, biting and sucking at the muscular column of Olivia's neck. "Alex," Olivia breathed, her voice pleading, "Alex, Please." Alex let out a noise, a growl that made her intentions clear. She didn't plan on stopping anytime soon. She wasn't sure how, but Olivia tried to push the sensations away one by one until they merely droned in the background. Slowly, she became capable of coherent thought._

_"Alex," Olivia said, sliding her hands up Alex's middle, and pushing ever so softly, to put space in-between them. Alex reluctantly allowed the space. It seemed like ages before Olivia was able to hold Alex's steely blue gaze. Olivia's chest heaved up and down, not sure what to say or do. A line had definitely been crossed. And she wasn't sure how damaging it would be._

_"This was a bad idea," Olivia said aloud, not noticing or caring about the pain evident on Alex's features. _

"_Liv," Alex's voice sounded sad as she peered into the depths of Olivia's eyes, wondering if she'd made an awful mistake. If she had been mistaken and the feelings were in fact one-sided then there truly was no going back from this moment. Their friendship would be different forever. Alex watched as a look of panic flashed across Olivia's perfect feature and the brunette practically whirled on her feet and walked back over to the bowl, trying to busy herself and pretend that nothing out of the ordinary had just happened. "The batter should be good to go," Olivia commented lamely, "We just need to get it into the pan and slip it into the oven."_

_"Liv," Alex walked over brusquely and grabbed Olivia's wrist. "Just…wait a minute. Is this really how you want to handle this situation? By pretending as if it didn't happen?"_

_"I don't know, Alex. How do you think that I should handle what just happened?" Olivia asked, her tone sounding bitter and cold. "Because I honestly have no clue what to do anymore. I mean…this is crazy! I… I've hardly seen you lately. This is the first time we've done anything in the last month. T- The last time we were together made me hope, only to have reality come crashing down when you went back to ignoring my calls and pretending that I didn't exist again." Olivia let out a deep breath, pulling her hand out of Alex's grasp. Olivia could see the hurt in Alex's eyes at the rejection. "And of course, now I've gone and made a fool of myself."_

_"Who says that?" Alex asked, her expression challenging. "I mean…I'm the one who came on to you in your kitchen for god's sakes."_

_"This…this is such a mess," Olivia suggested, "Why don't we just forget it happened, okay?" Olivia swallowed, "We'll just call it a moment of weakness."_

_"Liv," Alex breathed heavily, her voice broken, "Are you honestly okay with that?"_

_"Does it really matter? I mean… It's not like I have a choice here, Alex," Olivia replied cynically. "You're the one who is involved with someone else. Not me."_

_"What the heck is that supposed to mean?" Alex snapped back._

_"Exactly what it sounds like," Olivia's eyes flashed. "You're with someone else. And this? This was a mistake." Olivia let out a ragged breath, her hands clenching into fists as she tried to keep her emotions under control. She was angry with herself for putting herself in this situation. "I- I thought that I could pretend…that maybe I could go back to the time we were just friends, and be fine with that. But I can't. I can't do this, Alex."_

_"I-I should go," Alex said quietly, dropping Olivia's wrist. She walked quickly over to her coat. Olivia followed her to the door. "I'm sorry, Liv." Alex started to open the door, only to jump when Olivia threw her hand out to shut it forcefully._

_"Wait," Olivia's voice was pleading. "Please."_

_"Liv, I know that you don't want me to stay," Alex said emphatically. "So…let me go."_

_"Not yet," Olivia said softly, "Please. Not until I know that this was all truly a mistake." Olivia brushed Alex's cheek softly with her hand. "Do you feel anything for me, Alex? Anything at all?" Olivia watched as Alex swallowed, seemingly choosing her words carefully. Alex grabbed her hand softly lowered it back to Olivia's side before letting go._

_"You know that I'll always care deeply for you, Liv," Alex spoke slowly, "But I can't give you what you want." The next inflection in Alex's voice had Olivia's heart ripping in two. "Because anything more than friendship? It isn't possible. I'm happy with Robert, Liv. And I…I'm happy." Olivia winced at the pain of that confession. "What happened tonight was a mistake. It shouldn't have happened. And I'm sorry because I lacked the control to stop it before it got out of hand." Olivia stepped away from the door. Alex blinked rapidly as she opened the door, feeling Olivia's eyes on her. The pain of it was too much. As the door closed behind her, and the lock engaged, it was then that Alex let the tears fall._

Alex was jarred back to the present by a squeeze of Cragen's hand. She shook her head quickly and she blinked a few times, silently wondering how much time had passed. Next her eyes darted to the clock, a breath escaped her lips as she realized the amount of time that had actually passed. It was nearly six hours. As far as Alex was concerned, she wasn't aware that any time had gone by. But she couldn't deny the truth of it. She felt numb. She was trying desperately not to feel the pain that seemed to be ripping her apart bit by bit. Her neck turned and she saw the surgeon walking towards them, looking grim. As those around her stood up, she realized for the first time that he was looking for them. Alex stood up quickly, walking towards the man. Cragen was at her heels, but Elliot beat her to the man.

"I'm Dr. Tennant. I'm…umm… looking for the family of Olivia Benson," he said quietly. Cragen took a step forwards.

"I'm her godfather and her power of attorney," Cragen spoke. The doctor nodded.

"H-How is she?" Elliot's exhausted voice asked urgently. Alex knew the news couldn't possibly be good, when the man's eyes flickered to the floor before he finally met Elliot's eyes.

"She's doing about as well as can be expected," he replied before elaborating, "It's been pretty touch and go up until this point. It's uhh...it's hard to say if she'll make it through the night." Alex felt the panic begin to sink in. Her stomach felt like it was stuck in her throat and she felt like she might be sick. This…This was even worse than she had imagined it to be. Unlike Elliot, she had been unable to see Olivia, and knew nothing of what the brunette's injuries actually were.

"Our biggest concern at the moment is the sheer severity of her head injury. During the accident, Olivia hit her head hard enough to cause serious damage. She broke the Zygomatic and Temporal bones on the right side of her face and sustained a depressed hairline skull fracture that spans much the temporal and frontal bone. As with all serious head trauma, this has resulted in severe swelling of the brain." Alex brought her hand up to her mouth and bit down, trying to stifle her own anguish. The doctor continued carefully, seemingly gauging all of their reactions to the news.

"In order to alleviate some of the pressure inside her skull, and to minimize the bleeding, we had to drill several holes through her skull," Cragen and Elliot winced, imagining what that involved. Alex tried to avoid those thoughts all together. "We also had to remove her spleen due to extensive internal bleeding. Our final concern is the internal bleeding in Olivia's abdomen resulting from a shattered pelvis. Even though we've done the best we can to stem the bleeding for now, we will have to keep an eye on it, and may have to open her up again if the bleeding worsens. The only good news that I have for you is that her spine managed to escape without substantial injury although she has several fractured vertebrae, L4, L5, and L6."

"Is…Is she going to wake up?" Alex asked meekly, "I mean how bad are we talking here?"

"At this point, I'm afraid that it's too early to tell," the doctor sighed, squeezing the scrub cab in his hand tightly, "Until the swelling goes down, and we can accurately monitor her brain activity, we won't know what kind of outlook we're looking at. We can hope for the best though."

"How long?" Cragen asked aloud, his heart breaking in his chest, "How long until we know?"

"Well," he swallowed, "I'd say within 48 hours. If the swelling starts going down, then that will be a good sign. We can expect that things will improve from there. However, even then, it may be days…even weeks until she wakes up."

"Weeks?" Fin replied, with a tight jaw. His expression was full of indignation.

"If she wakes up at all," the doctor added boldly. He took another deep breath, "Look, I don't know how to explain it very well, but brain injuries are extremely complex. The brain is in every sense of the word the 'operational center' of your body. The brainstem itself is in charge of regulating autonomic functions that are vital to life such as your breathing, and heart rate. The cortex of the brain controls motor functions, speech, stores sensory information. With an extensive brain injury, or damaged cranial nerves, these cannot vital functions simply cannot be regulated properly and the body shuts down." Alex felt her eyes begin to burn as the man revealed more and more. What was she going to do if Olivia never woke up? What was she going to do if she never got the chance to tell Olivia how she felt?

"We have her on life support for now, and we're keeping her in a coma for stability purposes," he spoke looking at Cragen. "She will have to remain comatose until her brain waves indicate she can handle breathing and other autonomic functions on her own. At this point, she has been labeled in critical condition and will remain in the ICU until she shows significant improvement." He let out a pause, "She should be out of recovery in about an hour. Then you can see her if you'd like."

"Yes," he nodded, "I'd like to see her." Cragen looked to Elliot, and then Alex. "I believe that her partner, Elliot Stabler, is listed as her next of kin. Will he be able to see her as well?"

"Yes," the doctor nodded, "Unfortunately you'll only be able to take turns seeing her. Only one can be allowed in to see her at a time." Elliot nodded.

"What about me?" Alex asked aloud, earning a strange look from Elliot.

"Liv had you listed as en emergency contact," Cragen said softly, "I think that should suffice, don't you?" The doctor nodded. Alex watched as he glanced at his watch.

"Well," the doctor tried to smile but couldn't really given the circumstance of the situation, "I'm sorry but I really have to go. I'm late for my next surgery." He looked at Cragen. "When she's umm…moved to her room, I'll send a resident out to take you up to the ICU. It was nice meeting you. I only wish that it was under better circumstances."

"Thank you, Dr. Tennant," Cragen held out his hand and shook the man's hand.

"I only wish I could have done more," he smiled, more sincerely, "Please take care and god bless you all." Alex watched numbly as the man rushed away a moment later. She didn't realize that she was shaking until someone grabbed her arm. She looked up into Elliot's sympathetic eyes.

"Alex," he frowned, "You're shaking. Are you okay?"

"No," Alex answered honestly for the first time in a long time, "No. I'm not." Elliot shook his head sadly, his eyes sad as well.

"Come on," he said softly, earning an encouraging nod from Cragen, "Let's go sit down. We should be able to see her soon." Alex let Elliot lead her away, numbly, to a chair in the waiting room. Words couldn't describe how broken she was, as she collapsed into the seat. Her body shook violently under her suppressed sobs. Elliot tentatively wrapped his arms around her as she sobbed. He was almost afraid to touch her for fear that he might break her further, but he didn't know what else to do, and his instinct kicked in.

"Alex," Elliot whispered softly, "Sweetie, I know that it sounds bad. And god, I'm scared too, but Liv, she's a fighter. You know she is."

"It's too much," Alex sniffled, wiping at her eyes. "If I lose her now. I don't think I'll make it." She let out another wrenching sob. "She was the only thing that got me through the last few years, El. The _only_ thing." Elliot had to admit that this admission shocked him a little bit. He hadn't realized that they were that close. "And she doesn't know. God, she doesn't know because I was too much of a coward to tell her."

"Alex," he sighed, "tell her what?"

"That I love her, Elliot," Alex breathed brokenly.

"Oh." Elliot swallowed. That one revelation was a hard one for him to accept. "So that's why…" Elliot let his voice trail off. He didn't know whether to be angry at the blonde for hurting Olivia, or whether he should forgive her and encourage her to fix their mess of a relationship.

"What?" Alex asked indignantly.

"What happened between you?" Elliot asked finally. "When you came back for the Connors trial. What happened?"

"We talked," Alex replied honestly. "I told her about my life as Emily, and how much I missed her and the city. And then she held me. I-I asked her to and she did it with no questions asked." Alex wiped at her face. "Somehow, in the last few minutes before we left for the trial the next morning it came out that we cared for each other as more than friends. I thought that I would be able to deal with it somehow. And in some ways, knowing how Olivia felt about me got me through the hell that followed."

"Why didn't you answer her calls, why didn't you come see us when you got back?" Elliot asked his voice a little hoarse, "She waited for you, Alex. I didn't realize it then, but she did. She kept insisting that you would call and you never did. She gave up on you eventually, and convinced herself that you weren't coming back. And then one day, when she was finally getting over your betrayal, you just showed up on our crime scene expecting everything to be the same." Elliot's voice was angry when he spoke his next words. "I never realized why she was so bitter, so cynical when it came to you coming back. And now? Now I do. You broke her, Alex."

"I didn't mean to," Alex breathed, holding Elliot's gaze. "God, Elliot. Please forgive me. You- You have no idea what it was like for me. I was so afraid that she had moved on. And somehow over the course of the years I was away I convinced myself that she did, that she must have moved on. I kept thinking that I had been gone for so long, and that there was no way that we would ever be able to just pick up where we left off. I couldn't face the possibility that she was with someone else, perhaps even living a life that I had always dreamed of with her." Alex's voice broke. "When I first came back to New York, I heard through the grapevine that Olivia wasn't with the 1-6 anymore, and that she was on assignment with the FBI somewhere. I can't even describe what that felt like. I tried to put up walls to make it hurt less, and in some ways I succeeded. I convinced myself that it was a sign. That what I wanted with Olivia just wasn't meant to be. I thought that we would both be better off if we could just let go. When I heard that she was back, I meant to go see her. I meant to come visit you guys, but I always chickened out at the last moment. I followed you guys closely though. I did. I read about all of your cases in the paper, even had some of my attorney's do some poking around for me."

"So you distanced yourself because you were afraid you'd get hurt," Elliot repeated simply, his eyes flashing. "Did it ever occur to you that she loved you enough to wait? That she wasn't willing to settle for something else…anyone else but you? Do you realize that by handling things the way that you did, that you caused her more pain then you could have ever imagined?"

"No," Alex replied. "Look, I don't expect you to understand, Elliot. I just figured I owed you some sort of explanation." Alex reached over and held his hand, giving it a squeeze. "I-I'm so sorry. I don't think I'll ever be able to apologize enough."

"I'm not the one you should be saying that to." Elliot said seriously.

"I know," Alex sniffled, "I know that." Alex wiped at her face for the tenth time, wiping away her own tears. "Elliot," Alex said finally after calming herself down, "I feel so lost and confused. How did everything go so terribly wrong? What happened?"

"It was my fault," Elliot spoke in a deep roughened voice, as he too wiped at his own face, and the top of his head. "I should have known that she was coming around the corner." Elliot let out a rasping breath as he fought his own tears. "I…I knew something was wrong from the minute we got there. I mean... I had this bad feeling that just wouldn't go away." Elliot let out a low groan, "I know it sounds crazy, but it's the truth." Elliot swallowed, looking at Alex. "The whole way there Liv was distracted. I tried talking to her about it, but she just shrugged it off as a headache. When we got there, we decided to split up. Fin and Munch took point and Olivia and I decided to pose as backup. I think Olivia was worried that she would be too easily recognized," He shook his head again. "I knew it wasn't a good idea, but I went along with it anyways. We were waiting in back. I was in the alley and Olivia was positioned in the back, behind me a ways. Everything seemed to be going fine. Then all of a sudden, all hell broke loose. Fin called over the radio to tell us that Rodriguez was bolting for the front door. Obviously we were all incorrectly positioned for such a scenario." Alex nodded, encouraging him to continue. "It was no one's fault really, just bad luck. Apparently when Fin and Munch were waiting outside Hector's door, he walked up with a bag of groceries. The items obstructed his identity. Obviously, he realized that they were there for him, and so naturally he bolted back out the way he came." Alex swallowed, squeezing her eyes shut as she tried to keep herself from crying. "After finally getting word from Fin that they needed back up, Liv and I took off. I was a lot closer to the street and so I made it around the corner a long time before she did. When I rounded the corner, I saw Hector trying to escape and I ran after him. He held a man at gunpoint, and jacked a car on the curb. I tried firing off some rounds in hopes in might deter him." Elliot's eyes looked haunted as he spoke the next part. He uttered it as if he never wished to relieve the moment, but continued anyways. "But the only thing I succeeded in doing, was that I pissed him off. He came after me, then, and tried to run me down with the car." Elliot looked at Alex, and she stared at him intensely. "I managed to roll out of the way. But Liv." Elliot's voice choked on Olivia's name, "Liv came barreling around that corner trying to help." A pause. "She didn't see it coming, Alex. I swear…she had no idea what was happening. I saw her try to brace herself, but she...she didn't stand a chance." Elliot's voice broke then. Alex had never seen a grown man cry, but Elliot was bordering on the edge.

"Elliot," Alex squeezed his hand, "Look, I know what you must be feeling, but you have to know… What happened, it wasn't your fault."

"Don't try to tell me that," Elliot said rather harshly, "Alex, she's my partner for god's sake. I'm supposed to protect her." Angry tears streamed down his face. "I'm the one who pissed him off, who caused him to alter his course. If I had just backed off and let him go then Olivia…she wouldn't be in there on life support." Alex felt Elliot's pain immensely, and she held his hand tightly, not daring to let go. "I love her," the admission shocked Alex, because in its context she wasn't sure how he meant it. She knew that Olivia and Elliot were close, and Olivia had always described their relationship as brother and sister. But Alex realized now, with a fair amount of bitterness that that was a long time ago. Had something changed over the course of their absence? Was Elliot yet another obstacle to her happiness with Olivia?

Alex swallowed, unsure of how to respond to that comment. Finally she settled for a pained smile and a, "I'm not surprised. Olivia makes it impossible not to love her." Then she added, "I mean…I would know. I've been fighting my love for her for years." A thought popped into Alex's head that had her letting out a sigh. She withdrew her hand from Elliot's as she dropped her head into her newly freed hand. "God, I don't deserve her."

"Hey. That's not true," Elliot replied honestly, turning towards her, "Look, Alex, you may have made your fair share of mistakes…"

"Not helping, El," Alex breathed as she looked up at him.

"Wait," his soft blue eyes were sympathetic, "You didn't let me finish." Alex blinked. "What I was trying to say was that you've made a lot of mistakes, but so have I. What matters is that despite our shortcomings, Olivia loves us. She loves you, Alex, whether you believe it or not." Elliot breathed, "And I know that you think that she doesn't know that you love her, but I'm sure she does." Elliot smiled. "That's the amazing thing about Olivia is that although she may not be good at expressing her own feelings, she's better at reading someone's emotions than anyone I know. That is what makes her so good at what she does. She always knows."

"True," Alex sighed, running a hand over her face, "She always knew when I was getting too involved in a case we were working or, when I wanted to win a case too badly to see what it is I needed to see."

Elliot smiled, "Yeah. Let me just say that I have never been able to slip a fight with Kathy under her radar." He took a deep breath, "At first, I didn't like it, but if I can be honest, that's really the only thing that has gotten me through the last ten years… It was knowing that Olivia would be there to help me out if I ever needed it."

"So then why did Olivia leave?" Alex asked finally, "Why did she go away with the feds?"

"Oh, Alex. Please don't make me relive that too," Elliot, whispered, his expression suddenly pale. "Look, it was bad. Probably one of the worst cases we've ever had to endure…besides yours."

"It's okay," she sighed, looking sad, "If you don't want to, you don't have to tell me, Elliot."

"No," Elliot shook his head, "It's okay. The truth is that I uh…doubt that Olivia would ever tell you, but I think that you should hear about it from one of us at the very least." Alex winced, wondering if she were strong enough to deal with the truth. "Umm…I'm not even sure where to start. Well, the case started simply enough. We knew from the get go that it was going to be rough. We were chasing after a man who abducted two kids a boy and a girl, and who we believed to have murdered many more. It was apparent that he was a serial killer. He felt no remorse for his victims. Undoubtedly, he was a true monster. It just so happened that Liv and I… well, we got lucky and thought that we had him cornered him at the train station. That was until all heck broke loose. One of the ticket salesmen that was willing to help us, freaked at the last moment. The man picked us out of the crowd immediately and started running with the kids. Liv went one way and I went another. She got close…too close." Elliot swallowed as his throat grew dry as dry can be. "He pulled a knife. Olivia pulled her gun but she wasn't fast enough. She had her eyes set on the boy and was determined to get him. It was nearly her downfall." Elliot looked suddenly pale in addition to the look of anguish on his face. "I thought I was going to lose her then, Alex," Alex bit her lip, as she struggled not to speak. "He slit her throat, Alex. Right in front of me. It happened so fast. All it took was a flick of his wrist and she went down. If the knife had gone just an eighth of an inch deeper, she would have bled out on the floor of the train station. There would have been nothing I could do."

"Oh no," Alex whispered, "How…how did I not know about that?"

"I don't know," Elliot swallowed, "It was kept quiet for the most part."

"But she was okay?" Alex asked, her voice thick with anguish and concern.

"Yeah," Elliot nodded, "She has a scar there now…to go along with her many others, but she was fine." Elliot's hands curled into fists. "But the boy that was with him…he wasn't so lucky. The man killed him. And to this day I know that Olivia still blames herself for it." Elliot looked to Alex for sympathy.

"You didn't get him?" Alex looked visibly concerned.

"Alex, you have to understand. I thought my partner was going to die, and I couldn't just leave her to die by herself. There was just so much blood. I didn't know what to do." His eyes were red as he struggled to hold it together, "She told me to go after him…but I hesitated. I love her, Alex. I…I couldn't just leave her there until she ordered me to do so. Even then…it just killed me to do so. Please tell me that you understand."

"Of course I do," Alex reassured him. "Elliot, you blame yourself for his death too, don't you?"

"Yes," Elliot admitted. "At first, I was just so angry." Elliot let out a cynical laugh. "I was just so angry with Olivia for making me care about her so much. I…I lost perspective, Alex. And because of that a little boy died." Elliot squeezed his eyes shut. "I yelled at her, Alex. I threw it in her face. I _told_ her that it was her fault."

"So…Anyhow," Elliot cleared his throat, deciding to continue, "We got a second shot at the guy, in a warehouse where we hoped he had the girl." He paused, "Olivia and I split up. This time it was myself who was on the brink. I can still remember the cold of the barrel pressing into my temple…the look in Olivia's eyes as she stood there. She knew what the man was capable of…that he would kill me with no remorse. And so she didn't take the shot. She was too afraid that she would hit me, or that he'd get a round off before the bullet killed him. So she just stood there…looking more lost than I've ever seen before." Elliot let out a deep sigh. "Luckily, the swats managed to get off a clean shot. We found the girl alive." Elliot looked at Alex, his expression honest, "But after that case, we both knew that we were too close. We didn't need more than two close calls to figure that one out. And so Olivia did what I couldn't and asked for a transfer." Elliot looked as if he was in pain. "She worked in computer crimes for a while, then she worked an eco-terrorism case. After that she just vanished. The feds wanted her for a case, and she was eager to get as far away from everything as possible. I didn't see her for a long time after that."

"So you two never got a chance," Alex sighed.

"What?"

"You and Liv," Alex spoke slowly, "You said you loved her." Elliot let out a cough as he choked on his own air.

"Wait a minute," Elliot spoke, "You think that she and I…" Elliot put up his hands. "No. Alex, even if my feelings for her are stronger than they should be, she's never had eyes for me in that way. The only person she's ever felt that way for is you."

"So you're not denying that you do care for her in that way," Alex prodded, her eyes flashing.

Elliot opened his mouth to answer, but two men in dark suits harshly interrupted them.

"Detective Stabler?" one of the two men spoke, flashing his gold badge, "Sorry to intrude. But I'm Rodgers and this is Dodson, we're with the IAB, and we need to ask you about the events that transpired last night."

"Can't it wait?" Alex bit out rather coldly. Elliot could merely quirk his brow in response to her protectiveness, "We're waiting to see Detective Benson."

"No," he said apologetically, "I'm afraid not." He looked around, "It is my understanding that Detective Stabler opened fire in a public area, posing a danger to the general public. We are obligated to investigate this matter immediately." Alex opened her mouth in an effort to form a rebuttal, but Elliot cut her off.

"It's okay, Alex," he assured her as he stood up, "I guess I'll just have to wait a little longer to see Olivia." He paused, his expression soft, "Take care of her for me?"

"Yeah," Alex stood up and squeezed his hand. "Elliot, you call me if you need anything. Understand?" Then she whispered, "If they start badgering you, you call me. I'd like to see the looks on their faces when I show up as your representative."

"I will," he smiled, happy for the newfound friendship, "Thanks, Alex." He swallowed and whispered back, "You know. I think I'm finally understanding what it is that Olivia sees in you." Alex felt a blush creep into her cheeks as she watched Elliot walk away with the two seemingly heartless IAB detectives.

"Uh, Mr. Cragen? Mr. Stabler? Ms. Cabot?" she turned quickly as she recognized her name. A young resident with short black curly hair and blue eyes raked his eyes nervously over the waiting room. He stood in the foyer, looking uncomfortable. In one hand he held a clipboard. The other was shoved into the pocket of his lab coat. Alex managed to lock eyes with him and he nodded before walking over.

"Hi," Alex greeted somberly, "I'm Alex Cabot."

"Any relation to Drew Cabot?" he asked aloud. Alex smiled. Of course she should have expected her brother, who was an attending at the very same hospital, to come up at some point. The truth was, she had been so absorbed in what was happening with Olivia that she hadn't even thought to inquire after him in all the chaos that had erupted in the past 8 hours.

"He's my brother," Alex replied in a friendly manner, "You know him?"

"Why yes I do. He's my boss," the boy replied with a twinkle in his eyes, "I'm Dr. Jason Reynolds. I'm uh…supposed to lead you up to see Ms. Benson."

"How is she?" Alex asked quickly.

"Well," he breathed, glancing over the chart, "her chart says that she's stable for the time being so that's good. How about we get going? I'm sure that you're anxious to see her."

"I am," Alex admitted as they started walking.

"What's your relation to the patient?" he asked, trying to make small talk as they entered the elevator. Alex struggled to come up with some sort of answer that wouldn't earn her a scandalized glance. Then she suddenly realized that she didn't care what the man thought.

"I'm…umm…" Alex cleared her throat and then spoke in an unwavering tone, "She's my girlfriend."

"Oh," Alex looked away before she had a chance to see his reaction. Even though she wasn't afraid to admit her to her feelings for the older woman anymore, she was still afraid of being judged. She was surprised when he spoke. "Good for you," he said sincerely, "And I promise that I'm not just saying that."

"Thanks," Alex nodded appreciatively. He smiled back.

"Forgive me for being so intrusive," he cleared his throat as they reached the floor, "but would you like me to tell Drew that you're here?"

"I'd like that very much," Alex replied, "But if he's really busy, make sure he knows it can wait. I don't plan on going anywhere any time soon."

"Okay," he replied. Alex watched the doors slip open onto the fifth floor, and swallowed. The hallways were dim, and the plaque on the opposite wall from the door informed her that they had reached their destination. Jason walked slowly out of the elevator ahead of her and she followed, her heels clicking deafeningly through the silence. Jason stopped outside of Olivia's room, looking thoughtful.

"I'll leave you here," he said softly, "Good luck, Alex." She barely felt him squeeze her hand as he departed, obviously afraid to intrude a moment longer. Alex let out a deep staggered breath, leaning her arm against the wall for support.

_**A/N: Alright guys, so that's it for now. I know it was kind of mean to leave it hanging there but I thought that it would be good to build up to the moment where Alex realizes for the first time, how much she's damaged Olivia. I will try to update soon! Please read and review! I can use all the feedback I can get! Thanks for reading!**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Chapter 3**

_**A/N: So here is the next update. Alex and everyone else is stuck back in reality, while Olivia dreams, and are forced to wait for Olivia to awaken. Something sorta bad happens in this chapter, but in the long run its a good thing. I guess I'm sort of cheating since, a brain injury such as the one Olivia sustained would keep her comatose for much longer. But I can't expect you guys to wait forever, can I? I thought so. So without further ado, here is the next update.**_

**Title: Gifts and Curses**

**Fandom:**L&O: SVU

**Pairing:** Alex/Olivia

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the SVU universe. Any writing is done purely for recreational purposes. No ill harm is intended.

_**Without ado...let's kick off this long chapter. I will post it's companion at the same time. The other chapter will be from Liv's point of view. You can read this one first or second. It's up to you.**_

(Part 1)

As Alex stepped into the darkness of Olivia's room, she used the beeping to steady her footsteps. At the first sight of Olivia, her breath caught in her throat, and she was sure that in that moment her heart stopped beating as well. Olivia lay tangled in a sea of wires, looking so fragile and small. It was hard to process what she was looking at. Olivia was so strong and full of life. However, as Alex looked at her, she realized that Olivia lacked both of those things. The hospital bed seemed to threaten to swallow her whole. A tube was breathing for her now, she could hear the whine of the machine that pushed the air in and out of Olivia's lungs. And Alex knew that Olivia had a long fight ahead of her. It would surely be an uphill battle. Alex tried to keep her eyes from searching for what she knew they would. Alex let out another choked sob as her eyes fell on an unrecognizable face, wrought with purple bruises. It seemed an injustice. Olivia was incredibly beautiful; the strength that was always evident in her jaw, and her brown eyes, always grounded Alex. Don't get me wrong, she still felt Olivia was beautiful, and knew every feature that lay underneath the purple bruises, but it was hard to look at. Alex's eyes stared at the white bandage wrapped tightly around Olivia's head, hiding the places where the surgeon had bored holes through the brunette's skull. For a moment Alex stilled her movements and silently wondered if Olivia would ever even bother coming back. Alex had to keep reminding herself, despite the fact that it was extremely painful to do so, that the doctor said she may not make it through the night. Alex had to accept that possibility no matter how difficult the notion was.

Slowly, painfully, Alex made her way across the room to Olivia's bed. She sat down, her eyes darting down to where Olivia's hand was resting on the bed. Without much pause, she grasped Olivia's hand in hers, and kissed it, before holding it over the mattress. Alex slowly leaned forwards, her body shaking under her own emotional duress. For a long moment, Alex just stared at Olivia, watching her chest rise and fall. She looked at the heart monitor, watching the crests and depressions scroll by on the screen. Olivia's heart was still beating. That's all that mattered.

"Liv," Alex's voice came out as a broken whisper, "I am so sorry. I am just so sorry that I haven't been there for you like I should have. You were right. I let you down. I hurt you time and time again with no apology whatsoever and I am just so so sorry. I should have never left you." She took a deep breath as she grasped her hand. "I miss you. I miss you so much that it's killing me, and I need you to come back to me. I need you to save me." She cleared her throat before she continued, "I don't know if you can hear me, but frankly, I've always believed that it matters what people say, and I want you to know how I feel. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you, Liv." Alex repeated over and over again, praying that it would make a difference. "It's true. I…I always have and I always will. I shouldn't have shut you out like I did. I know how big of a mistake it was now. I…I know that I don't deserve it, but I need you to wake up for me. I need you to forgive me for what I've done. Because if you don't, I don't know what I'll do… You have to come back. Please! Because I will be so lost without you. I don't think I'll be able to breath…I'll just die. Please don't leave me here by myself." Alex let out a cry of the pain she felt.

Alex found herself closing her eyes as she allowed herself to feel everything she has been holding back the last few months. Her thoughts migrated and drifted back to that one night. She could still feel the softness of Olivia's lips on her own as she took control. She'll never forget how she felt when Olivia began to kiss her back…to reciprocate the need and urgency. And she'll never forget the look in Olivia's eyes as she ran her hands over Olivia's body. It was relief. It was love. It was desperate need. Not just for her, but for Alex as well. For the first time since Alex had been forced away, she had felt complete. Alex had never wanted to surrender Olivia to another person…man or woman. And Alex knew that she would never do it. She hadn't hidden her jealousy from Olivia in the slightest, when she had heard about the brunette's date with Mark. Sure, she had hidden a lot of things for a long time, but not then...that night it had stopped. It had stopped with the kiss, and when she had seen Olivia turn around and look at her, completely unafraid to show her feelings. When she heard Olivia singing to her as they danced, she knew that she could deny the older woman no longer. All she could think then was that she still had a chance. Elliot said it himself. Olivia wanted her. Not anyone else but her. And that gave Alex hope. It made her believe that she still had a chance…that her and Olivia could live the life Alex had always dream of.

It was then that Alex decided. She would do whatever it takes. She would be there. She would help Olivia through what came, no matter how difficult or impossible. She would help Olivia move on with her life whether it involved her or not. She owed her that much. She only wished that she didn't have to help her through the pain and suffering that she knew was ahead, but Alex was back in her life now. Alex had no intention of making Olivia do it on her own, like she had been forced to do during her first few weeks of witness protection. That was what mattered. She had a chance…a chance to make things right.

Alex looked around the dark room, to find that she was utterly alone with the woman in front of her. She wasn't sure what to do. She wasn't sure if she should say anything else to Olivia. Upon looking at her, Alex squeezed the brunette's hand. She closed her eyes, and began to sing to Olivia, a song to reciprocate, to show her love for the detective.

"For you," Alex began softly, "there'll be no more crying. For you, the sun will be shining. And I feel that when I'm with you, it's all right. I know its right." Alex let out a soft sigh as she took another breath. "How's that?" Alex asked softly, sure that it sounded horrible to her ears. "Sorry, I know it's not as good as you singing it, but…"

"To you, I'll give the world. To you, I'll never be cold," Alex, continued, her warm voice spreading softly through the room. "Cause I feel that when I'm with you, it's alright. I know its right." Alex slowly leant in closer and kissed Olivia on the left cheek, part of her undamaged face. "And the songbirds are singing, like they know the score. And I love you, I love you, I love you, like never before." Alex felt her breath quicken in her chest as she sang those words softly. Little did she know that she was being watched. After a couple more minutes Alex carefully pulled her hand from Olivia's and stood, walking quietly out into the hallway. She was jolted out of her reverie when she noticed Cragen watching her.

"What?" she asked gently. "Did I do something wrong?"

"On the contrary, that was sweet. You were singing to her," the man smiled.

"I thought she might like it," Alex said as if it were no big deal.

"You know, in some cultures, singing is a way to show affection," Cragen said as he looked back into Olivia's room. "You have a lovely voice."

"Thanks," Alex sighed. It hurt her to think about how much she was in love with Olivia.

"Alex," Cragen reciprocated the sigh.

"Please don't," Alex begged, "Please don't make me feel worse than I already do."

"Alex," Cragen breathed quickly. "There's no need to get defensive. I'm not here to yell at you."

"I'm sorry…it's just that," Alex felt herself pouring her heart out in the middle of the hallway. "I have no idea what to do. And I have no idea as to how I got to this place…this state of being. I'm just here. God I love her so much and it's just…it's not ever going to go away. I made a mistake. I never should have pushed her away like I did. I knew that she was trying. Now I'm worried that it's too late."

"Maybe it's not…" Cragen said suddenly, feeling immense sympathy for the woman next to her. "Alex… I'm going to be honest with you. For a while, I despised you for what you did to her… But for some reason she never talked about you anything less than fondly." Cragen watched as she saw something flicker in Alex's eyes. "Her eyes still light up a little when she talks about you…even…even if she tries to hide it. There are no regrets there. Sure, for a while she was…she was angry with you. But part of me thinks that you'll always have a strong hold on her heart." Alex opened her mouth to speak, but shut it when Cragen held up his hand, "Let me say something else," he requested. "She still loves you. It's not too late. And frankly, I can't believe I'm saying this, but…I've always felt like it should be you." Alex felt tears begin to form in her eyes. "Olivia needs someone who can take care of her. Who not only understands what Olivia does for a living, but who is there to support her. She has been doing it on her own for far too long, and over the past few years it has really taken a toll. She's too young, Alex. Someone has to be here to make her stick around. Please. You have to make her stick around. Life is so precious…"

"You think I have a chance?" Alex asked softly, surprise in her features.

"Yeah…Yeah I do," Cragen rambled. "I mean…not right away, of course. In fact, it's probably going to take a long time. But if you're there for her, and if you can help her through this, then maybe… Maybe it'll be okay."

"Thanks, Don," Alex said feeling a slightly renewed sense of hope.

"I'm just being honest," he assured her.

"So," Alex swallowed, looking around, "Where's Elliot? I thought he was coming back?"

"He will be," Cragen sighed, "But the internal affairs bureau are really working him over. They want to charge him for misconduct."

"What?" Alex hissed indignantly, "He was just doing his job!"

"I know. I'm angry too," Cragen sighed, raking a hand over his face, "Elliot said he was merely trying to deter the criminal. But the IAB wants him suspended."

"Don't they care?" Alex asked angrily, "That one of their officers was mowed down by a man they were trying to arrest. Elliot was just trying to stop him from getting away."

"It'll be okay," Cragen said quietly, "I'm planning on going to bail him out. I just wanted a moment with Olivia first." Alex nodded.

"So any word about Hector yet?" Alex asked casually as if she were merely curious and didn't care whether the man got what he deserved. The truth was, Alex was ready to Kevorkian Hector with her bare hands, and then ask the detectives at the sixteenth precinct to help her get away with it.

"Not yet," he said distractedly as he looked in Olivia's room, just staring at his surrogate daughter. He cared about her more than Olivia would ever know. "We put the city on high alert and faxed his picture and information to all of the surrounding hospitals and clinics. Apparently blue coats found the stolen car that was used. They found blood inside, which suggests that Hector will have to receive medical assistance at some point." Cragen stopped talking as his phone started buzzing. She quirked a brow, knowing that cell phones needed to be shut off in the ICU because they interacted with some of the machines.

"No worries," Cragen spoke, as he seemed to read her mind, "I got special permission to leave it on. Alex nodded. Cragen's phone vibrated again, he looked at it eagerly, and smiled. "Speak of the devil. This could be it. I have to take this." Alex watched as he flipped open his phone and answered. She watched him carefully, gauging his facial expressions and body language for clues. Finally, he hung up.

"Well, I'll be damned. He's at Sinai," Cragen said to Alex. "I have to run down there to arrest him formally. They're going to hold him until I get there."

"You want me to stay with Olivia while you're gone?" Alex asked quietly. "And what about Fin and Munch? I'm sure they'd like to see her."

"Yeah," Cragen nodded, "I'm working on that. Hospital security is very strict. But they should be up soon." Cragen allowed for another short pause. "Well, I'm going to slip in there for a minute if that's all right, and then I'll be off."

"Take your time," Alex said softly, "I'm going to run and get some coffee. You want me to get you some?"

"No," he shook his head, "Thanks for the offer, but my nerves are bad enough as it is." Alex nodded and watched as Don walked into Olivia's room. She watched in fascination as Don kissed Olivia's forehead, and sat down. Deciding after a moment that she was intruding on something deeply personal, she headed for the lounge. She returned five minutes later to see Cragen walk out of Olivia's room.

"Please call me if anything changes," he said with a hand on her arm, "or you need me for anything."

"Sure thing," Alex assured him, starting to walk past him and into Olivia's room. Then she stopped and turned around, adding as an after thought. "Hey, Don?"

"Yes, Alex?" he asked, politely.

"Give him hell for me? For all of us?"

"You can count on it," Cragen said honestly, "No one hurts one of my detectives and gets away with it." With a satisfied look on her face, Alex turned around and went back into Olivia's room.

(Part 2)

Alex sat with Olivia through the next four hours, never daring to budge an inch. Nurses filtered in and out of the room, periodically, regulating medication and checking instruments. Alex watched them with detached interest. Alex, after telling Olivia stupid stories from her childhood, she felt her own eyes begin to droop. She had no fight in her and therefore found herself succumbing to sleep.

Alex had been peacefully sleeping at Olivia's bedside when all hell broke loose. It came from out of nowhere, and Olivia's serene expresssion did not portray the disturbance. The woman's eyes were closed, and the bruising was worse than ever, but she still looked just as if she were innocently sleeping. A disoriented and very drowsy Alex jumped up, her eyes scanning the machines that were sounding off various alarms. Her heart was pounding frantically in her chest.

"No," she muttered as she struggled to compose herself, "This isn't happening! Liv! You're not doing this! Not to me." Alex suddenly found it hard to breath. Without thinking, she rushed over to the button on the wall and hit it as alarms started going off all over the room. "Liv, no! Please don't… Don't go." Alex started sobbing, as she realized she could do nothing. She kept calling Olivia's name. He cries growing to screams as she realized everything was out of her control. Alex vaguely registered the urgent yells of the nurses rushing in and barely felt the warm arms that wrapped around her as they pulled her away from Olivia's bedside. Alex fought and protested the whole way, but ultimately knew she needed to be kept out of the way. Alex could only watch in horror as several doctors ran in and set to work on Olivia.

"She's in asystole," a nurse yelled as the crash cart was rush in. "We need the paddles charged now!" She watched as the doctors rushed around the room, checking all of the machines. She had not realized yet, who had her in a vice hold.

"What's happening?" Alex cried as she was forced out of the room completely. She began to sob as warm, strong arms wrapped around her. The scent was familiar, and so was the warm chest that she buried her head into.

"Shh," A deep soft voice cooed as the person under Alex shifted and began to brush their fingers methodically through her hair. She finally pulled together enough strength to look up at the man who was consoling her.

"Oh god, Drew," Alex whispered as his eyes looked down on her with sympathy.

"Shh," he breathed, holding her tighter as he whispered, "It's going to be all right. Shh…"

"What's going on?" Alex asked as she tried to suppress her tears and sobs.

"What's going on?" Alex asked, her voice broken as she faced someone who she knew would talk to her, "Please…tell me what's wrong! Is she going to be okay?"

"Her heart stopped," Drew spoke softly, "They have to get it started again."

"I…" Alex struggled to breath as tears worked their way down her cheeks in a steady flow, "I don't understand. She's on life support…how can her heart stop? How can she still die?"

"Life support offers support to the vital organs of the body, specifically the heart, lungs, and Kidneys. There is a machine breathing for her, but nothing except medications to aid her heart and kidneys," Drew tried to explain slowly. "Her body is under an extreme amount of stress that would put even the healthiest person at risk for organ failure."

"So she's going to die anyways?" Alex whispered in agony. Alex looked up as an intern came rushing out, looking frantic.

"Whoa whoa whoa," Drew stopped her there, "Who said anything about dying?" He tried to force a smile. "Alex," he sighed, "The doctors that are in there now, are the absolute best at what they do." He kissed the top of her head once more. "They're going to figure out what's wrong and then they're going to fix it. And she'll be fine."

"Oh, Drew," Alex whispered, "What if they can't?"

"None of that," he smiled, "This isn't the Alex Cabot I know." He paused, gauging her state of mind. "What happened to the Alex that I know?"

"She died," Alex uttered quietly. "Drew…you have to understand. Olivia…She's my everything."

"I know," he replied in a breath. And it was true. The very moment that he had seen her, he had known. And that's not even mentioning the way that she fought against him as he pulled her out of the room. She had never fought so hard for something before. And believe me, he grew up with the young determined Alex Cabot who had her life planned out for her since high school.

Drew pulled Alex out of the way as the doctors and nurses rushed out with the gurney. Alex stared blankly at the scene before her as they ran down the hall. Drew held her tightly as he inquired after their intentions.

"Her intracranial pressure skyrocketed," a nurse commented quickly, "We have to relieve the pressure. We're moving her to OR 1 now." Alex burst into a fresh bout of tears. And Drew stood there for minutes just holding her and letting her sob as he tried in vain to comfort her.

"Alex?" Elliot came running up, his eyes conveyed his urgency and fear. Alex felt his pain and jumped up from the chair she was sitting in inside of the small private waiting room. "Where is she!" Alex stood up quickly, muttering the answer to the best of her. "Where's Olivia?" Elliot's voice shook.

"She's in surgery," Alex said as calmly as she could manage. In a quavered voice she tried to speak, "I called you and Cragen. I tried to get a hold of you, but you didn't answer."

"I'm so sorry," Elliot apologized, feeling guilty for leaving Alex there to deal with it alone, "My phone died somehow. Alex…What happened?" Alex took a deep breath. Her eyes still hurt from all of the crying.

"Her intracranial pressure skyrocketed again. Drew says it was due to an intracranial hemorrhage," Alex rambled quickly, "She was bleeding into her brain."

"Damn it," Elliot sighed, plopping down in a chair, his head in his hands.

"The good news is that if they can stop the bleed," Alex said carefully, "they will alleviate the pressure and increase her chances of waking up sooner."

"That's hardly consolation for what Olivia's going through," Elliot muttered. Alex walked over slowly and squeezed his shoulder.

"I know," Alex agreed.

"How long until she's out of surgery?" Elliot found himself asking. "I really need to see her. I…" Alex felt another tear slip from her eyes and brushed it away. She knew how Elliot felt. She felt desperate to see Olivia, to catch a glimpse, just to make sure Olivia was still alive.

"One of the doctors came in about an hour and a half ago," Alex said looking at her watch. "Said they were about halfway through and that things were going well."

"How long has she been in there for?" Elliot asked quietly, not lifting his head.

"About five hours," Alex breathed dropping next to him.

"I'm sorry," Elliot apologized, lifting his head up to meet Alex's eyes. "It must have been bad. I mean…having to go through that, wondering if you were going to lose her all over again. I should have been here."

"It's okay," Alex replied, not wanting Elliot to feel guilty. "I was…still am petrified. I had no idea what was going on. If Drew hadn't been there then I think I would have had a panic attack. But he explained everything. He talked me down…so to speak."

"Who's Drew?" Elliot asked with raised eyebrows.

"My brother," Alex replied before adding, "Well, sorta."

"What does sorta mean?" Elliot joked.

"Umm…my parents adopted him in high school," Alex explained. "He was my best friend. His parents were abusive, and he just needed someone to care. So… my mom and dad came to the rescue."

"Oh," Elliot swallowed, "I didn't know."

"Yeah," Alex smiled, "its kind of a family secret… So doesn't tell anyone, okay?"

"Scout's honor," Elliot replied.

"Elliot," Alex swallowed, deciding to bring up the topic, "How did your meeting with IAB go?"

"Good," Elliot replied, "I managed to get out of there with a warning and a slap on the wrist. They weren't happy about it, of course, but they didn't have enough to suspend me. Plus, with Fin, Munch, and the witnesses all backing my actions, they couldn't punish me without making themselves look bad."

"Good," Alex smiled, "That's good."

Alex and Elliot looked up as another doctor flitted into the room, looking upbeat. She was tall and had long blonde hair that curled at the shoulders as well as bright green eyes and a friendly smile. She looked at Alex and Elliot, who quickly stood up and shook hands with her.

"Hi," she greeted, "I'm Dr. Al'Meera, and I'm one of the surgeons who operated on Olivia Benson."

"Operated? Past tense?" Elliot asked with a confused expression on his usually strong features. The doctor looked equally confused. Alex decided to jump in.

"It's only been an hour and a half," Alex stuttered, "You're done early. Did something go wrong? Is Olivia, okay?"

"Oh don't worry," she shook her head, "It's good news. Things went better than we expected. We managed to stop the bleed and drain some of the excess cerebrospinal fluid from her central nervous system. The swelling has already gone down considerably."

"Oh thank god," Alex breathed, tears working their way from her eyes. For a moment, she had let herself fear the worst. And it had been excruciating. To hear that Olivia was not only still alive, but that her condition had improved was an absolute relief.

"Is she stable?" Elliot asked.

"Yes," the doctor nodded, "She's being moved into recovery now." The paused and looked at the chart. "I wanted to come and let you know. One of you can go sit with her if you'd like."

"Elliot?" Alex asked quietly, "Why don't you go? You haven't even gotten to see her yet."

"Yeah," he nodded.

"Uhh…" Alex mumbled as she tried to find her voice before the two departed, "I have one more quick question."

"Sure," the doctor smiled encouragingly.

"Have you been able to monitor her brain activity yet since the swelling has gone down? Do you know when she'll wake up?"

"Well, we're hoping to be able to do that before we get her back up to her room," Lauren replied, "We want to get an MRI and CT now that she's stable to check for nerve damage and residual bleeding in her abdomen. We should have all of those answers very soon." Alex could not possibly describe the sense of relief she was feeling. The swelling was going down. The scare, if anything, had benefited them in the long run. Now the question was, what would come next? Alex gave Elliot's arm a squeeze before he headed for recovery with the doctor.

Another twenty-four hours would go by before Alex saw any significant change in the detective. Twenty-four long, excruciating and torturous hours since Olivia had come out of surgery, and still not a sign of life was evident in her, as she lay motionless on the hospital bed before her.

The news had been good, encouraging even. The swelling had gone down substantially, and the MRI and CT had showed that Olivia's brain was still in good shape. Olivia's brainwaves were also normal, and that gave reason for optimism. However, Alex had yet to see Olivia's beautiful chocolate brown eyes. And as Alex sat crumpled in a chair next to her, her throat burned with every thought and regret that she knew she might never have the chance to address. She hadn't moved in countless hours, unless you counted a few trips to the bathroom only a few doors down the hall. Alex's hand clung onto Olivia's tightly, exploring each line and texture of her smooth skin. Alex's hands burned with the heat produced between them and she swore that he could feel Olivia's pulse racing through her fingertips. She was dying slowly inside every minute that Olivia refused to open her eyes for her. She wanted to kiss the woman so badly, and know that Olivia could return it.

Her anxious eyes remained transfixed on Olivia, as she watched a tube continue breath for the brunette now. She busied her own thoughts over the hours with the massive number of tangled wires, monitoring her heart and countless other organs that she needed to survive. Drew had taught her how to read most of them, or at the very least, he had described which function each of the monitors served. She refused to look away as the door opened, and another faceless body soon entered. She watched as Fin plopped down into the chair across from her.

"How is she?" the detective asked. He looked about as exhausted as she was. His eyes were bloodshot and his expression seemed to say a lot for his feelings. She knew that Fin and Munch cared just as much as she did, but unfortunately, they had been kept away through the worst of it. And Alex couldn't imagine how that had felt.

"Peaceful," Alex replied without looking away from Olivia. "Which is more than I can say for myself," Alex said with a broken voice.

"Alex," Odafin Tutuola sighed. "It's going to be all right. Liv, is strong."

"There's still no change," Alex whispered in frustration. "Why won't she wake up?"

"Look, I know it's hard to be optimistic in this case," he replied, trying to be the strong one, "but just try to be patient. Everything will happen in its own time. You'll see." Alex just nodded, her eyes drooping low over her eyes.

"Alex," Fin spoke in a tentative voice, afraid he might say something to upset Alex further, "You haven't moved from that chair in nearly 20 hours… Maybe. Maybe you should think about going to get something to eat. Or finding somewhere to lay down for a while." He watched her carefully as he spoke. "I think there's a lounge with a couch just a little ways down the hall."

"No," Alex replied gruffly as she ran his hand over her delicate porcelain features. "I'm fine here."

"Alex," Fin tried again, "No one's going to think you weak for taking a minute to clean up, or for getting a little bit of sleep."

"I said I'm fine. So will you just leave it alone? Please?" Alex spoke losing her patience. "I'm not leaving."

"Okay," Odafin replied lamely. "Okay," he sighed, resigning himself to defeat. It was time to try something else. "How about I run and get you some coffee? Would you like that?"

"That would be nice, Fin," Alex spoke graciously, "Thank you."

"No problem," he smiled, standing up, "I'll be right back." Alex watched Fin disappear from the room with detached interest. In seconds, her focus was back on Olivia. She silently willed Olivia to wake up.

"Liv," Alex's voice was soft, "Come on, sweetie. Wake up. I'm here. I'm waiting for you. Come on, baby." Alex waited for a couple of minutes, receiving no reply. She let out a sigh of exasperation and closed her eyes. She began to sing under her breath.

"Will you think that you are all alone?" Alex began to sing under her breath, "When no one's there to hold your hand? When all you know seems so far away, everything is temporary just rest your head. I'm permanent."

Alex stopped singing as her phone began to go off. _Crap_, she thought as she realized she hadn't turned it off. Ever so carefully, she pulled her hand away from Olivia's. With fumbling fingers, she poked around in her jean pocket and pulled it out. Munch was walking into the room. Alex stood up, and gave Fin a quick hug and took the coffee from his hand with a thank you. Her phone started to go off again, causing her to pull away.

"Shit," she swore as she checked the caller ID, "It's McCoy, I gotta take this."

"Go ahead," Fin said as he sat down in the chair she had just vacated, close to Olivia, "I'm not going anywhere. I promise, Alex. I know how much she means to you. She means a lot to me too." Alex nodded and reluctantly walked away as she flipped open her phone.

"Cabot," she answered as she walked down the hallway, to the lounge and began to pace back and forth.

"Alex, it's Jack McCoy," the older man spoke into the phone.

"What can I do for you, Jack?" Alex asked patiently. "Did you get my cases transferred over?"

"Yeah," he replied, "But that's not the reason I'm calling."

"Oh," Alex replied numbly.

"I just wanted to know how Olivia is doing." he prompted, "Has she woken up yet?"

"No," Alex replied painfully. She was starting to feel like it might never happen, but tried to suppress those thoughts and take the optimistic route instead, "But the doctors say that her brain activity looks good. They pulled her out of the induced coma about four hours ago. Err…what I mean is that they stopped the sedatives." Alex paused. "So now it's just a game of wait and see. Hopefully, she'll be awake soon."

"I'll keep my fingers crossed," Jack replied. "Alex, is there anything that I can do?"

"No," Alex cleared her throat, "You've already so much for me, Jack. I can't thank you enough for giving me some time off."

"Oh Alex," he replied like a father might reply to their son or daughter, "You know I had no choice. I doubt you'd be able to think straight enough to state your name in court, let alone do anything else. I just want you to take good care of yourself, and Olivia. You give her my best wishes."

"Thanks, Jack," Alex smiled, grateful that McCoy was capable of such compassion when it was warranted. "I'll keep in touch. Please call if you need anything. I'm hoping that my notes will be clear enough, but if for some reason they're not, make sure that Donaldson knows he can call me and ask."

"Of course," he replied, "Now you take care of yourself, Alex." Alex muttered a reply in the affirmative and snapped her phone shut. After using the bathroom, since she was up and around anyways, Alex walked back to the room to find that Fin had been true to his word. He stood up and let her have the chair. She offered a small thank you and sat down, running her hands through her hair.

"You all right?" he asked worriedly, sensing her distress, stronger than it was before.

"I'll let you know the answer to that question when she wakes up," Alex breathed before taking Olivia's hand again. She sat like this for several hours. She was reading to Olivia when alarms started going off around the room. Reflexively, Alex slammed the book shut and jumped up. She rushed over to the monitors. It was the heart monitor. Alex held her breath as she watched the numbers. She wasn't coding. Alex watched as Olivia's heart rate increased slowly, first from 50 beats per minute up to nearly 70 beats per minute. The numbers were getting higher. For a moment, Alex scarcely allowed herself to hope. Olivia was coming out of her slumber. The brunette was waking up. Alex rushed back over to the bedside. Olivia's chest shot up from the bed as the brunette started gagging. The reflex itself is caused by the Glossopharyngeal nerve. Alex's heart stopped. Olivia was showing signs of life. She was fighting.

"Olivia," Alex couldn't keep the emotion out of her voice as she spoke the woman's name. She tenderly reached for Olivia brushing her fingertips in a soothing manner across Olivia's cheek. Olivia gagged again. Alex watched Olivia's eyes, she could see the movement underneath. With one hand she reached down for Olivia's hand and squeezed it. Olivia's eyes flickered open. Alex gasped, at the sudden beauty. Then she noticed the confusion. Olivia had no idea where she was or why. Olivia's eyes were unfocused as they stared at her. Her pupils were dilated.

Alex opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She tried again.

"Baby, Liv, can you hear me?" Alex asked as she leaned over and brushed Olivia's cheek again. Olivia could do nothing but moan, choking over the obstruction in her throat.

"It's me, Liv," Alex soothed, "It's alright." Olivia choked on the air that continued to stream into her lungs. Alex continued to stare into Olivia's eyes, her own tears threatening to fall as she watched Olivia struggle. "Liv, I need you to listen to me. You have a breathing tube. I know it's uncomfortable, but try not to fight it." Olivia let out another moan, her eyelids fluttering. Another feeling took over Olivia. She was tired…so damn tired. Alex could see this and so she gripped Olivia's hand a little harder and tried speaking the brunette's name as if it would tie her to consciousness. Her heart broke as she saw the agony and confusion in Olivia's eyes. Olivia was in pain, awful pain, and it was consuming her thoughts. Alex tried to get Olivia to focus on her. Olivia's eyes drifted shut and stayed like that for a long moment before opening again.

"Squeeze my hand if you can hear me," Alex spoke softly. "Come on, Liv." Olivia opened her eyes again as she realized she recognized the voice once again. She could hardly make sense of it. Her thoughts were lagging so slowly.

"Baby," Alex whispered as she brushed the good side of Olivia's forehead. Olivia let out a moan and to accentuate the comfort that the contact gave her, she squeezed Alex's hand. All of Alex was focused on the brunette in the bed in front of her. She didn't realize she had company until they spoke.

"Alex?" A voice sounded from the doorway. Causing Alex to look away from a moment. Her eyes found Elliot Stabler.

"She's awake," Alex spoke excitedly.

"I'll go get the doctor," Elliot breathed quickly, rushing back out of the room. Olivia's eyes started to drift closed. Olivia's blinks gradually lasted longer and longer, causing Alex to cling to Olivia. Alex pleaded for more time. She wasn't ready to let go. She wanted to fight for it. She was willing to do anything to see Olivia's chocolate brown orbs.

"No, honey," Alex spoke warmly, "Don't go. Please. Not yet." Olivia struggled for consciousness, not wanting to leave either. "Liv, I love you so much. Please signal that you can understand me." Olivia could do nothing but squeeze Alex's hand. Alex tried not to cry, as she felt Olivia's strength slip away, but she lost it. Tears began to fall, her voice was broken as she begged Olivia to stay.

"Stay with me," Alex chanted over and over again in an echo of that night so long ago. She understood what it was like now, trying to cling to anything, trying to cling to life, and knew that Olivia couldn't hold onto consciousness forever. Alex placed a chaste kiss on Olivia's good cheek. "I love you," she whispered. The doctor practically ran in with Elliot at his heels. She stepped away as the doctor confirmed, what she was afraid that she had imagined.

_**So...I really am curious as to your guy's thoughts on this chapter. Please read and review!**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**A/N:**_ _**So here is the next update. This chapter is written in Olivia's perspective, and I'm worried that it's sort of confusing but I wanted to write something as a companion to the last chapter. It's safe to say that anything that goes on in this chapter, save for the very end, isn't real. **__**In this chapter, Olivia has kind of an out of body experience. It is meant to start at the same time that she codes in front of Alex, and coincide with what happens after. **_

_****__**It's hard to say what people go through while they are in a coma. I've heard about people seeing themselves, watching what happens around them, and I've heard about people experiencing dreams that they feel trapped in. So, I've threw in a little of both. You don't even have to really read it if you want to, but I already had it written and wanted to post it. I'm hoping to have the next update up soon. I should be able to since it is the weekend. I hope that you enjoy it!~**_

**Title: Gifts and Curses**

**Fandom: **L&O: SVU

**Pairing:** Alex/Olivia

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the SVU universe. Any writing is done purely for recreational purposes. No ill harm is intended.

* * *

_Olivia opened her eyes, bothered by all of the commotion. People were running all over her room. Who had died? She determined that this was surreal almost instantly. Her thoughts were focused on one thing. Alex. Where was she? And where was Elliot? She swore she had just seen the blonde. Part of her could no longer take the distance between herself and her love._

_A chill shot down Olivia's spine as the nightmare of the accident replayed itself once more. Had that been real? As she closed his eyes, she began to assess her own injuries, from head to toe. She felt all right. She waited for them to look away before planning out her next actions. First things first, Olivia reached up to put her I.V. on hold and then disconnected herself from the central line. She knew what she was about to do was stupid. Hell it was probably idiocy at it's best…but she didn't care. She wanted freedom._

_She reached over to turn off the heart monitor. After finding that it wasn't working properly anyways, she freed herself of the wires. She began to scoot towards the edge of the bed, stopping after a short bit to suppress a grunt of pain. After a minute of focusing her thoughts, she continued and slid off of the bed until she was standing…wow…she was standing! Olivia took a deep breath before she freed herself of the oxygen. In some strange way she felt light…she felt free. Her head, however, ached as if there were no tomorrow. Olivia clenched her fists, and took one look back to where she had been a moment before and froze._

"_Oh my god," Olivia spoke aloud. This was an experience she never thought she'd have in her lifetime. All Olivia could do was stare at the motionless figure who was laying in the bed. It was her. And she wasn't alive. In some out of body experience she watched as the doctors frantically tried to restart her heart. She could feel the warmth slipping from her body and knew it was only a matter of time until she didn't exist at all._

___Quickly, Olivia's eyes found Alex, standing helplessly outside, looking through the glass windows. She'd never seen Alex like this before for Alex looked an utter and complete mess. Olivia knew that Alex always kept her appearance immaculate, never once allowing a hair to be out of place. Her make up was always perfect. Her lashes were long and curly and accentuated her eyes perfectly. Alex never cried, not once. And yet here she was, standing with tears running freely down her cheeks, her eyes red and puffy. Her complexion was blotchy, and Olivia felt Alex's pain. Olivia sought to comfort the woman she loved and walked over and tried to take Alex's soft hand in hers._

_____"Alex," Olivia whispered, "It's all right. I'm right here."_

"She died," Alex uttered quietly. "Drew…you have to understand. Olivia…She's my everything."

_"You're my everything too, Alex," Olivia spoke, trying everything in her power to get Alex to look at her._

_Olivia closed her eyes, feeling a pull deep in her chest as she felt Alex's pain. She tried to stay. She really did. She didn't want to leave, Alex, but had no choice. When she__ opened her eyes again, and looked around. She was surprised to find herself back at the precinct. Elliot was next to her, chatting her ear off._

"_Good thing the captain is giving us the afternoon off," Elliot said quietly, "Kathy wants me to take her out tonight. And you look like you could use some R&R."_

"_Thanks, El," Olivia replied as she slugged him on the arm, "You're so kind."_

"_You have any plans tonight?" Elliot asked out of curiosity._

"_Alex and I are going out for dinner," Olivia muttered quietly. The words just came out as if they were true. Olivia decided to just go with it. It seemed real enough._

"_Alex," Elliot repeated. "So…is Alex picking you up from work?" he asked playfully as he bumped shoulders with her._

"_Yeah," Olivia swallowed, not sure why she was bothered by the undertones in his voice._

"_Oh?" he sounded surprised, "So what does she want?"_

"_Apparently…to be friends…or whatever," Olivia mumbled. "You know what? I'm done thinking about this. It is just dinner."_

"_Dinner? Is that anything like a date?" Elliot asked in surprise. Olivia's phone began to ring. She looked out over the street in front of the precinct, wondering where in the hell Alex was. She was anxious to get as far away from Elliot's teasing as possible. With slow drawn out movements, she flipped it open._

"_Benson," Olivia breathed. She was aware of the fact that her partner was watching her closely._

"_Hey. It's me. I should be pulling in just….about…. now." Olivia smiled as she saw a very sharp BMW pull against the curb. She watched as Alex's face lit up when she caught sight of Olivia waving to her. "Ta da," Alex's voice came on the other end. The line clicked dead as she killed the engine and hopped out of the driver's seat. Alex walked up to her and planted a kiss on her cheek. Elliot watched all this with raised eyebrows._

"_Hey," Olivia smiled, shyly._

"_Hey," Alex's voice was soft. "You look beautiful…" To this comment Olivia could only laugh. Olivia knew she looked sub par after working nearly 40 hours in a row. Alex reached for her hand. "Save it," Olivia returned, "I know I look like crap."_

"_Nonsense," Alex replied. "Come on, Liv."_

"_Shall we get going?" she asked softly with a glance towards the car._

"_Yeah," Olivia nodded._

"_Have fun, Liv," Elliot could see something light up in Olivia's eyes in Alex's presence. It made him happy._

"_See you, El," Olivia said fleetingly as she followed Alex to her car._

"_You know? You don't look so bad yourself… You ever wear jeans?" Alex let out a low chuckle as she opened the passenger door for her date._

"_I had to be in court this morning. You know how it is, suits come with the territory of being a lawyer." Alex offered as an explanation, "I never got enough time to change into something more comfortable…"_

"_Oh! I almost forgot. How was court?" Olivia asked with great interest as she slid in Alex's front seat._

"_Piece of cake," Alex answered as she gently shut the door and rushed back over to the driver's side, "Let's just say that you aren't the only one who is good at their job…"_

"_So where are we headed?" Olivia asked as she looked out the window._

"_That," Alex smiled teasingly, "Is a surprise."_

"_I hate surprises," Olivia muttered._

"_Too bad," Alex replied, "You're just going to have to wait." Olivia stuck out her lips and pouted. "Is this a good surprise or bad surprise?" Olivia inquired as she looked into Alex's gorgeous blue eyes._

"_Good," Alex promised with a smile. "Definitely good… or at least I think so…"_

"_Well I'm curious to find out what that may be then," Olivia said as if she were taking on an adventure._

"_How about we go and find out right now?" Alex suggested as she pulled out into the chaotic Manhattan traffic._

"_Well…Okay," Olivia began, "Normally I don't like surprises…but you stuck it out at the precinct long enough to ask me out on a date so… I think I'll allow it just this one time."_

"_I didn't stick it out. Believe it or not, I actually liked working SVU. You were just a bonus."_

"_A bonus?" Olivia quirked her brow, "Like frequent flier miles? Hmm… that could be my new motto. I just come with the badge."_

"_Not what I meant," Alex replied as a blush crept up on her cheeks. "Besides, I don't plan on letting anyone else have you."_

"_Uh huh," Olivia sighed, "I'm that special, huh?"_

"_Liv," Alex said seriously, "You're that special. You're one of a kind."_

"_Is that some sort of pick up line?" Olivia asked curiously, feeling a blush creep into her cheeks. Her eyes vigorously avoided Alex's gaze. She could feel her desire for Alex border on the edge of control._

"_Not one for pick up lines, detective?" Alex asked, now intrigued._

"_No," Olivia replied honestly. "The truth is, I usually have my mind made up about whether I'm taking someone home before they even start spurting them off."_

"_Ah," Alex nodded, knowingly, "Of course. You're not one to be very patient." Alex paused, letting her eyes rake over Olivia hungrily. "What's the best pick up line you've ever heard?"_

"_Best one I ever heard was…" Olivia tried to keep her face straight as she spoke, "Officer…officer. I'd like to report a crime. You're too damn sexy in that uniform. Of course, that was way back in the day when I was still on the bottom of the food chain."_

_Alex got such a kick out of it that she burst into laughs. "What?" Olivia asked a minute later as she began to calm down._

"_Oh, come on…" Alex giggled, "That's actually pretty creative. For one thing, it's amusing...and well, it's kind of true."_

"_What's true?" Olivia asked with a mischievous glint in her eyes._

"_Well," Alex replied meekly, "I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't thought about ripping off that jacket of yours and all of the clothes underneath it. And the badge." It was Olivia's turn to burst out into uncontrolled laughter. "Okay. You know what?" Alex said with great embarrassment, "I think I may have said too much."_

"_Mmmhmm," Olivia turned her head to smile at Alex with the cutest look on her face, "Then let me ask you one thing. Where have you been all my life?"_

"_Around…" Alex simply answered. They made nice conversation the rest of the way to their destination. Olivia let out a gasp of surprise as the pulled up to a small private marina. Alex cut the engine after parking the car in a small space._

"_We're here," Alex smiled as he opened his door. She opened the back door of her car to pull out a picnic basket that Olivia had failed to notice before._

"_And where is here, exactly?" Olivia asked as she hopped out of the front seat and walked around to help her date._

"_Long Island's finest marina," Alex spoke with certain giddiness. She held out her hand for Olivia as she led her away from the car. They made their way down a small dock to a considerably sized sailboat tied at the end of the dock._

"_Is this yours?" she asked in surprise._

"_Yeah," Alex nodded, "I know that it's a little…err…bit of an interesting choice for a date, but it looks like you could use some serious relaxation."_

"_No," Olivia shook her head happily, "It's perfect… wow… Just wow. How are you single, again?" Alex let out a laugh as she hoped onto the stern of the sailboat and set the picnic basket down._

"_Probably the awful pick up lines, remember? It's either that or the fact that I'm practically married to my job." Alex joked. She then held out her hand to help Olivia across the small gap. Within seconds, Olivia was standing on the floating vessel._

"_It's beautiful," Olivia breathed in absolute fascination at the amazing boat. "How did you afford this?"_

"_I uh…I actually have joint ownership with a couple of my friends," she revealed, "but they're out of the city for the present moment, so it's all ours."_

_It was three hours later that they ate their small picnic lunch out on the bow as it bobbed up and down in the ocean's small waves._

"_This is…amazing," Olivia smiled at Alex as she finished her sandwich._

"_Thank you," Alex returned, "I try…what can I say?"_

"_So…" Olivia cleared her throat._

"_This may seem a bit forward, but may I kiss you?" Alex asked as her eyes wandered down to Olivia's cherry lips then back up to Olivia's chocolate eyes. Olivia felt the same attraction. Alex needed no verbal answer._

_It seemed to take forever to close the small gap between them. Alex leant into the kiss, her mouth finding Olivia's as the sky opened up on cue and small drops of rain began to fall from the sky. It was a simple kiss. One minute they were apart and the next Alex was pressing gently against Olivia's lips with hers. It was tentative and delicate. In the single beat of her heart, the kiss transformed from a gentle, tender kiss to a more forceful, urgent, and fervent kiss. It was as if Olivia knew everything about Alex...every minute detail. Olivia seemed to know what she liked and didn't like. And for the first time, it was apparent that the need was not just one sided. Alex delicately teased Olivia's lower lip, nibbling just along the edge, while her tongue began requesting entrance into her mouth. After just a bit, Olivia's mouth opened, giving Alex access to what she had dreamt of since the day she met Olivia. Olivia let out a moan as Alex's tongue brushed across Olivia's like soft velvet. For once in her life, Olivia did not try to dominate the kiss, but instead just let herself enjoy. She didn't care if she was alive or not. Kissing Alex like this made her feel alive._

_Alex, lost in the intensity of her feelings began to grab at the fabric of Olivia's shirt as she trailed her hands up into Olivia's soft brown hair at the base of her neck. Olivia's arms seemed to act of their own accord as she pulled Alex closer, with her hands around Alex's bony hips. Alex was so close that Olivia could feel Alex's warm solid stomach against her own. Olivia's heart jerked in her chest as she tripped over something and fell backwards. With a soft groan, Olivia hit the hard deck of the boat, her ears ringing._

_"Liv," Alex pulled back, and looked into Olivia's eyes. "You okay?"_

_"I'm fine," Olivia breathed huskily as she pulled Alex closer. Alex rolled over slightly so that her body was pinning Olivia to the damp deck flooring, her legs and arms tangled in a big mess with Olivia's._

_Alex moved his hands slowly up from where they clasped Olivia's waist and lower back and brought them up to rest on Olivia's bobbing chest. For a moment, Alex could feel Olivia's thundering heartbeat, and she let herself memorize how it sounded. as well. Alex smiled, before leaning down and stealing another kiss from Olivia. She moved her hands to the side of Olivia's face, framing it as she pushed her tongue into Olivia's mouth again. Alex's own heart was beating frantically as she pushed her hands backwards into Olivia's short hair, her nails grazing Olivia's scalp. Alex delved her tongue deep into Olivia's mouth, exploring all of her most intimate contours as she did so. Neither one of them had never experienced such raw desire or need before, feeling it shoot straight through almost as if a chill on a cool evening. A shiver was working it's way down their spine. Olivia was more than successful in igniting Alex's need for her. As their mouths clashed against one another, over and over again. Olivia felt a heat begin to build in the pit of her stomach as she moved against Alex again, hearing her give a needy groan in the depths of her throat. Finally, after holding back for so long, Olivia fought back, wanting Alex to feel everything that she was feeling. Her hips bucked up, knocking against Alex, and the blonde gasped at the desire in Olivia's eyes. Alex was unprepared as Olivia's tongue lashed out and pushed the blonde's tongue from out of Olivia's mouth. The strong muscle now invaded Alex's mouth. Her tongue continued to duel with Alex's, exploring the textures of the blonde's warm, hot mouth. Alex felt like she was catching on fire. The danger that both of them might lose control was far too palpable. As more seconds dragged on, a heat began to spread from her core to her extremities, warming everything along the way even in the cold rain pouring down on them. The slow crackle of a fire became so much more…now a raging inferno, a burning only barely tolerable to both of them. When Alex moaned again, and began to go for Olivia's belt, she realized that she was only a few seconds from losing all control, and she regretfully yanked her lips from Olivia's. She pulled her warm body away from her love and shot up into a sitting position as Olivia propped herself up on her elbows. Wiping away at the droplets trailing down her face, Alex watched in absolute amazement as Olivia's chest bobbed up and down in a desperate attempt to return the oxygen to her lungs that he had stolen from her._

"_Sorry…" Alex breathed in spurts, her heart pounding away in her chest. "I think I got a little carried away…" Olivia reached up in a daze to touch her swollen lips. What the hell had just happened? Things like this just didn't happen. Alex was always guarded. The blonde never let herself want anything._

"_Don't be…" Olivia returned, "Sorry…I mean. It was good…a good kiss."_

"_Only good?" Alex's eyebrows shot up in a smug look, "Cause I might go for something along the lines of earth shattering, painfully good, or amazing."_

"_Okay it was a spectacular kiss," Olivia giggled as she began to make her way off of the now damp surface. She looked away for a moment, suddenly becoming serious. __"Alex?" Olivia's expression was fearful._

"_What is it sweetie?" Alex asked with concern as she laid a hand on Olivia's shoulder._

"_This is real, isn't it?" Olivia breathed as she turned around, "I mean I'm not imagining all of this?"_

"_I'm sorry sweetie," Alex said sadly, "But no. It's not real. I'm only in your head."_

_Olivia visibly winced, berating herself for thinking it was real. She felt helpless. Alex noticed this sudden vulnerability._

"_Sorry," Alex looked sheepish, "I shouldn't have said anything…"_

"_No," Olivia looked the weary one now, "I'm sorry. I should have known. Of course it's not real. You've never wanted me." Alex stopped Olivia's murmuring, and knelt down, crushing her lips against the brunette's. Olivia moaned into her mouth, but tried to pull away. Alex wouldn't let her. She grabbed Olivia's hand and guided it to the appropriate place over her heart. She kissed Olivia for a moment longer, before ending the kiss. In a breathless whisper she spoke, "You feel that?" Alex asked nervously, "That's for you, Liv. You make my heart run wild. You make me desperate with wanting. _This_ is what is real. You know I love you. You know it. And that's enough. You have to go back, Olivia. You can't stay here with me forever because if you do, you will destroy what _is_ real."_

* * *

"_Alex," Olivia whispered, clamping her eyes shut._

_When she opened them, she was out in the cold, a shiver ran up her spine. She gasped for air. She was on the ground, and she vaguely remembered hearing the squealing of tires as an SUV sped off into the night. Slowly she pushed herself to her knees, fearing that she was in danger. She watched as Elliot sprinted out into the street after it. He was chasing it. Olivia could hear her heartbeat thundering in her ears as she slowly turned around. It was as if she already knew what she would find as she turned around, but she still couldn't prepare herself for the moment. Olivia looked up, and her heart stopped. Alex was lying on the sidewalk on her back, staring up at the New York City sky._

"_Alex," Olivia breathed as she rushed over to Alex. "No…no..no…no..no." In a beat, Olivia crawled over to the woman she loved and screamed as she realized that Alex was bleeding, "Somebody, Call an ambulance! Call 911 now!"_

_Alex stared back at her through unseeing eyes as if she were already fading away from this life. Olivia tried to keep her voice from shaking as she tried to comfort the younger woman that she loved with all her heart. But this time, her emotions betrayed her. With her eyes she tried to convey her love for Alex. She tried to give the woman something to hold on to._

"_Alex," Olivia spoke her name, letting her voice drop to something less full of the panic she felt, "It's okay, Alex." Olivia forced her hands over the wound, vainly trying to keep the blood from gushing out of the woman she loved as it too drained Alex's life from her. It was all in vain, Olivia knew, but she had to try. "Alex, look at me. Sweetie, stay with me. Stay with me Alex." Olivia barely heard Elliot running back over. She continued to whisper to Alex, more for herself than for the blonde, trying to hang on to life for the both of them. It killed her to watch the vibrancy slip away from her eyes, until they became empty, haunting. Olivia let out a scream, as the EMT's got to the scene and began to try and resuscitate Alex._

_Olivia closed her eyes waiting for it to be over._

* * *

'_Oh god," Olivia begged, "Let it be over. Let it be done. No more. Please no more." Olivia's eyes snapped open to find Alex standing over her, looking down. The blue sky behind Alex's head, accentuated her eyes. Olivia could do nothing but stare. She had no recollection of where she was, and had no intention of moving._

"_Olivia?" Alex's eyes showed the blonde's concern as she knelt down over Olivia._

"_Alex," Olivia whispered in dulcet tones, her voice still heavy with grief, "You're okay."_

"_Yeah," Alex nodded in agreement as she reached for Olivia's hands. Ever so slowly she helped Olivia up into a standing position, fearing that the brunette would lose consciousness again, "But it's not me I'm worried about!... You're freezing. Come on, I'll find you some dry clothes." Olivia followed, never once daring to let go of Alex's hand. The memory of that night, the realness of it had struck her in a way she wasn't prepared for._

"_Hmm…" Olivia joked as Alex led her below, trying to alleviate some of her own jitters, "So it's the first date and already you're trying to get me out of my clothes…?"_

"_Can you blame me?" Alex replied cheekily as she pulled out a tee shirt 3 sizes too big for her. "Crap…" Alex chuckled as she held up the shirt. "I think this is going to be a little big on you. I though I had a shirt or two in here, but I guess I was wrong."_

"_Well…" Olivia giggled, "It should do just fine."_

"_So…" Olivia continued, "You get to get me out of my clothes…what about you? Do I get to see any action?"_

"_I don't know," Alex smiled, "I do take requests though…"_

"_You're so full of yourself," Olivia said playfully as she snatched the shirt away from Alex's hand with a small 'thanks.'_

"_I know," Alex agreed, "But you like me for it…" Her voice trailed off in shock as Olivia pulled her top over her head in one fell swoop, exposing her bare midriff. Alex forced herself to look away for a moment or two as she replaced it with the dry one._

"_Okay…" Olivia announced, "I'm done…" Alex turned back around and immediately found herself bursting out into laughter._

"_What?" Olivia asked as a look of confusion took up residence on her delicate face._

"_Nothing…" Alex managed to squeak out, "It's just that…you could go swimming in that shirt. It's cute really!"_

"_Aww…" Olivia replied in a teasing manner as she reached up to brush the Alex's flushed cheeks, "Well I think you're cute too!" Olivia felt a jolt and an obscene amount of pain in her chest for the second time. Alex reached for Olivia's hand, to keep the brunette in place, but her hand grasped nothing. Olivia was gone._

* * *

_Alex let out a painful sigh, she knew that Olivia had to leave her to go back to the real Alex but it didn't make it any less painful. Alex sat down for a long moment, drawing slow breaths. Slowly she walked back out onto the deck and resumed her sailing practices, hoping that Olivia would eventually come back. After a while, she got her wish. The brunette appeared before her eyes._

* * *

"_You know?" Alex teased softly, "Part of learning how to sail involves making sure to look at your surroundings. You wouldn't want to crash into something." Olivia let out a hoarse laugh as she opened her eyes and gazed out into the vast amount of blue in front of them. She had never seen the Atlantic Ocean in all of its glory like this. The way that it was so calm and serene, somehow made Olivia feel at ease. She loved being care free, and wanted to stay out there in the blue forever._

"_And why is that?" Olivia teased back, "There's nothing to run into out here, is there?" Alex chuckled as she brushed back her long blonde hair._

"_Hmm… You make an excellent point there, Captain," Alex contemplated this for a moment before she confirmed this by looking around. She took a quick look down at the compass. "Why don't you make a slight turn to the starboard side?" she whispered softly. Olivia took a fraction of a second to think about it before cranking the wheel softly to the right. "Very good," Alex approved as she planted a soft kiss to Olivia's neck, which caused a shiver to shoot straight down the brunette's spine. Olivia turned around to look at him with a raised brow._

"_And just what do you think that you're doing?" Olivia pretended to reprimand Alex._

"_Oh nothing," she smiled, "Just admiring the scenery."_

"_The scenery huh?" Olivia smiled, "Well, if you're worried I'm going to crash into something, you might not want to distract me…" Alex laughed._

"_But you just said it yourself," she debated, "There's nothing out here to distract you from, save for me."_

"_Mmm," Olivia kissed Alex softly, feeling the warmth of the blonde's lips on hers. "I love it out here," Olivia finally confessed, "It's so beautiful…" She took a long moment to peer into Alex's bright blue eyes, which she still felt were more beautiful than the sea itself._

"_It is," Alex confirmed as she pulled Olivia closer. She bent forwards and placed another kiss on Olivia's cheek. Olivia laughed before turning back around to pay attention to the position of the wheel. She felt her breath quicken as Alex stepped up closely. She could feel the heat radiating between them._

"_I won't hesitate no more no more," Alex began to sing softly in her ear, "It cannot wait, I'm sure. There is no need to complicate. Our time is short. This is our fate, I'm yours." Olivia felt herself melt as Alex gently serenaded her. She could feel the woman's breath on her neck as she buried her face into her hair._

"_I don't ever want to go back," Olivia whispered aloud, causing Alex to pull away. Olivia grabbed Alex's wrist quickly, holding the blonde's gaze. She suddenly felt as if she had said something wrong. "What is it? What did I say?"_

"_Liv," Alex sighed, "You do realize that you have to go back? That you can't stay here?"_

"_Why not?" Olivia asked as she swallowed over the lump in her throat. "I don't have anything to go back to. The only thing I've ever wanted is you."_

"_Liv," Alex breathed, "This is a dream. It's not real."_

"_But it is," Olivia argued. "Alex, what the hell are you talking about?"_

"_Just look at yourself, Liv," Alex asked, "Look around you." Olivia blinked and did as she was told. She looked herself over, her arms and legs. Then she began to focus on her surroundings. She could see the horizon begin to shimmer ever so slightly. Her surroundings became distorted the more she looked. She began to feel her heart pound in her chest. She whirled around in a one-eighty. Alex was gone._

"_Alex!" Olivia screamed at the top of her lungs. It was then she heard the splash. Her head whipped over to where Alex had been a second before._

"_Oh no!" Olivia breathed as she secured the wheel and ran over to the port side. "Alex!" she screamed as she looked down into the water, to find it still rippling softly from where he had fallen in. "Alex!" Olivia screamed once more as she stripped off her jacket and dove into the water. It was icy cold. She swam further and further down as her eyes frantically searched for her, but she couldn't see anything but the black spanning out before her. Soon the darkness was suffocating. Her hands groped for Alex, but never found anything at all. She closed her eyes._

* * *

(And finally, back to reality...)

"Olivia!" a soft, warm voice spoke as she felt herself pulled from the water. She flickered open her eyes but she could only see darkness. Slowly, light came back into her vision, and colors began to swirl above her eyes. She struggled to make sense of the colors, and to make sense of where she was. She closed her eyes again. Something was blocking her throat, and causing her to gag. Her body fought the obstruction but it remained. She started to plea for help. And her eyes opened again, this time to a better focus. What she saw was two pools of blue looking down on her, blue as the sky or the ocean. They were twinkling. The yellow she saw next. Alex's hair reflected the light from the room, making her look like some sort of angel. Olivia saw pink lips move but heard no sound. Olivia willed herself to understand to process what was happening. Where was she? Why did she hurt so much? Her brain felt incapable of distinguishing anything. Olivia swallowed, the obstruction in her throat was painful. She wanted to speak, and to ask what had happened. Finally, she understood the soft voice as Alex addressed her for the dozenth time.

"Baby, Liv, can you hear me?" Alex asked. Olivia could do nothing but moan, choking over the obstruction in her throat.

"It's me, Liv," Alex soothed, "It's alright." Olivia choked on the air that continued to stream into her lungs. "Liv, I need you to listen to me. You have a breathing tube. I know it's uncomfortable, but try not to fight it." Olivia let out another moan, her eyelids fluttering. Another feeling took over Olivia. She was tired…so damn tired. And she hurt everywhere. It was hard to think.

"Squeeze my hand if you can hear me," Alex spoke softly. "Come on, Liv." Olivia opened her eyes again as she realized she recognized the voice once again. She could hardly make sense of it. Her thoughts were lagging so slowly.

"Baby," Alex whispered as she brushed the good side of Olivia's forehead. Olivia let out a moan and to accentuate the comfort that the contact gave her, she squeezed Alex's hand.

"Alex?" A voice sounded from the doorway. Causing Alex to look away from a moment.

"She's awake," Alex spoke excitedly.

"I'll go get the doctor," Elliot breathed quickly, rushing back out of the room. Olivia's eyes started to drift closed. Olivia's blinks gradually lasted longer and longer, causing Alex to cling to Olivia.

"No, honey," Alex spoke warmly, "Don't go. Please. Not yet." Olivia struggled for consciousness, not wanting to leave either. "Liv, I love you so much. Please signal that you can understand me." Olivia could do nothing but squeeze Alex's hand. Alex tried not to cry, as she felt Olivia's strength slip away.

"Stay with me," Alex chanted over and over again in an echo of that night so long ago. She understood what it was like now, trying to cling to anything, trying to cling to life, and knew that Olivia couldn't hold onto consciousness forever. Alex placed a chaste kiss on Olivia's good cheek. "I love you," she whispered. The doctor practically ran in with Elliot at his heels. She stepped away as the doctor confirmed, what she was afraid that she had imagined.

"Olivia," the man spoke as he checked her over as quickly as possible, "I'm Dr. Avery. Can you squeeze my hand for me." Alex watched as she squeezed his hand. He too was impressed with her strength. "That's good." He smiled. "Very good." Within the span of a minute, Olivia was unconscious again. He began checking machines.

"Well, I think that we can pull the breathing tube," he replied. "Her oxygen levels seem to be sufficient enough. And she's certainly strong enough to breath on her own."

"Wha…You want to pull it out?" Alex choked. "Are you sure she's ready for that?"

"Her pulse-oxygen is high enough," he replied, "She'll still be on oxygen, but hopefully, more comfortable."

Alex and Elliot watched as he carefully, with the help of a nurse, pulled out the breathing tube. She visibly winced as Olivia gagged and coughed as they pulled it out, her chest rising and falling unevenly as she was left to breath on her own for a moment. Luckily, the doctor wasted no time before he placed Olivia on another form of oxygen that she breathed through a tube under her nose.

"She didn't seem to be in too much pain," he replied, "But I'm going to keep the doses on the higher end of the spectrum. Alex flinched as the nurse pulled back the covers of Olivia's bed, exposing Olivia's legs. Alex wanted to look away as the doctor lifted up Olivia's gown, exposing the sea of purple and blue that marred Olivia's strong thighs, but she couldn't. She felt Elliot's hand in hers as he too was made uncomfortable. He swore as he realized just how far the bruises spanned, well up Olivia's torso.

"All that from a shattered pelvis?" Alex asked quietly.

"Afraid so," the doctor replied, placing the covers back down, "She's got a long road ahead of her. It's just going to take a substantial amount of time to heal. With rehab and time she'll walk again. The pain will be difficult to endure, however."

"Christ," Alex whispered, as Olivia let out another moan as the doctor pulled back the bandage over the incision in Olivia's abdomen. This time she forced herself to look away. Tears began to seep from her eyes, and Elliot pulled her into his arms, wrapping them around her shoulders.

"I promise we'll keep her comfortable. She won't suffer," the doctor reassured them, "The incisions look good. I'll let her rest for a while. Let me know if she wakes up again." Alex nodded. She stood there for another moment, before pulling away. Alex and Elliot settled back into their chairs as the Doctor finished, and departed, along with a quick, "I'll be back soon to check on her."

"Thank you," Alex replied. She closed her eyes and let her head fall into her hands. She tried not to think about what lie ahead, even though she knew that it was vital. She silently wondered how many days Olivia would be there. And knew that Olivia would hate every moment of every day that she was here. But Alex had to remind herself that Olivia was alive. She felt incredibly blessed to see Olivia's eyes, to see the brown eyes that conveyed so much with a single glance. Alex decided that it was enough. It just had to be enough.

* * *

_**A/N: So i gave you some moments with Olivia and Alex, and even though "technically" they weren't real, i thought you'd enjoy it. Hopefully it wasn't too confusing. I put some breaks in the dream for times when Olivia was pulled briefly to consciousness or when her heart was restarted. Please read and review! I'd like to know what you think. I hope to have the next update up soon.**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**A/N: So here is the latest update! I'm sorry it took me longer than I intended, but I had a really hard time trying to make it as satisfying as I wanted it to be. Hopefully, you guys like it. I will try to have another update up soon! Thanks so much for your patience, and for all of the reviews! I can't possibly express just how much they mean to me.**_

**Title: Gifts and Curses**

**Fandom: **L&O: SVU

**Pairing:** Alex/Olivia

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the SVU universe. Any writing is done purely for recreational purposes. No ill harm is intended.

* * *

The next awareness Olivia had of consciousness was only slightly better than the time before. Her mind was still on cloud nine. Her throat was dry and sore. It felt like a piece of sandpaper and it hurt every time she swallowed. She could smell the plastic of the tubing beneath her nose every time that she took a deep wheezing breath. She winced, feeling the painful stretch of her lungs against her ribcage. She could only guess at the damage she had sustained. She felt dizzy as she opened her eyes, and even more disoriented as her eyes opened to the dim ceiling. Her vision was still blurry and her stomach clenched painfully as she realized the extent of her nausea. She tried to move, but the second she engaged the muscles in the lower half of her body, the pain made her regret it immediately. She couldn't suppress the moan that squeezed past her lips. Olivia tried to move her arm, but froze as she realized that it was trapped beneath something heavy. She could vaguely feel the sensation of Alex's soft blonde hair. Before she could revel in the feelings she was having about Alex, the pain reminded her that something was wrong.

"Ugh," Olivia groaned, the sound choking in her dry throat. She realized she couldn't speak. Olivia fought the pain, but she cried out as the throbbing in her body won out.

"Liv," Elliot jumped up from his chair on the other side of the bed. Olivia's eyes flickered open again, disoriented by the new sound. Elliot grasped immediately for Olivia's hand, and Olivia turned towards him. Her mouth tried to form the words, tried to say his name but nothing came out.

"Welcome back," he whispered, and Olivia had a noncommittal sound in her throat. "How are you feeling, partner?"

"Water," Olivia choked out, her voice rough and pleading.

"I'll be right back," Elliot declared as he nearly bolted from the room at a sprint. Tears began to slip down her cheeks in a silent stream as she was left alone. Her body started to shake gently with the tears, but she fought that too. Olivia closed her eyes, deciding that she might rather be dead. The pain was all consuming. It seemed to steal every thought away from her, and she just wanted it to be over. Another sob broke through her throat, in a raw guttural sound.

Alex's first awareness of consciousness was clouded, but her ability to react was much more substantial than Olivia's. She lifted her head and her heart clenched painfully upon seeing Olivia's quivering body. "Oh, Liv," Alex's voice was soft as she quickly perched herself on the side of the bed and caressed Olivia's cheek. Olivia's eyes opened to meet blue. She choked on another sob and saw blue eyes soften. "Liv, baby what's wrong?" Alex asked.

"It hurts," Olivia whispered. Through the gravel in Olivia's voice, Alex could hardly understand Olivia. Alex quickly hit the nurse's button. And a voice came over the intercom. Alex requested a doctor come because Olivia was awake.

"I know, sweetie," Alex soothed, leaning forwards to kiss Olivia's forehead. "Just hang in there. The doctor is coming." Elliot rushed back inside, holding a plastic cup full of water. He handed it off to Alex who carefully lifted the glass to Olivia's lips. Olivia looked at the water like someone would if they were in the middle of the desert.

"I talked to the nurse," Elliot spoke, "She said that Olivia can only have a couple sips. She's not supposed to have anything by mouth yet because of the surgeries she has had. Alex felt a pang of guilt as a small stream of water made its way past Olivia's dry chapped lips. Olivia swallowed, wincing as the water made its way over the dryness in her throat. Olivia's eyes seemed to widen a little bit as the water ran slowly over her tongue. Olivia made a sound of protest as Alex pulled the cup away from her lips.

"Please," Olivia begged, her thirst far from quenched. Alex brushed her hand over Olivia's cheek.

"I'm sorry, Liv," Alex said softly, "But you can't have any more until the doctor says you can."

"What happened?" Olivia blinked, feeling a wave of dizziness take over her. She shook her head lightly, but this only made her feel worse. The headache was too much. She closed her eyes, but opened them when she felt Alex squeeze her hand. When she opened her eyes, she opened them to find Alex's eyes full of concern and worry. Olivia also, much to her own dislike, saw pity in them as well.

"You don't remember?" Alex's inflection also was indicative of her concern.

"No," Olivia choked out, "I…I'm sorry, but I can't." Alex looked at the expression of fear and panic on Olivia's features. She looked as Olivia looked over to Elliot.

"Liv," he said softly, "It's okay. Just try and relax. Everything is okay now. You're safe."

"You're not hurt?" Olivia asked noting the scraps on Elliot's hands and palms.

"No. I'm fine," Elliot replied painfully. He still felt incredibly guilty.

"Liv," Alex breathed, "What's the last thing you remember?"

"I…" tears made their way down Olivia's cheeks, "I don't know. I…everything is just so fuzzy. I can remember going to work, but I can't remember anything after."

"Shh," Alex squeezed Olivia's hand, "It's okay." Alex's voice quavered as she spoke again. "Liv, you were in an accident."

"What kind of accident?" Olivia asked.

"You were out with Elliot trying to arrest Mr. Rodriguez," Alex swallowed. "He umm…he hit you with a car. He was going pretty fast, and you hit your head…really hard during the accident." Olivia just stared at Alex in disbelief, almost as if she didn't believe her.

"How long have I been asleep?" Olivia asked, "What day is it?"

"Saturday," Alex answered, "You've been out for about four days since the accident." Alex's voice broke as she spoke the next bit. "They umm…they weren't sure that you were going to wake up for a while."

"Alex?" Olivia whispered softly.

"Yeah?" Alex replied, wiping tears from under her eyes.

"Why are you crying?" Olivia asked, not sure why she had affected the blonde in such a way.

"I…" Alex choked on her words, and looked to Elliot helplessly, "I'm sorry, I just need a minute." Alex rushed from the room as Olivia called out after her. Olivia felt the loss immediately, wondering why Alex felt so strongly. Elliot felt a pang of sympathy as Alex fled the room. He knew what the problem was. The face is, that Olivia didn't know how Alex really felt. And although he sympathized, Elliot felt it was unfair of Alex to react so strongly. Olivia was disoriented and afraid. She didn't remember what had happened, and didn't know how to read Alex's feelings openly.

"Liv," Elliot sighed, sitting down. "Alex has taken things very hard. We all have. We've been extremely worried about you."

"That bad?" Olivia swallowed, realizing for the first time, through Elliot's gaze, that she had gotten a lot closer to death than she ever wanted to get.

"Yeah," Elliot nodded, his own eyes burning. "It's been a rough few days."

"I didn't mean to make her cry," Olivia said painfully, her eyes blinking rapidly. She felt her chest clench painful as she though of Alex. The last thing she ever wanted to do was cause Alex pain.

"She cares about you. Liv," Elliot said quietly as he squeezed her hand. "I know that right now you're confused, and in unbelievable amounts of pain, but it's important you know that." He sighed, "Just give her a minute to battle her own demons and she'll be back." Olivia nodded. And sure enough, Alex came back in a few minutes later, far more composed.

"Alex," Olivia spoke as she held Alex's blue eyes, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

"It's not your fault, Liv," Alex replied, drawing close to the brunette, "It's just been a hell of week." Olivia swallowed as Alex took her hand in hers, threading their fingers together. Slowly, almost painfully, Alex leaned in to kiss her on the cheek.

"I love you," Olivia whispered in her ear as Alex's lips brushed the sensitized flesh. Alex closed her eyes, trying to memorize the sound of Olivia's voice, the inflection, as she spoke those three words. It melted her heart.

"I do too," Alex said honestly as she pulled back. Olivia's eyes went somewhat wide at the admission.

"Alex," Olivia choked out, "You don't have to say it back."

"I know that," Alex said in a low alto voice, "I wanted to say it, Liv." Alex paused, squeezing Olivia's hand, "The truth is, I've been trying to figure out how I was going to tell you without blindsiding you."

Tears brimmed in Alex's eyes, and it broke Olivia's heart.

"I'm so sorry that it took me so long," Alex apologized. "I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you." Olivia tried to speak, but her voice was still hoarse and scratchy.

"Can I have some more water?" Olivia's chocolate brown eyes twinkled as she looked at Alex. Alex swallowed in surprise. Was this what it was going to be like?" She heard about short-term memory loss as the result of brain injury. She was just relieved that Olivia remembered her.

"Liv, I told you," Alex said very slowly, carefully, "I don't think you can have any more water until the doctor okay's it first."

"Speaking of which," a voice spoke from the hallway, accompanied by a knock at the door. "I'm here."

"Drew," Alex whirled around as Drew stepped into the room, looking apprehensive. Olivia's chart was clutched tightly in his hand.

"Hey," Drew said quietly as he walked slowly over to the bedside. Alex stepped back, allowing him a clear path to Olivia's bedside. Olivia looked disoriented, but Drew did a quick job of calming her.

"Ms. Benson?" his voice was warm and soft as he spoke. He knew how much Alex cared for her, and therefore, he knew how special Olivia must be. "Hi. My name is Andrew Cabot. I'm going to be your primary care physician."

"Cabot?" Olivia murmured confusedly, looking back and forth between Alex and Andrew. Her eyes confirmed the connection when she found his hospital ID and the name sewn onto a lab coat.

"She's a sharp one," Drew joked looking back to Alex with a glint in his eyes. He quickly turned back to Olivia, offering her his hand. "I'm Alex's brother. You probably haven't heard about me, but if I can say so, Alex has spoken of you many times before."

"All good I hope?" Olivia smiled as she gave his hand a weak handshake. She flinched and closed her eyes as the movement sent a wave of pain shooting through her midsection.

"Of course," Drew replied with another award winning smile. Though his confidence shook when Alex looked at him with concern in her eyes. She looked back and forth between the two men in the room, knowing that introductions needed to be made.

"Drew, this is Elliot Stabler," Alex spoke as she indicated the tall muscular detective, "He's a detective with SVU and Olivia's Partner." He turned to Elliot quickly and shook hands.

"It's nice to meet you," Drew said sincerely, "I've heard a lot about you as well. Alex seems to think most highly of you."

"Really?" Elliot spoke in surprise, looking to Alex. Naturally, Alex kept her eyes away from his. Her attention was already back onto Olivia.

"Olivia," He began. "I'm going to do a quick assessment to make sure you're getting along okay," Drew spoke as he started the blood pressure monitor. With a tight squeeze Olivia felt the constriction on her arm. Drew listened to her breathing and heartbeat as he waited for a reading. The numbers came back high and Drew furrowed his brow.

"Are you in a lot of pain, Olivia?" he asked concernedly. Alex knew there was trouble when she saw Olivia grit her jaw.

"I'm all right," Olivia gritted out.

"Liv," Alex's voice was soft, yet reprimanding, "You need to be honest. Drew can't help you if you aren't completely honest with him."

"Can…" Olivia paused as she felt guilt, for some reason she felt that for her to bear the pain was one thing, but for Elliot and Alex to bear it with her was another. She didn't want them to know how bad it was. She already saw how they looked at her in pity and she hated that more than anything, "Can I talk to you alone?" she asked Drew. Drew looked to Alex, whose expression showed her reluctance. He knew that she didn't want to leave under any circumstances, but also knew that Olivia had doctor patient privilege. And even though he already knew what Olivia would finally say when Elliot and Alex left the room, he nodded. He felt Alex's eyes glare into him.

"We'll be just outside," Alex commented as she relented and followed Elliot out, shutting the door behind her. No sooner had the door closed, then tears started to make their way in tracks down her jaw.

"Olivia," Drew swallowed, as Olivia broke down. She tried so hard to keep it all in, but she couldn't.

"Yes," she finally breathed through erratic breath, "It hurts." She paused. "My head feels like I've been hit with a ton of bricks over and over again. And I can't move my legs without wanting to scream." Olivia ran a hand over her face to brush the tears away with her fingers. "Please tell me that it'll get better."

"It will," Drew replied, feeling for Olivia. He could only imagine what it was like to have your life flipped end over end. The pain of her injuries had to be more than excruciating. Drew knew that it wasn't about how strong you were, but rather, it was about the breaking point. As human beings, there is only so much someone can take. Sure, you can grit your teeth together, and wait for it to pass, but at some point, your emotions win out. He knew that with Olivia's profession the woman had to be strong, the fact that she was crying told him how bad the pain was. For someone like Olivia, he knew the long hospital stay and the restlessness that would come with it were going to be her biggest battle and the thing she hated most. "In the mean time, I'm going to increase your pain medicine a little more."

"No," Olivia replied emphatically, "Please. I already feel like I can hardly keep my eyes open. I don't want to feel a zombie…I just don't want to hurt so much."

"Olivia," Drew sighed, "You have some very serious injuries. You have multiple injuries that do, in fact, cause extreme amounts of pain. I don't want you to be uncomfortable."

"And I don't want to lose more time," Olivia spoke quietly, "I want to be able to remember. I don't want to lose any more days. I know what narcotics do the brain. I don't want to take any more than is absolutely necessary."

"Okay," Drew replied, "I promise that I won't adjust the levels at all. At this point, you're on a steady morphine drip. You may have periods where the pain spikes, but hopefully, they wont last for very long." Olivia nodded.

"Now you think I'm a stubborn mule don't you?" Olivia joked. Drew insisted that he didn't think that at all, but she could see it in his eyes.

"Not at all," he replied again as she tried to weasel the truth out of him. He making notes in his chart, when he finally met her halfway. "Although, I know for a fact that you'd have to be stubborn to hold your own against my sister," he joked, "Alex has a strong head, but you seem to be keeping up with her quite well. Somewhere along the way, you managed to win her heart over as well."

Olivia smiled, seeing the sincerity in his eyes. "Okay," he spoke absentmindedly, "I need to do a quick check of your incisions, and make sure that you're nervous system, both sympathetic and parasympathetic, are working okay."

"Okay," Olivia said tiredly, her eyes drooping. She tried to ignore Drew's gentle touches as he unwrapped the bandage from around her skull. She closed her eyes and kept them closed as he began to check her over. She wondered silently if he ever noticed the way that he made sounds of approval and disapproval in the back of his throat as he worked. It was almost as if he was humming. Olivia felt relief as prodding fingers ceased over the tender parts of her skull, and Drew announced that everything was looking "good."

"So what exactly did they do to my head?" Olivia asked.

"Umm," Drew swallowed, "They had to do a craniotomy to reduce the pressure inside you're skull. During the accident you sustained a hairline skull fracture and you were bleeding into your brain. Dr. Phelps went in there and stopped the bleed. He also drained some excess cerebral spinal fluid."

"Okay," Olivia smiled, "I'm just going to pretend that I understand what you said." Drew just chuckled.

"Do you want to see it?" he asked, knowing the answer already.

"The incision?" Olivia asked. Drew muttered in the affirmative as he carefully cleaned the major incision to his satisfaction. "Are you sure? I mean…it's not super gross, is it?"

"Define gross," Drew joked. "Well, there's stitches and stuff, but it's not too grotesque looking."

"Okay," Olivia replied. "I guess so. Sure, why not?" Drew walked over and grabbed a couple of mirrors. He handed Olivia one of them, and held the other one, through directing her Olivia caught a glance of not only her purple and blue marred features, but of the top of her head. For a minute she just stared at where the incision, cut into her otherwise flawless scalp. Olivia made a face.

"Too much?" Drew asked with concern. He worried that perhaps he had gone too far in trying to bond with Alex's friend.

"No," Olivia swallowed, "It's just that they shaved my head." Olivia stuck out her lip. "I guess, I'm going for the shorn cut again."

"Hey," Drew tried to be optimistic, "No worries. It'll grow back in no time." Olivia nodded.

"Too bad the guys can't see this," Olivia smiled, "They'd be so jealous." She looked at Drew. "We have this thing at the precinct, where we compare battle scars. This would definitely win top prize."

Drew chuckled. "Cops," he muttered in amusement. "If it helps," Drew said, taking the mirror from Olivia's hand and putting it back. "I can testify to what I've seen. Surely, they'll take my word for it."

"Definitely," Olivia confirmed. She watched as Drew pulled off his gloves and put on a new pair before becoming OCD and cleaning the incision one last time before he bandaged her up again.

"We'll need to be vigilant in caring for the incisions," Drew spoke as he finished, "The risk of serious infection in wake of the surgery you've had is very high." Then he paused, "If you start developing chills and fever, let me know right away." Olivia swallowed and nodded. Olivia was silent as Drew loosened her gown and examined the incision and bruising in the skin over where her spleen used to be.

"It's a good thing Alex isn't in here for this," Olivia spoke as he moved down to check her abdominal incision. "She'd have probably fainted by now."

"You should give her more credit," Drew smiled. "She's also got a stomach of steel. She helped me study for my lab practical." He paused, "After all, she did grow up in a family full of doctors." Drew let out a chuckle, making himself an avid conversationalist. "You should have seen the look on Dad's face when she told them she wanted to be a lawyer." Olivia let out a soft laugh, wincing in pain as she did so.

"Oh I would have paid money to see that," Olivia smiled, "Were they upset?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah," Drew smiled. "Luckily, I was the peacemaker. I went to Medical school and Alex went to Law School at Columbia."

Drew carefully, continued checking Olivia over. He tried to make his touches as gentle as possible. Olivia whimpered as he checked her lower half. After he was done he covered her up again and began checking her pupil dilation.

"Olivia," Drew said carefully as he checked her sympathetic nervous system. "Do you know why you're here?"

"Seriously?" Olivia asked with raised eyebrows, even though it her to change facial expressions.

"Yep," Drew nodded knowingly, "I know it's kind of redundant but I need to judge your cognition, memory, and so on."

"Yes," Olivia replied evenly, "I know why I'm here. I was in some sort of accident on duty. Alex told me."

"But you don't remember what happened, yourself?" Drew asked.

"No," Olivia choked out, "Should I?"

"I don't know," he shook his head, "With this sort of brain injury sometimes there is memory loss. It may just take some time to remember, or you may not remember at all."

"How long do I have to be here?" Olivia asked finally. Drew gauged Olivia's emotions, knowing that the detective was not going to like his answer at all.

"At least a month," he replied as he pulled off his gloves and threw them in the trash. Sure enough, Olivia was less than happy about this.

"A month?" Olivia's voice was higher than was typical. "Please tell me you're lying. I hate hospitals. Usually, I try to stay as far away from them as possible. You've got to help me out here. Please."

"Olivia," Andrew spoke softly, tentatively, "After what you've been through. You need extended professional medical care. During the accident, your pelvis was shattered. The pain you feel when you move your legs. It…It isn't going to go away any time soon. You'll be immobile from an extended period. You'll need physical therapy. You'll have no mobility for a while."

"I can't stay here for a month," Olivia's voice was broken, "I have crappy insurance, hardly any money in savings. I'll never be able to afford this."

"Look," Drew said with a squeeze of Olivia's hand, "How about we take things one day at a time?" He smiled encouragingly, "I can promise you one thing. Things will get better. You will get out of here. And I will do everything in my power to make sure that it happens as quickly as possible." Then he added, while he held his gaze, "But I'm not going to push you. And I don't want you gunning for it because it'll only set you back in the long run." Olivia tried to process everything he was saying, "You think you're the first cop I've had under my care? Believe me, I'm on to you. I know that you're determined and stubborn and probably one of the strongest people I've met. But you have to take things slow, okay Olivia?" Olivia merely nodded. They both looked up as a knock sounded at the door. Alex opened it hesitantly.

"Is everything all right in here?" she asked timidly.

"Yeah," Olivia replied, "You can come in now." Alex nodded gratefully and left the doorway, slipping into the room. Olivia was looking at Drew, trying to think of what questions to ask.

"When do I get to start physical therapy?" Olivia inquired.

"In a couple of weeks," Drew replied, "We need to give your pelvis some time to heal before we start moving it." Alex and Olivia watched as he drew out a pair of x-ray films, and put them into position on the reader, before flicking the switch. Olivia winced as if her pelvis had been broken all over again. Alex looked sick.

"As you can see," Drew commented, indicating the first film, "This was the state of your pelvis before reconstructive surgery."

"Are those fragments of bone?" Olivia swallowed. "The white blotches in the abdominal cavity?"

"Afraid so," his eyes watched both women and their reactions carefully, "Luckily, our orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Singer, was able to remove all of the bone fragments that resulted from the fracture of the Illium. He also put in several screws to properly hold the Ischium in place. That's why there's so much bruising on the right side of your pelvis." He let out a sigh.

"Has there been any major damage to major organs?"

"I have to be honest with you, Olivia," Drew replied, "You lost your spleen due to excessive bleeding. You also sustained some damage to your right kidney and bladder. And you may have some problems relating to it in the future."

"But I'm going to be okay?" Olivia asked, carefully trying to contain her emotions.

"Yes," Drew nodded. "You'll be fine."

"Okay," Olivia nodded.

"Well," Drew cleared his throat, "Is there anything else that you need?"

"Umm," Olivia swallowed, "Can I have something to drink? I'm practically dying of thirst."

"I want to hold off on drinking for now," Drew replied, "But I'm willing to concede and let you suck on some ice chips if you'd like."

"That would be amazing," Olivia replied gratefully, "You're my new hero."

"It's no problem, Olivia," Drew assured her. "I'll have the nurse bring some in. I've got to run, but I'll be back soon to check on you. In the meantime, I'll give you and Alex some time alone."

"Uh Drew," Alex said as she grabbed his hand. "Thank you."

"It's no problem," he said as he pulled her into a hug. "You know I love you, right?"

"Of course," Alex replied as she let him hold her for a moment.

"Try and give her the benefit of the doubt," he whispered in her ear. "She's probably going to feel weary and discouraged, but she's doing fine. I'll be back later to check on her." Then he added, "You should get some sleep, Lex. You look exhausted."

"I am," Alex replied as she pulled away.

"I'll ask one of the nurses to bring in a cot," he said.

"Thanks Dr. Cabot," Olivia said gratefully.

"Please, Liv," he said with a smile, "Call me Drew." With that he departed, leaving the two alone.

* * *

**_Please Read and Review!_**


	6. Chapter 6

**_Title: Gifts and Curses_**

**_Chapter: Progression_**

**_Fandom: L&O: SVU_**

**_Pairing: Alex/Olivia_**

**_Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the SVU universe. Any writing is done purely for recreational purposes. No ill harm is intended._**

* * *

"Isn't that cheating?" Alex spoke in an amused inflection as she stepped into Olivia's room a week later. Olivia's eyes briefly darted up from the page in front of her to Alex's bemused expression before she concentrated on continuing the "gripping" story. Olivia cleared her throat and willed her eyes back to the black and white words in front of her. She was determined not to pay the blonde too much attention. Unfortunately, Olivia had a rather short attention span, and so her concentration betrayed her. Her eyes wandered upwards back to the doorway. Olivia swallowed as her eyes greedily took in Alex's appearance. Alex hadn't straightened her hair today, which left her hair falling in wave over her shoulders. She wore a lavender sweater and jeans, that accentuated her figure immaculately. Olivia took note of the long trench coat that hung over Alex's shoulders, and could only assume that it was quite cold out that day. It looked as if Alex had perfected the art of leaning as she propped herself against the door frame. Her head was inclined to one side as she studied Olivia. The blonde's eyes spoke of fliration, and her body of patience. It was easy to see that Alex was in a playful mood. Olivia found it so beautiful that she wanted to play along.

"How so?" Olivia asked innocently, as she flipped another page. Alex sauntered over to Olivia's bedside, her arms crossed over her chest. She plopped down into the chair and immediately shifted to make herself more comfortable.

"A Mystery novel, Liv?" Alex's lips twitched as she continued. It was almost as if she were fighting a smile, "Come on. You're a detective. You probably have the whole book figured out after the first two chapters." Then she added, "Besides, don't you see enough perversion on a daily basis? You really need to read about it too?" Olivia snapped the book shut and set it down, her eyes twinkling.

"First of all, I'm an SVU detective, not a murder investigator," Olivia corrected.

"But you do work homicides involving SVU cases." Alex argued.

"Okay," Olivia said in a serious voice, "You're right." Olivia pouted slightly. "Look, I get that the absolute last thing that I should be doing at the end of the day is reading about what I do. Frankly, I see enough perversion on a daily basis to drive me insane. However, reading books like this allows me to practice my reasoning and my methods of investigating criminals." Alex looked slightly surprised with the response. "I also find that it's a good way to get inside the head of a criminal. I mean…I spend day in and day out trying to figure out what makes people do the things they do." Olivia spoke pensively, "I want to know what is it that makes one person a rapist or a killer."

"I never would have predicted that fictional stories could offer so much insight," Alex said.

"Well," Olivia cleared her throat. "They may be fiction, but they're based in fact. Crime scene analysis, M.E. reports, detectives, witnesses. It's all there. And writer's like this guy?" Olivia paused to hold up the book. "Are very talented in portraying the macabre."

"True," Alex conceded.

"So you have it figured out yet?" Alex asked as she picked the book out of Olivia's hand and began flipping through it.

"Not yet," Olivia replied. "Good authors typically hold off on evidence for the very reason of keeping the reader interested." Olivia stared at Alex for a long moment, watching Alex's fingers run softly over the pages. "If I had to guess right now, I'd say it was Parker Grant. He's the only one who really had motive." Alex looked up from the book. It was then that she noticed the place where Alex was in the book. Alex, looking slightly impressed, closed the novel and handed it back to Olivia.

"Well, I guess I'm done reading," Olivia said quietly.

"Sorry, Liv," Alex sheepishly muttered.

"It's fine," Olivia offered in a reassuring smile. "Reading that small print was giving me a headache anyways." Olivia let out an involuntary yawn, her eyes drooping.

"You want me to read to something else to you until you can fall asleep?" Alex offered, picking up a poetry book.

"No thanks," Olivia replied, reaching out for Alex's hand and giving it a squeeze.

"Is there anything else that I can do?" Alex asked hopefully, her eyes soft.

"Hold me until I fall asleep?" the inflections in Olivia's voice made it clear that it was a question. Alex swallowed. She made a point to glance over the small amount of space left on Olivia's bed. There was just no way that she could fit. And Olivia couldn't shift her body without causing unbearable immeasurable pain. She shook her head.

"Liv," Alex's voice was apologetic, "I'm sorry but I can't. I really don't think it's a good idea. One wrong move and I could hurt you. Hurting you is the last thing I want to do." Alex's chest clenched painfully as the pain in Olivia's eyes made itself known. Alex knew that no matter how many excuses that she gave, that Olivia would take it as some sort of rejection. Sure enough, Olivia turned her neck so that she was looking away from Alex and closed her eyes.

"Honey," Alex's voice was soft. "You going to give me the cold shoulder now?" Alex asked sadly. Alex let out a frustrated sigh when Olivia pulled her hand out of Alex's grasp. "Oh come on, Liv…What do you want from me, Liv?" Alex asked finally.

"The only thing I want right now is for you to hold me," Olivia scoffed, "Hell, the only thing I've ever wanted in the last 3 years is for you to hold me. But obviously it's not going to happen." Olivia brought her forearm up to block the light from her eyes. "So why don't you just leave and let me get some sleep?" Alex winced as if he had been slapped. She stood up staring at Olivia with hurt coursing through her. Her thoughts flitted back to the night before the Connors trial. She'd always be grateful for the comfort that Olivia gave her that night, the way Olivia had held her in her arms. Alex had never felt safer than she did in Olivia's arms. That was the only thing that made Alex feel as if everything would be all right. Taking a deep breath, Alex sat down on the edge of the mattress. Olivia's forearm dropped away, revealing warm chocolate eyes, which stared at her in confusion. Carefully, Alex eased herself down into a laying position in the small space that was left. She felt a bit unsettled as she realized that half of her body was hanging over the edge. Olivia gritted her jaw, working hard to free up another two or three inches of space for her. Alex offered her arm to Olivia, as she slid closer.

"Place it wherever hurts the least," Alex whispered, "I don't want to hurt you." Alex closed her eyes and Olivia's hand guided her arm to a place high on Olivia's stomach. Alex's arm bent at the elbow as Olivia held Alex's hand to her chest. Alex swallowed at the contact.

"You feel that?" Olivia asked softly.

"Yes." Alex replied rather breathlessly. "I don't think I've ever been so happy to feel something in my life." Alex admitted. "You have a strong heart."

"It's beating for you," Olivia said honestly.

"Liv," Alex's voice was barely a whisper.

"Do you have any idea how many times I've wished for death in the past seven days?" Olivia asked finally. "Fuck, it hurts," Olivia moaned tears traitorously leaked from her eyes.

"You want me to press the button?" Alex asked, reaching for the manual control to the morphine drip. "Liv, I don't want to see you suffer."

Olivia shook her head. Rubbing at her eyes, with her thumb and index finger. "No."

"Sweetie," Alex's voice broke. "I can't bear to see you like this. Please."

"I'm afraid," Olivia breathed as a sob broke through.

"Why?" Alex propped herself up so she could see Olivia's face. "I'm right here, baby. Everything is going to be fine. Things are going to get better. You've already made so much progress. Drew says he's never seen anything like it." Olivia didn't respond, and Alex's heart squeezed a little in her chest as Olivia bit back another sob.

"My mother was an addict, an alcoholic," Olivia said finally. "She drank herself to death." Alex swallowed over the lump in her throat. "And my dad, he was a junkie. He did pretty much every drug known to man. He was rarely sober."

"You're afraid because you feel that you're more prone to addiction," Alex said knowingly. "You don't want to become dependant on the pain medicine."

"I know what narcotics do," Olivia said brokenly, "I've seen it firsthand. People lose who they are and drive away the people they love the most. They lose days, weeks that they can't remember. And the possibility of that happening…I just can't do it."

"Liv," Alex breathed as she saw Olivia squeeze her eyes shut. "Liv, look at me. Please," Alex begged. She pulled her hand from Olivia's and carefully stroked the brunette's face. Olivia finally opened her eyes allowing Alex to see dark chocolate, ringed with bits of red. "I promise you that I will not let you lose yourself," Alex promised. "I'm going to be right here the whole time. And we're going to get through this together. You don't have to be afraid, Liv. You've already proven time and time again that you're your own person. And the fact that you're fighting this so much tells me that you're stong enough and responsible enough to push the button when you need the medication without abusing it." Alex slipped the button into Olivia's hand.

"You'll be right here with me?" Olivia asked softly.

"Yes," Alex replied. She let out a sigh of relief as Olivia pushed the button. A beep sounded on the machine signaling that the request was heard. Olivia watched in fascination as the cold liquid dripped slowly into her central line and then into her body. She could feel the cold spread through her body with every beat of her heart. Olivia clamped her eyes shut as she waited for the rush. Within another blink of the eye it came, taking with it the pain in her body. Olivia let out a relaxed breath, opening her eyes. She found two orbs of blue peering deep into her eyes and it took her breath away.

Olivia was unprepared when Alex lowered her body so that she hovered over her. The blonde was careful not to touch Olivia for fear of hurting her, but her head came down. Olivia closed her eyes as their lips brushed together. It was a gentle and saccharine kiss. Olivia pushed up on her forearms to apply more pressure. Alex's tongue darted out of her mouth to trace over Olivia's dry lips, moistening them. She begged entrance into Olivia's mouth, but it did not open. Moments later, Alex pulled away. Olivia's soft eyes looked up at her in amazement. Olivia's breathing was rapid.

"Was that too forward of me?" Alex asked worriedly. "I'm sorry. It was, wasn't it?"

"No," Olivia breathed, pulling Alex down for another kiss. This time it was more urgent, but chaste. "It's just that I haven't gotten a chance to brush my teeth yet today. And I can only assume that my breath smells and tastes like that of a woolly mammoth."

"Want me to go get you a toothpaste and toothbrush?" Alex asked with a smile.

"I don't know, counselor," Olivia's eyes glinted, "You intend on making a habit of kissing me?"

"Yes." Alex replied. "As a matter of fact I do."

"Then yes," Olivia replied. Olivia closed her eyes as Alex departed into the bathroom. She was in there for a moment before she walked back out with two Styrofoam cups, some paper towel, a toothbrush, some toothpaste, and mouthwash. Olivia inclined the bed so she was sitting up a little and accepted the first cup full of water. Alex dipped the toothbrush into the cup with water in it to wet it, then pulled it out and squirted some toothpaste onto the brush and handed it to Olivia. Olivia took it eagerly. She couldn't wait to get the dry, stale taste from her mouth. She still wasn't allowed to drink much. Olivia stuck the brush in her mouth and vigorously began to brush every inch of her mouth. The mint in the toothpaste tasted amazing as she brushed her pink tongue. When she was finished, Alex offered her the empty cup.

"Spit," she instructed and Olivia spit into the cup. "Rinse," Alex spoke as Olivia brought the cup to her mouth and took a sip of water, swishing it around in her mouth before spitting into Alex's proffered cup. Olivia's lips quirked into a smile as Alex handed her a paper towel to wipe away the dribble on her chin. Alex seemed to always be one step ahead of her. When Olivia was finished, wiping away the excess. Alex took the cup of water and handed Olviia a small vial of mouthwash. Olivia uncapped it and took a swig of the green liquid. She swished it around her mouth, wincing at the coolness of the alcohol on her taste buds. She swished it around for a good 30 seconds before finally spitting it out.

"Ahh," Olivia breathed, happy to have fresh breathe. "That's much better. Thank you."

"You know its no problem," Alex smiled, taking it back. Olivia watched as Alex walked back into the bathroom to dispose of the two cups, and the paper towel. She walked back out a minute later with a smile on her face. "So where were we?" she asked aloud.

"Oh right," she said as Olivia's eyes glinted at her mischievously. Alex walked forwards, bending over the detective. With slight impatience, Alex closed the gap, her lips finding Olivia's. Olivia kissed back, this time her mouth opened, and Alex eagerly slipped her tongue inside. Olivia let out a moan as Alex's tongue began to explore the contours of her mouth. It was a perfect kiss, everything that they both could want, except for the fact that Alex couldn't really touch Olivia the way she wanted. They were both immersed deeply in the kiss when a voice had them jolting apart. Drew cleared his throat as he looked away a bit of heat in his cheeks.

"I'll uh…come back later," Drew said, heading for the door.

"No," Alex spoke, "it's okay. Come in." Drew looked to Olivia for reassurance. When the brunette nodded, he ducked inside.

"How are you doing?" Drew asked, looking encouraged by what he saw.

"I'm doing good," Olivia said, her heart still pounding from the kiss. "Together, you guys are taking pretty good care of me."

"Still, I doubt I can top Alex's treatment," Drew smiled coyly, causing a blush to overtake Alex's cheek.

"Drew," Alex glared at him slightly.

"What?" he asked innocently, "It was a joke."

"Uh huh," Alex said, crossing her arms over her chest protectively. "So...Did you come here for some purpose?"

"Just wanted to check up on Olivia," Drew replied. "How about I do a quick check to make sure she's doing all right." He looked to Olivia. "Mind if I take a listen to your heart and lungs?"

"Not at all," Olivia replied, Alex helped her sit up to give Drew better access to her back.

"So, I never asked. What made you decide to become a doctor?" Olivia asked, trying to make conversation.

"Well," Drew smiled. "I got taken in by the Cabot's and I really wanted to make something of myself. I knew that they supported me wholeheartedly, and so I never set any limits. I did an internship in college with medical research and I liked it so much I decided I wanted to pursue medicine." Drew shot a smile at Alex.

"Taken in?" Olivia asked, picking up on the context.

"Yeah," Drew replied. "Alex and I were best friends in high school. We were pretty much inseparable. I uh…really didn't have a very good living situation, and so umm….the Cabot's were nice enough to give me a place to stay. They wound up adopting me Junior year. Although, I still can't guess as to why."

"Oh come on, Drew," Alex interrupted, "You and I both know that you are the best choice they ever made. And whether or not we share the same blood, you'll always be my brother."

"Alex is honestly the best sister and friend that anyone could ask for," Drew smiled.

"I know," Olivia offered in return.

"Alex is secretly grateful for me because I softened the blow of her not going to law school," Drew explained. "You see, Alex kind of pissed off Mom when she decided she wanted to be a lawyer. I guess that you could say that I was the peacemaker. I went to Medical school and Alex went to Law school. It was a win win."

"I'm glad Alex became a lawyer," Olivia smiled, "She's amazing at what she does. You're pretty good too."

"Thanks," Drew chuckled. "I think there was a compliment for me somewhere in there."

"There was."

Drew straightened up. "Well, your lungs sound good. And so does your heart." Olivia shifted as Drew pulled up her gown. "Your bruising is looking better too. They're starting to heal."

"When can I start physical therapy?" Olivia asked eagerly.

"Soon," Drew replied, making a note in the chart. "I'll talk to the department and see what they think. We should give it another few days though."

"Okay," Olivia spoke, slightly crestfallen. "I just want to go home."

"Liv," Alex's brow furrowed as Olivia talked about going home for the hundredth time this week, "I know that you're miserable here, and that you want to go home, but you really need to slow down a little. You can't go home yet, and frankly, the sooner you accept that, the better off we're all going to be." She could see Olivia's jaw tighten, and Alex knew she had said something wrong.

"You think I don't know that?" Olivia choked out bitterly. "You think that I haven't grasped onto the fact that I can barely move, Alex?" Olivia paused for dramatic emphasis, "Do you think for a moment that I haven't accepted the fact that I'm still peeing into a plastic bag because I can't make it to the fricken bathroom?" Alex winced. Olivia took a deep breath, beating Alex to the punch.

"Sorry," Olivia said apologetically. "That came out differently that I meant to."

"I know, Liv," Alex apologized. "And I'm sorry. I can't imagine what it is like."

"It's just that things are so hard," Olivia breathed, "I'm trapped here in some sort of nightmare. I want to start physical therapy so I can get my life back and go home." Olivia ran a hand over her face.

"Liv," Drew piped up, "It's okay. We know it's frustrating." Drew took a deep breath. "Look," he swallowed, "I'll talk to them about starting physical therapy. Why don't you try to get some rest?" Olivia nodded. By the time Drew was out the door, Alex was back in Olivia's bed, her arm wrapped around the detective.

* * *

A week later Alex walked the long narrow hallway of Mount Sinai hospital as she made her way to the elevator. Upon finally reaching the metal doors, they pealed open on cue, allowing her to see it's sole occupant, who was no doubt a sandy haired, green eyed, and very exhausted looking, Elliot Stabler. He caught her gaze almost immediately as her eyes wandered up from the floor.

"Alex," Elliot spoke in a friendly manner, "It's good to see you."

"Elliot," she smiled, "It's good to see you too." He leant his arm against the side of the elevator, propping himself up as Alex entered the elevator.

"Hey, Have you seen, Olivia?" Alex asked quietly. "She wasn't in her room when I went to see her."

"She's up in the physiotherapy department for the morning," Elliot replied with a glance back at Alex. "They're trying to get her back on her feet…"

"Oh," Alex choked out. "And she didn't want anyone there?"

"No," Elliot shook his head, "I don't think so. I mean… If it were me, I would probably want privacy. It's hard for her… Learning how to do something all over again is no easy feat. Especially when it is something that she's been doing without any thought for years. Now…everything is different."

"Yeah," Alex swallowed hard over the lump in her throat. She didn't feel like Olivia should be doing this on her own. As they reached the lobby, the doors parted, and Elliot made to get off of the elevator. When Alex made no move to follow, he looked back at her with confusion.

"You're going up there?" He asked.

"Yeah," Alex swallowed, "I know she'll probably rip off my head for doing so, but I don't think she should be doing this all by herself.

"Tell her I said hi," Elliot said as Alex hit the button for the sixth floor and the doors pealed shut. Alex sighed as he anxiously waited to reach the sixth floor. As the doors opened this time, she sprang quickly from the box and walked down the hall. She only managed to get a little lost before she found the place she was looking for. She paused for only a moment before pulling on the handle of the heavy glass door. The sight that met her, gave her hope.

Olivia took a deep breath as she progressed down the narrow walkway of the physical therapy department. Her breath came in small spurts as she tried to walk. She centered most of the weight on her upper body as she pushed herself along the thin metal railing on either side. She felt proud as she took one step and then another. She struggled to continue as the demand started to become too much for her.

"Olivia," she heard a soft voice reprimand, "Slow down…easy." Alex felt her heart begin to pound as she watched Olivia take one step and then another. Olivia let out a gasp of surprise as her arms gave out under the strain. Alex also ceased breathing for a moment as Olivia plummeted towards the floor. Luckily the therapist was ready and caught her under the arms. Olivia's eyes jumped from the floor to where Alex was standing. She knew that Alex was there. Alex waited for a moment as she watched Olivia tense. It was easy to tell that Olivia was a bit embarrassed at Alex seeing her this way. Alex stopped breathing as Olivia turned and her deep chocolate brown eyes met with her concerned blue ones. The physical therapist seemed to take notice of a tension between the two because she spoke.

"How about we take a break?" she didn't wait for Olivia to respond as she helped her back into a wheelchair. "Okay. I'll be back in minute."

"Hey," Alex breathed softly as she walked forwards.

"Hi," Olivia returned as she began to fidget with her hands as she sat in the small chair. Alex could see the thin sheen of sweat covering Olivia's body. "How did you find me?"

"Elliot told me that you were up here," Alex revealed finally. "He says hello, by he way."

"Oh," she sighed. "Well, I figured you'd find out somehow."

"You finally get Drew to let you begin therapy?" Alex asked, kneeling down.

"Yeah," Olivia swallowed, "This is actually my second day." Alex's brow furrowed.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Alex breathed, her expression hurt.

"Because I know that you think it's too soon," Olivia replied honestly. "I know that you don't think I'm ready."

"That's not true," Alex argued. "Liv, I want you to get better."

"Then why did you fight me on it?" Olivia inquired.

"Because I know you," Alex sighed, "Olivia, you're the kind of person who hits the ground running. I just don't want you to get hurt." Alex grabbed Olivia's hand and held it. "So how are you doing?"

"Well," she answered honestly, "I could be a lot better. But…I'm doing okay." She took a deep breath. "The physical therapist says that I'm doing really well for this stage."

"You are. And I'm proud of you," Alex said as she knelt down in front of her and softly brushed Olivia's cheek with her hand. "Liv, you're stronger than I ever could have imagined. To think…to think that only two weeks ago I was afraid that I was going to lose you… It just makes this all the more amazing. You. Are. Amazing."

"Yeah?" Olivia gave a smile as she brushed back a strand of Alex's soft blonde hair, "I'm just glad to finally be doing this. I mean…you know I've been getting a bit stir crazy…Not to mention the fact that I think that being alone with my thoughts is starting to drive me a little insane. I'd rather be doing something…anything." This statement immediately elicited a response from her love.

"Olivia," Olivia smiled, "You can take it slow, you know? I know…I know that you can't wait to walk again. And I know that you must already be thinking about going back to work, but…take your time okay?"

"Alex," Meredith breathed, "I don't think you understand how hard it is to slow down, when all I want…. Is for things to get back to normal. It's hard for me. If I slow down then I start to think about…" Alex didn't need her to finish.

"You still itching to go home?" Alex asked, her eyes twinkling slightly.

"Yes," Olivia replied shifting in the chair, "I really am."

"Well," Alex swallowed, "Liv, I've been thinking." Alex could see Olivia's eyes light up as she sensed something in the way Alex was speaking. "And I was wondering how you'd feel about staying with me for a while." Alex took a deep breath, continuing before Olivia could interrupt her. "I…ummm talked to Drew and he says that since you've regained some of your mobility that you might be able to receive home care. Instead of staying in the hospital for another two weeks, Drew and the nurses would come to you. We'd continue your treatment there."

"At your apartment?" Olivia repeated.

"Yes," Alex nodded, "Someone will still need to be with you twenty four seven in case any complications develop." Olivia let out a sigh. Alex could see the wheels turning in Olivia's head.

"Lex," Olivia breathed, forcing a smile, "I appreciate the offer, but I can't impose upon you in that way." Olivia looked upset.

"You wouldn't be imposing, Liv," Alex said honestly.

"Yes I would," Olivia argued, "Whether you're offering or not, I'd be imposing. Because you can't possibly understand how difficult it would be to take care of me at your apartment. I mean…I still can't move without any assistance. I can't sleep through the night. I…I don't want you to do this purely for my sake." Alex took a deep breath and averted her eyes as they started to burn. Of course it was stupid to think that Olivia would be cavalier about the idea. The truth is, that Alex thought Olivia would jump at the chance.

"I'm not doing it for just your sake, Liv," Alex said finally, "I'm doing it for mine too. You're miserable here. Admit it now. You hate hospitals. And frankly, I hate seeing you like this."

"Oh Alex," Olivia said softly, "It's not that."

"Then why not?" Alex asked. "What about the idea is so bad?"

"A lot of things," Olivia groaned. "I mean for starters there is the cost. I have crappy insurance, and I know for a fact that my insurance won't cover home care when it's more expensive then staying in the hospital. Then there is the fact that you'd be taking on so much responsibility just to save me the restlessness of being in the hospital. Alex, what you're offering is sweet, but I can't accept."

"I can pay," Alex said quickly. "If that's the issue. Liv, I have excessive amounts of money that I haven't touched in a decade. I could think of a billion worse ways to spend it. Drew said that he will care for you for free. It's the medical supplies that will cost the most." Alex held Olivia's gaze. "Please."

"How you've stuck by me this long, I have no idea," Olivia whispered, closing her eyes. "I'm afraid if you have to put up with me for another two weeks I might drive you away completely."

"Is that what you think?" Alex was surprised at Olivia's honesty. "Baby," Alex breathed, grabbing both of Olivia's hands. "It's gonna take a hell of a lot to ever pull me away from you again. You can try to piss me off as much as you want to over the next couple of weeks, but I'm still not going to break."

"You're completely serious?" Olivia inquired.

"Yes," Alex replied tersely.

"And you're not going to take no for an answer?" Olivia said with amusement.

"I'm not going to take no for an answer," Alex replied with a glint in her eyes.

"Then okay," Olivia breathed. "I just hope this doesn't back fire."

"I love you, Liv," Alex said honestly.

"I love you too," Olivia said softly, as she reached for the blonde. Olivia's hand curled around the back of Alex's neck, pulling the blonde close for a kiss. The kiss did not lack passion.

* * *

Please read and review! Let me know if you'd like more!


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: A Beautiful Mess**

_**A/N:**_ _**So wow. It has been so long since I've updated any of my stories. Life has been absolutely crazy lately. I guess that's what happens when you take a full credit load in addition to two lab science courses. In many ways, I'm really disappointed in the way that life has gotten in the way of my passion. I love to write pretty much more than everything else. It's an outlet for me in so many ways. I love it as much as music, and it pretty much takes precedent over everything else in my life except for sleep. Unfortunately, I'm not like some of the authors on here who can function on two hours of sleep. I wish I was, but I'm just not built that way. This chapter, which I've chipped at piece by piece for the longest time is finally at a length where I'm willing to share it with the outside world. It's been a real struggle, but with some awesome reviewers, I finally am managing to get it up tonight.**_

_**I would like to dedicate this chapter to one reviewer in particular, moors60. The message that was sent to me did in fact do wonders for my mood and my self esteem. It also served as a motivation to get this done. Sometimes, I feel like others don't understand how difficult it can be to write a story. It's so easy to lose steam during the whole process, and all it takes is some writer's block and you honestly feel like you've hit a brick wall. In this case, it was more a matter of finding the time to get it done. Thankfully, I hit Spring Break and was able to use my free time to finish this chapter. I have to say (to all of the readers and reviewers that have stuck with me) that I am deeply grateful for your kind words. I will always be grateful for any encouragement and wisdom that you guys have to offer. And so now…as a reward for your patience, here is your update!**_

* * *

**Title: Gifts and Curses**

**Fandom:**L&O: SVU

**Pairing:** Alex/Olivia

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the SVU universe. Any writing is done purely for recreational purposes. No ill harm is intended.

* * *

Olivia's eyes drooped lower and lower over her eyes as her head leaned back against the headboard. She hummed gently under her breath as she watched Belle twirl around the ballroom with the beast, to one of the most memorable songs of all time. The sound wafted through the speakers around her, echoing off of the walls of Alex's master bedroom. Olivia hadn't seen the movie in years, and was struck by the movie's sheer beautiful message, while at the same time, feeling as if she couldn't help but feel a little bit cynical for that same reason. After all, it had given her some very unrealistic expectations about life and love. After seeing the horrors that mankind was capable of on a daily basis it was hard not to let it tarnish the beautiful innocence that movies such as this had to offer.

Olivia smiled, closing her eyes softly. If it had to be put into the context of her life, Olivia immediately decided that Alex would have to be Belle and Olivia would be the beast. A strange thought, I know, but quite true nonetheless. Undeniably, Alex is an extremely compassionate individual, whose care for others is always at the forefront. For a long time, Olivia had always thought that no one could possibly feel more for the victims or fight as hard for them as she could, and yet, Alex has given her a run for her money since day one. There is no doubt that both women could be a little too passionate when it cames to particular aspects of there job. And there is certainly no denying that Olivia could be aggressive when it came to expressing her feelings, especially when she held dissenting opinions from others. There are times Olivia knew that she came across as that of a unsympathetic individual, or in harsher terms, a bitch. In the case of Alex, people's opinion could be much the same. An outsider, who didn't know the blonde ADA well, may have made the mistake of associating her with the beast. However, the more one gets the honor of knowing the blonde, the more they realize that she is highly deceptive in that regard. The attorney, though she is usually quite guarded, often lets her guard down when she is with people she genuinely cares for and trusts. Olivia considers herself fortunate enough to get to see much of what makes up the blonde. It is clear that the blonde has many warm emotions inside her that ran very deep. It is a rarity that the blonde let anyone inside. And yet, there she was, welcoming Olivia into the depths. And it was so incredibly beautiful.

Alex often told Olivia stories late at night, when Olivia was drifting off to sleep. It made Olivia want to fight to stay awake. She wanted to know everything that there was to know about the blonde and cherished everything that the young ADA had to give. Most of the stories Alex told her about were from the days of her childhood, when she considered herself to be young and innocent. She often discussed the role and expectations she was expected to fill at such a young age. Olivia decided that she didn't envy the blonde at all. There were plenty of good things Alex had to share as well, of course. They were often things about her father, whom Olivia knew Alex loved unconditionally. The blonde couldn't help but smile as she talked about him, and Olivia suspected that in some ways she idolized the man. That was the only thing that Olivia envied. She wished for a father of her own. If anything she wished she could have met the man, whose daughter had stolen her heart.

From what Olivia heard about Alex's father, the more she understood about why Alex was the way she was. He seemed like a true philanthropist. Just like Alex, he had always been about putting others first.

Olivia wasn't exactly sure of the reasoning behind the blonde's change of heart. Only a few weeks ago, Alex had given up on the possibility of them being together. She had pushed Olivia away in every way she knew how. Now, the gorgeous woman hardly ever left her side. Olivia could only assume that the wounds, and the fear, they had both suffered through only weeks ago had connected them on a much deeper level than Olivia could have ever expected. In was unfortunate that it happened under these circumstances, but Olivia was just happy to be getting a second chance at life, and a love to make it all worthwhile.

Olivia's eyes closed briefly, due to the soreness and irritation in them, but she was still awake as Alex walked into the room only a moment or two later.

"Are you falling asleep again, baby?" Alex's said softly as she picked up the remote from next to Olivia and turned down the volume.

"Hmm?" Olivia murmured sleepily, blinking her eyes open a few times as her eyes tried to readjust to the light.

"You want to turn the movie off and take a nap?" Alex inquired softly, as she bent over Olivia lightly and kissed her on the forehead. While she was doing so, she made a point to look into Olivia's eyes. They looked nearly black in the darkness, but only because Olivia's pupils were dilated to let in enough light in the dark room. Olivia had regained most of her sympathetic and parasympathetic responses to stimuli back, but she was still in the midst of intense therapy to make sure the accident hadn't cost her brain the ability to function. Olivia's let her eyes close again as Alex ran her fingers over Olivia's healing face in a gentle caress. The bruises were fading. In some places the woman's otherwise tan complexion had undercurrents of fading green. The comfort Alex provided left Olivia with no other wishes than to curl up in the blonde's arms and sleep. The blonde seemed to notice Olivia's sudden desire to do so because she added.

"I'm starting to wonder if you're ever going to make it through a single one of these movies." Alex chuckled softly.

"Mmm," Olivia replied, reluctantly opening her eyes once more, "It's your fault you know…"

"My fault?" Alex chuckled, "How is it my fault? Is it because I somehow make you want to take naps?"

"You touching me like that, it makes me want to curl up with you," Olivia admitted. Alex closed her eyes, savoring the touch herself.

"Do you want to take a nap, Liv?" Alex asked finally. The thought of climbing into bed, although it was still the middle of the day, was tempting. She had been trying to work from home to the best of her ability, but her heart wasn't in it. It seemed like there was always some sort of interruption getting in the way of her work, such as Olivia needing her help to the bathroom, or needing to take a shower. As her heart picked up in her chest, Alex realized why she had been running herself ragged. It was because she loved the woman in front of her.

"Another nap? Naw," Olivia replied, "I want to finish the movie. I was just dozing because my eyes just kind of hurt." Alex's brow furrowed.

"Your eyes hurt?" Alex repeated. "Does your head hurt?" Alex's questions picked up in pace as thoughts and concerns started to race through her mind. "Do you have another migraine?"

"No, Lex…No. It's nothing like that," Olivia backpedaled quickly, "I think they're just dry or something. Everything is fine. I promise." Alex closed her eyes for a long moment. She didn't mean to sound so distressed every time the tiniest thing happened. It was just frightening because she was way outside of her own element. Drew was there nearly every two hours to check on her and nurses were stopping by even more frequently. There was someone with medical training there pretty much around the clock, But it still scared Alex half to death when one of the machines started going off, or Olivia complained of pain and migraine headaches.

At one point just a couple of days before, Olivia's heart monitor had started going off. Alex was sobbing during her entire conversation with Drew on the phone. Only to find out that it was because a lead had come loose. Alex took another deep breath.

"Hey," Olivia breathed softly, reaching out to grab Alex's hand gently in hers. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," Alex forced a smile. Olivia saw through it immediately, pulling Alex down onto the bed with her.

"Sweetie," Olivia spoke softly.

"Liv," Alex breathed, her voice pleading and full of need. Olivia took advantage of the blonde's position and stole a kiss. When Olivia finally pulled away, Alex nuzzled Olivia's neck.

"It's going to be okay, you know?" Olivia whispered. "I know that there have already been some scary moments, but everything is fine."

"I know," Alex nodded softly, her face still buried in the crook of Olivia's neck as she breathed her in.

"You know, I'm starting to feel like you're in worse shape than I am," Olivia said softly, stroking Alex's hair, "I'm just worried about you. You're putting everything you have emotionally and physically into caring for me. I…I need you to take care of yourself."

"Liv," Alex replied as she pulled away, "You make it sound so easy."

"I know…" Olivia swallowed, "And it's not. Obviously. But…you have to trust that things are going to be okay."

"I… I just wish that I didn't care so much," Alex breathed. "Not about you," Alex corrected her words quickly, "But about everything. I feel like I have to do everything… And I'm afraid that if I let anyone else do the work that they won't do it right." Alex inhaled Olivia's scent, once again.

"Alex," Olivia swallowed, "You can't do everything."

"I know," Alex agreed, "I know."

"You know," Olivia, breathed, "If you need a break from me. I would completely understand."

"Liv," Alex replied, "What makes you think that I want to get away from you."

"Lex," Olivia shifted so that she could look in Alex's eyes, "Be honest. It's okay." Olivia kissed her softly, "I know you care about me, but I don't deserve this. You've already done so much for me."

"You make it sound like this is temporary, like I'm doing this because I feel obligated," Alex looked visibly upset. "What exactly do I have to say to prove to you that I want this? I've been in love with you so long, Liv. And I did everything in my power to fight it but I couldn't."

"Alex," the breathlessness in Olivia's voice told the blonde Olivia was doing everything in her power not to get emotional.

"Don't look at me like that!" Alex ordered finally.

"Like what?" Olivia challenged as she pointedly looked away, "I'm not looking at you."

"You still look at me like this…thing between us is going to vanish at any moment," Alex spoke, her voice thick with emotion.

"You didn't want me," Olivia replied matter of factly. "I wanted you and you pushed me away." Olivia swallowed, "And then I wake up and you're with me every minute of every day, telling me that you love me." Olivia squeezed her eyes shut. "Can you really blame me for waiting for the other shoe to drop?"

"Then you need to stop waiting," Alex said sternly, as she grabbed Olivia's hand in one of hers, twining their fingers together. "I'm not going anywhere, Liv." Alex looked deep into Olivia's eyes. "Look, I was scared, okay? Loving you…wasn't the question." Alex took a deep ragged breath, "But when something happens, like it did that night. It seems to put things in a whole other perspective." Alex slipped her hand carefully over Olivia's chest, feeling her heartbeat. "The fact is, I love you Olivia. And I couldn't think of anything more tragic than missing out on the chance to do so."

"Okay. It's settled then," Olivia smiled, giving Alex's wrist a tug. "Climb in. It's time for some cuddle time."

"Cuddle time?" Alex's brow's rose mockingly on her forehead. "What are we suddenly five? Oh wait, do you want me to read you a bedtime story?"

"Mock it if you will, but I can tell when my sweetheart needs some relaxation," Olivia replied. Alex needed no further prompting. Olivia's heart began to quicken as she watched Alex lower herself onto the mattress, carefully crawling to Olivia's other side. She lowered herself down, opening her arms for the detective. Olivia moved into them without pause, lowering her head down into the crook of Alex's neck as her arm wrapped around Alex's middle. She breathed in deeply, drinking in the comforting scent of the blonde.

"Mm, you make a comfy pillow," Olivia murmured, "But that's not why I'm about to fall asleep right now. I'm tired"

"Liv," Alex murmured softly, her breath raspy as Olivia began to move her hand softly over Alex's middle, slipping it under the blonde's tank.

"Sorry," Olivia apologized, "It's just that you feel so warm." Olivia lifted her head, from Alex's shoulder. The blonde reacted instantly, leaning up to claim Olivia's lips hungrily in her own. Her tongue slipped inside, tangling with Olivia's as they both fought for control. With her thumb, she caressed the brunette's face tenderly, running her thumb over the brunette's cheek. She was stunned at the older woman's beauty. It was one of the very first things she had noticed about the brunette when she first met her. But it was the depth of emotions, the genuine compassion for all of her coworkers, and the victims she worked with that had made her fall in love with the woman, whom she now considered to be her best friend. A moan that escaped from parted lips, had them both freezing. Neither one could be sure who it had come from. Perhaps it had been the both of them. But they knew they were close to crossing the line. Both of them felt as if they're bodies were on fire, aching for something more.

"Lex," Olivia moaned again as Alex slipped up and brushed Olivia's tender abdomen. Alex squeezed her eyes shut, scarcely daring to breath.

"I know," Alex, breathed, "I know. I'm sorry." She wasn't sorry, of course. She couldn't help but crave Olivia. She felt as if she had never desired something more in her entire life. But the fact is that anything more than kissing or platonic touching was simply unfeasible. Not only was it an impossibility because of the sensitivity of Olivia's physical condition, but it was also out of the question due to the fact that they both wanted to do things right.

For a long moment, they both held their breath and closed their eyes, trying to quell all of the rather apparent ways their bodies were calling out to them. Alex gasped as another shift had Olivia's hands brushing already sensitized flesh. Olivia froze again. They laid like that for one heart stopping moment like that after another. Minutes passed as they both became too afraid to move. Finally, Alex was brave enough to break the silence.

"Liv?" Alex's voice was barely above a whisper. Alex's tone was breathy as she waited for Olivia to reply. She received no reply, however. Alex let out the breath she had been holding as she turned slightly onto her side. Another exhausted sigh fell from Alex's lips as, began to run her fingers up and down the inside of Olivia's forearms. The brunette's eyes were closed and the woman's breathing was deep and even as she slept peacefully.

Alex held Olivia as closely as possible, carefully caressing the older woman as she slowly drifted off into sleep herself. She had been in the midst of a very good dream, when a noise had her awakening abruptly. Alex sat up, looking to the still brunette next to her. With slow methodic movements, Alex slipped out of bed and padded from the room. As she walked she quickly ran her fingers through her hair, combing it. She was very self-conscious as she reached the foyer to find a tall, well-built looking Elliot Stable, tip-toeing around as if he were afraid he'd disturb anyone.

"Hey," Alex's voice had him jumping. Quickly she reached out to grab the vase his abrupt movement had jarred, catching it before it could hit the floor.

"Hi," Elliot replied quickly. "Sorry to drop in unannounced. I uhh… brought lunch. I figured that you wouldn't be able to leave, so…." Alex smiled, her heart warmed by Elliot's generosity. Slowly, Alex took the proffered bag, opening it and peering inside.

"Oh, Elliot!" Alex smiled, "You got my favorite! Thank you, you're such a godsend." Elliot chuckled under his breath. He was simply happy to do whatever he could to help.

"Anything for you, Alex," Elliot replied. "Seriously, you've been amazing. I don't know how you do it. Bringing lunch is the least I could do." Together they walked for the kitchen, still trying to remain as quiet as possible.

"So…" Alex cleared her throat as she pulled two plates down from the cupboard, "What is your afternoon like?"

"I took it off, actually," Elliot revealed, observing the look of surprise on Alex's face.

"Really?" Alex asked, as she busied herself and opened the silverware drawer. "And why would you do that?"

"Because Liv called me," Elliot said, dishing up a portion of Chicken Marsala to each plate. "She thinks that you're starting to get overwhelmed, and asked me to come baby-sit for a while so that you could get out for a venture in the city."

"But I don't want to go anywhere," Alex replied honestly, "Not without her."

"What about work?" Elliot asked, "Olivia says that you've been talking about it non-stop for the last three days."

"Crap," Alex pushed her hand against her forehead, letting out a tired sigh. "That was unintentional. I guess…I just have been obsessing because I needed the distraction."

"Alex," Elliot replied reassuringly, "Hey. No one blames you for that. We all just want you to be happy, and not so overwhelmed. Which is why I'm going to take care of Olivia this afternoon while you run into work and make sure everything is in order to your liking."

"El," Alex's throat felt tight as she realized she didn't want to leave Olivia. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," Elliot nodded. "Alex, she'll be fine. You know I'll be with her nearly every second." Then he added. "You can trust me, Alex."

"I know," Alex smiled sheepishly as she blushed. Alex looked thoughtful for a moment as she weighed her options. "Okay…Okay. I'll take the afternoon. But I'll try not to be gone more than a few hours." Elliot picked up the plates and headed for the dining room. Leaving Alex to follow with the drinks.

"There's something else that I wanted to talk to you about," Elliot said as they sat down together and started eating.

"What's that?" Alex asked worriedly, detecting the apprehension in his voice.

"We pulled the tapes from the block that you requested. The tapes came from the traffic cameras at the nearest intersection. We're in luck. We have a very clear still frame shot, showing that Rodriguez ran the red. We have a second fairly concise image that also puts him behind the wheel. I figure that should make your job a whole lot easier." Elliot commented. Alex watched as he lifted a bit to his mouth, chewed, and swallowed.

"What about the cameras near the apartment building?" Alex asked, pausing before taking her next bite, "You find anything of interest?"

"Well, yes but…" Elliot swallowed, "We think it's not going to benefit the case any more than the other evidence we have already compiled. We have the car used in the accident, and Olivia's blood on the hood. Additional video is simply unnecessary."

"El, What is it you're hiding?" Alex tried to keep the cold edge out of her voice as she responded.

"Look," Elliot sighed. "One of the cameras we pulled from the convenience store across the street caught most of the situation on camera."

"As in… they have footage of Rodriguez…"

"Holding a man at gunpoint and taking the car from the curb," Elliot replied, hoping it would be enough. But Alex could see enough in his expression to know that there was more.

"Elliot, what about the rest of it?" Alex asked setting down her utensil. "Will you just be honest with me for once and stop tip-toeing around the truth?" Alex swallowed deciding to be even more direct. "Does the footage show Rodriguez doing anything more? Does it show him hitting Olivia?" The way that Elliot looked away from her as she asked that question told her all she needed to know. Elliot let out a ragged breath as he ran a hand across his face.

"I want to see it," Alex said simply. "The video. Whatever it is, I want to see it."

"No!" Elliot's protest came out a lot louder than intended. His booming voice echoed around the dining room. Alex jumped slightly, nearly knocking over her glass in the process. "You don't want to see that tape, Alex," Elliot said assertively. "Trust me."

"And why not?" Alex inquired in rebuttal. "I'm going to prosecute this case, Elliot. At some point, I'm going to need to see the footage on that tape."

"No," Elliot shook his head. "You're not. Cragen already handed the case over to another ADA, Alex. This one hits way too close to home for all of us, especially you. You are far too involved to prosecute the case."

"So…what?" Alex said angrily, her jaw tightening, "I don't get that choice? I don't get to prosecute the guy that nearly killed my girlfriend?"

"Alex," Elliot stood up just as the blonde did the same. "Calm down."

"No!" Alex's own alto voice boomed. "How in the hell are you okay with that, El? This pisses me off. I need to prosecute the case. I should have the choice!"

"Why?" Elliot asked softly, taking a step forwards. He could see the tears building in Alex's eyes. "Why do you have to be in charge, Alex? We'll get justice for what happened either way. You don't have to be the one sitting first chair."

"Fuck that. I need to prosecute because I need the closure!" Alex admitted emotionally. "I'm just as human as everyone else out there who has been affected by a crime. I need te closure. I need it just as much for me as I do for her!"

"Alex," Elliot sighed, drawing her into his arms. "I understand that you want that. But Liv…. S-She doesn't even want us to add attempted murder to the charges."

"What?" Alex's voice inflected at the ridiculous notion. "Why not? Is she crazy? Hector tried to kill you. Both of you!

"She's convinced that it won't matter…that he's going to get life in prison either way," Elliot replied. "She doesn't want to have to go through the trial, and she certainly doesn't want to see the tapes." Alex pulled away, shaking her head.

"She's…. She's not thinking clearly," Alex shook her head. "Is she actually afraid of being the victim? She's acting like a hypocrite. For god's sakes, she's the one who pressures women who don't want to testify into doing so, by telling them that they put an end to the cycle and keep others from getting hurt. There is a precedent for cases like this Elliot! People who endanger the lives of police officers have to be held accountable. Because otherwise…otherwise there's nothing to stop any fugitive on the streets from taking a shot at you…. at her next time another cop goes after them with a warrant."

"Alex," Elliot spoke softly as he tried to latch onto her wrist. "That already happens. Fugitives are always going to take shots at us. To them, we're their biggest threat. Just…try to understand what it's like for Liv right now. She can't do anything more than take a single step at a time."

"I get that, okay?" Alex snapped back, "But that doesn't give her an excuse to be a coward."

"Alex," this time the name was spoken warningly, and with reprimand.

"Don't," Alex said harshly, her blue eyes flashing. "Don't you dare stand in front of me and tell me I'm overreacting."

"Look," Elliot tried putting up his hands, "I understand how you feel. Believe me. I do… but I'm not about to get involved in that. It's…It's her choice Alex. Not ours. Her life."

"Bullshit," Alex hissed. "If we have enough to convict, then I'm going after Hector with everything we got with or without her consent."

Elliot sighed as he watched Alex flee from the room. He trailed after her, leaving a fair amount of space as a buffer between them. He watched her walk over to her attaché case, before she finally wrenched it up from the floor.

"Alex," Elliot spoke softly grasping her gently behind the elbow. "Wait… Please."

"Do you have any idea how unfair this is?" Alex asked tears shimmering in her eyes. "I…I can't do this. It's…it's not fair."

"Where are you going?" Elliot's brow furrowed. "Alex…"

"For once in my life? I don't know where I'm going," Alex muttered between repressed tears, "I have no fucking clue." Alex looked towards the bedroom, then to her watch. "You'll take care of her for me?"

"Of course, Alex," Elliot swallowed, "Whatever you need."

"Okay. Good," Alex replied breathlessly, still choking back tears. "She's umm…sleeping. But she's almost due for her pain medicine in 30 minutes. You need to give it to her, otherwise she'll forget to take it." Alex swallowed. "A nurse should be by to check on her soon. Just keep an eyes on her when they're not here."

"Okay…" Elliot swallowed, "I can do that. Will you be back for dinner?"

"I…I don't know," Alex admitted as she rushed for the door. "I just…I don't know." The second the door slammed shut, rattling slightly. Elliot let out a deep agonized breath.

"Fuck," he whispered under his breath. He shouldn't have told her about any of it. He should have known that she would react in such a way. It was times like this that he felt really dumb. In the back of his mind, Elliot knew where Alex would end up. He knew that Alex wanted to see those tapes badly, and expected Alex might kill Hector with her bare hand if she could get hands on him afterwards. Elliot had already fantasized about doing such things in his dreams, but he knew better than to act on his feelings.

Expelling another tense breath, he pulled his phone from the clip at his belt and dialed a number, waiting for the other end to pick up. Finally, a voice replied in greeting.

"Hello? Who is this?"

"Hey. It's me, Elliot," Elliot breathed. "Look, I think I made a mistake. Alex Cabot might be on her way to see you. If she shows up, you can't let her look at the tapes." He paused as he listened to the man's rebuttal. "No. I don't care if she threatens your life. You still can't let her see them. It's important." Elliot squeezed his eyes shut as he pressed his thumb and forefinger against each eye, seeing stars behind his eyes as he did so. "Okay…Okay. Thank you."

Within thirty minutes, he was rousing Olivia. He had to admit that he was encouraged with how good she looked for this stage of the game.

"Hey," Elliot breathed as he kissed her forehead in a platonic manner. "How are you feeling?"

"Good," Olivia's voice was still thick with sleep. "Pretty good. Where's Alex?"

"I told her to go out and get some fresh air," Elliot swallowed, feeling incredibly guilty. He tried to hide it the best that he could. "So…it's just you and me for a while."

"Oh. Okay. That's cool," Olivia pushed herself up into a seated position, as she tried to sound excited. "So, what's on the agenda?"

"I don't know," Elliot replied with a shrug. "I figured that we could just watch a movie or something? Maybe play a board game."

"OOo," Olivia's face lit up in a smile. "Let's do that."

"Alright," Elliot smiled, happy to see her smile like a carefree kid. "What do you want to play? Backgammon? Or maybe something a little less intense? Trouble, perhaps? Or Monopoly."

"Actually, how about Scrabble?" Olivia said finally, knowing he was purposely neglecting to mention it. "I like it, but Alex _always_ wins. It would be nice not to have to play it with a know-it-all for once."

"Aww, come on!" Elliot pouted, "You're joking, right? You do realize that you're just as much as a know-it-all. You _and_ Alex _always_ kick my ass at Scrabble. Why can't we just play something that I have a fair chance of winning at? Just for once!" Olivia laughed good-naturedly. Though it was more superficial. It hurt to engage muscles in her lower abdomen, so she avoided doing so as much as possible. "Do you act like this when you play games with your children? Because, El, let me tell you that it's kind of pathetic…" She laughed harder as Elliot chucked a pillow in her direction, though he purposely miss-aimed letting it sail high over her head.

"I'll have you know," Elliot said calmly, "I kick some serious booty when it comes to Clue, Trouble, and Uno! Unfortunately, my kids are dirty cheaters, so I rarely ever win.. It's gotten to the point where I just pretend I don't notice that they're slipping cards up their sleeves. So, do you see what I'm up against? Two know-it-alls and a bunch of power hungry kids…" Olivia laughed again. Elliot could sound so much like a child without realizing it.

"I could definitely use a boost to my ego right now," Elliot pouted, attempting to take a different approach.

"Uh huh," Olivia replied with another smiled, "Right. Well, this might come as a bit of a shock to you, Elliot. But I really don't think that your ego needs any more inflation."

"Ouch. That hurts," Elliot fake pouted as he put his hand over his heart. "Why do you seek to hurt my feelings?" Olivia had to bite her lip to keep from laughing.

"Okay…. fine," she conceded, "We can play Monopoly, if it's that important to you. But seriously, if the game lasts more than an hour, I'm out… I don't have the same kind of stamina that I used to anymore." Elliot couldn't help it as he began laughing.

"Of course you take it out of context, you pervert." Olivia reprimanded. "Seriously, you know what I mean."

"That was mean, Liv," Elliot said finally as a shade of scarlet worked its way up his neck. "Okay," Elliot punctuated his reply as he jumped up, "I'm going to go get the board game. You on the other hand, need to take your medicine." Olivia nodded.

"You need me to get it for you?" Elliot asked, looking around.

"No," Olivia shook her head. "It's right here within reach. On the bedside table." Elliot's eyes confirmed that fact, and he was rushing off as Olivia knocked back a couple tablets of her stronger pain medicine.

Sure enough, two hours later, they were still going at it. Namely, they were still going because Olivia was winning and Elliot refused to accept defeat. The nurse had stopped by a little while ago, and Olivia had complained of some mild pain and discomfort. Elliot watched as the nurse changed most of Olivia's dressing and made sure that Olivia was still it tiptop shape. Twenty minutes later, and they were back at it. Elliot bit out a loud expletive as he landed on boardwalk for the third time in the last hour.

"Boo-yah!. That's my property. Pay up, partner." Olivia commanded with a wicked glint in her eyes.

"I hate you," Elliot said with fake resentment as he chucked all but the three dollars he had across the board in her direction.

"Aww," Olivia teased. "I love you too, El. But you know what? I think someone's a sore loser." Olivia goaded, reaching out to pat him on the cheek. "It'll be alright. You'll win someday…I mean with your awful track record, it's bound to happen. Once."

"Seriously," Elliot laughed a moment later, "What the hell are we doing? What two self-respecting adults sit down and actually play through a game of Monopoly?"

"I know," Olivia, returned, "We're pretty pathetic, aren't we? At the very least we should be drunk."

"Well…unfortunately alcohol is a no no, but at least _you're_ on potent pain medicine," Elliot chastised. "And you're certainly not the one who's suffering here." Elliot winced as he heard the words aloud in the space between them.

"Fuck," Elliot groaned under his breath as his head suddenly dropped into his hands, "That came out wrong. I…I didn't mean that."

"El," Elliot felt two persistent hands grasping at his hands as they tried to pull him away. "Hey. Don't…don't feel bad. Because I'm not…I'm not suffering, you know? I mean sure, it sucks…but it's not that bad anymore."

"Liv," Elliot dropped his hands, allowing Olivia to look into his eyes.

"God, if we can't joke about this sort of crap anymore, El, then what can we joke about?"

"I don't know," Elliot shook his head. "It's just… everything still feels so raw. My emotions at home, at work… It's just hard not to think about, all of it you know?" Elliot swallowed, "I'd be hard pressed to admit this, Liv, but you've always been the rock in our unit. Always… Without you there things just don't seem right."

Olivia swallowed, lowering her head as well. "Look, El. I don't know what you're thinking, but I…. I don't know what happens next." Olivia paused. "I mean…I'll be in therapy for a while, but even then… I don't know if I'm going to be able to go back to what I was doing before." Olivia tried not to wince at the look of disappointment on Elliot's features.

"It was probably stupid of me to think that you'd be back," Elliot said sadly.

"No," Olivia spoke emphatically, "No… Don't do that. I said that I didn't know what was going to happen, not that it wouldn't." Olivia sighed,

"Sorry," Elliot sighed. "It's not that. It's just everything. I can't help but worry about you all the time."

"Believe me," Olivia nodded, "I know." Olivia breathed, "I'm still waiting for Alex to stop looking at me like I'm going to break at any moment."

"It's because she loves you," Elliot spoke honestly. "She…umm… she probably doesn't even realize she's been doing it. Just…try to put herself in her place, Liv. She's under a lot of emotional stress."

"I know she is," Olivia nodded.

"Hey…umm… How about we watch a movie," Elliot suggested in hopes of changing the subject. "Wind down a little from this strenuous game of Monopoly."

"Sure," Olivia replied quietly, "Another movie sounds good."

"You think you can make it through one?" Elliot joked.

"Sure I can," Olivia reassured him. "Hey!" Olivia added quickly, "I'll have you know. I made it through Alice In Wonderland a couple of days ago."

"That's right," Elliot smiled softly, "You did, didn't you. And you made me endure every minute of it with you."

"Hey!" Olivia smiled, "That was a treat. I tell you, if you ever want to go on a real trip. Try watching that movie on high levels of painkillers. I'm surprised I didn't have a seizure or something."

"No," Elliot wriggled his finger. "No seizures allowed. God, Alex would kill me." Elliot swallowed, "You know…you're right. I probably shouldn't have let you watch that movie."

"Nonsense," Olivia shook her head slowly, "Tim Burton is a true visionary. I had to see that movie. I'd been meaning to see that for nearly a year but never got around to it because I was too busy with everything else."

"So what are you thinking for the movie?" Elliot asked finally. "Action, Comedy." Elliot made a face and then muttered, "Chick flick?"

"Aww," Olivia smiled, "No. I won't make you suffer through another chick flick. How about we go with action. I can appreciate a good action flick." Elliot jumped up and eagerly began sifting through Alex's mini movie collection, calling out titles he thought might interest his partner. Finally, they came into agreement and popped one into their blu-ray player.

About an hour into it Olivia's eyes began to slip lower and lower over her eyes. Every so often her head would start to drift backwards, and then snap forwards again as her eyes opened wider. Elliot caught this about the fifth time it happened.

"You want me to turn it off?" Elliot asked softly running his hand over her shoulder as she curled up, against him.

"No," Olivia replied quickly, shaking her head as she tried to wake herself. "I'm good."

"Liv," Elliot sighed, "If you're tired then you should sleep."

"I'm not tired," Olivia bit out a little more emphatically than intended. It was clearly a lie. Elliot frowned as her complexion was a little more flushed than usual, but shrugged it off as her being a little warm.

"Okay," Elliot breathed. "Okay." Elliot turned his face back to the images flicking across the screen. He had lost track of the plot a long time ago and was mainly there for moral support. A terse breath fell through his lips as Olivia's voice echoed around the room.

"She's not coming back tonight, is she?" Olivia asked finally. Elliot quickly turned to find Olivia looking distraught. "That's why you're here, cuddled up with me in bed, watching a movie that has no plot whatsoever, isn't it?"

"I…I honestly don't know when she'll be back," Elliot replied as he raked a hand over the top of his head and ran it down the very tight muscles at the back of his neck.

"Was it something that I did?" Olivia looked visibly upset.

"What? No," Elliot replied quickly. "Liv, honestly, it's not your fault. If anything…I think it's mine."

"Oh. Okay," Olivia muttered absentmindedly.

"Okay?" Elliot's voice hitched as he waited for Olivia to clarify. "Liv," Elliot sighed. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine… .Just turn off the move, El." Olivia said finally. With an undercurrent of weariness in her tone as well. "I think I am going to go to sleep." Elliot watched as Liv, slowly curled up, burying her head into the pillows. Elliot let out a pained sigh. Quietly, he stood up, flicking off the television as he walked out of the room. He couldn't bare to stay in the room, knowing he had caused Olivia's somber mood. It was his fault after all.

It was late when Alex finally came home. She looked a little worse for wear. Elliot could see the red around her eyes, and the look of defeat on her features.

"Hey," Elliot whispered as he stood up, taking her bag from her shoulder before he helped slip off her coat. He followed her over to the couch, where she plopped down. Elliot sat down in the chair across from her. The coffee table was the only barrier between them. "Why do I have a feeling you saw the tape?"

"Because I look and feel like I just got my heart ripped out?" Alex sniffled. "Yeah. I know that you completely disagree with my need to do so, but I just had to see it."

"Alex," Elliot breathed, closing his eyes as he leant forwards. Slowly, his fingers rake over his temples, trying to dislodge the tension in his jaw. "You know…I cried for about three hours after I saw that tape. Thinking back on that moment, I remember…I honestly thought that that was it. I thought that we had finally used up all of our close calls and that my partner was going to die on that sidewalk." Elliot's voice broke at the end of the statement. "Believe it or not…I do understand your need to see the tape. You probably needed to see it for the same reason I did."

"But I….I shouldn't have seen it," Alex shook her head as more tears came. "Because I already think about that night almost constantly. And now, I'm never going to be able to get that image out of my head." Alex looked around, her body language changing in an instant.

"Alex, what's wrong?" Elliot's brow furrowed, equally on edge.

"Where's Liv?" Alex asked calmly. "She's not out here is she?"

"No. She's in the bedroom sleeping," Elliot looked at his watch, "She's been out for a few hours now."

"A…A few hours?" Alex stood up, looking uneasy. Alex had a bad feeling, and Elliot wasn't sure what he'd done wrong."

"Yeah," Elliot replied, "But don't freak out. I've been checking in on her every half an hour."

"What about her pain medicine?" Alex asked.

"What?" Elliot's brow furrowed. "Oh, the nurse stopped by two hours ago and gave her some pain medicine then." Elliot swallowed, "Olivia was in some pain, but when the nurse gave it to her, it knocked her right out again. She was back asleep in fifteen minutes."

"Elliot," Alex tried not to sound too angry as she told him, "She's supposed to have pain medicine every single hour! Not every other hour!"

"But you said…" Elliot tried to slow Alex down as she rushed for the bedroom. She shoved open the door and Elliot winced as the faint sound of whimpers echoed around the room. Elliot watched as Alex's eyes fell on Olivia. The brunette thrashed in the sheets as Alex nearly ran across the room and flipped on the bedside lamp. Elliot winced. Olivia looked awful, she had a strange tinge to her skin. Deep flushed skin and sweat made up most of Olivia's face. Elliot watched as Alex's hands darted to Olivia's forehead.

"She's spiking a fever," Alex's voice trembled. "Elliot!"

"What do you need me to do?" Elliot asked worriedly. "I…I'm so sorry. She was fine. I swear. She was fine, Alex."

"I know…I know, Elliot," Alex tried to keep the worst of emotions out of her voice as she tried to rouse her girlfriend. The blood pressure had spiked on the monitor she was constantly hooked up to.

"Liv…." Alex breathed, wincing as the brunette's body shook and quaked under her hands. Olivia was drenched in sweat, and the stale smell wafted up to Alex's nostrils, making her more concerned. The severity of Olivia's fever could cause Olivia to become dehydrated quickly. "Liv, baby. Wake up, sweetie…" Alex's head turned to look at Elliot.

"Call Drew," Alex's voice quavered, "Tell him that she's spiked a fever and I can't get her to wake."

"Alex…."

"His number is on the fridge!" Alex nearly shouted. Alex's hands trembled, as she brushed her fingers over the contours of Olivia's face. Alex reached to the bedside table, slipping a thermometer into Olivia's mouth. Within a minute it was beeping. Alex's heart raced as she saw the number.

"Okay, I called him. He says he'll be here in twenty minutes," Elliot announced as he rushed back in, "He says if you think it's bad enough we should call an ambulance. He trusts your discretion."

"I….I don't know what to do," Alex breathed, "Her fever is so high." Alex closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. "I need…we need….Let's get her into a bath. We have to try and cool her off."

"Alex?" Elliot looked just as frightened.

"I'm going to go run her a bath," Alex spoke quickly. "Stay with her and bring her in after a couple of minutes." Elliot nodded as Alex fled for the master bath. The tub was nearly filled when Elliot walked in with Olivia cradled in his arms as if she were incredibly precious.

"Okay," Alex's voice was slightly more even, "Help me get her in the tub."

"Okay," Elliot's voice shook. Together, they peeled off the damp t-shirt and boyshorts, Olivia was wearing and lowered her into the tub. Alex grabbed a rag and began dabbing at Olivia's flushed skin. The brunette's eyes fluttered in response to the soothing touch, combined with the coolness of the washcloth.

"Liv," Alex breathed softly, stroking the woman's face with her free hand, "Liv, you with me, baby?"

"MMm?" the response had Alex's heart stopping in her chest. Elliot was as deeply affected. Elliot jumped as a loud knock sounded at the door.

"Drew," Alex said simply. "He got here fast."

"I'll get it," Elliot announced quickly, practically sprinting from the room. Olivia's eyes opened, a moan escaping her lips as she took shallow breaths.

"Lex?" the older woman hardly formed the words. She was deeply lethargic.

"Shh…I'm here, Liv," Alex reassured her as she dabbed the woman's neck. "Right here."

"What…What's wrong?" Olivia murmured her eyes shutting again as her eyes closed.

"Liv," Alex spoke quickly, "This is important. You're spiking a fever. Are you in pain, sweetie?"

"Yes." Olivia replied as her body shivered in the cold water, "Hurts…"

"Did you take your medicine, Baby?" Alex spoke, trying to keep Olivai conscious. "Did you take it?" Alex let out an exasperated breath as Drew came rushing in.

"She's barely lucid," Alex said as Elliot pulled the damaged and distraught woman into his arms, "I can't get her to talk." Drew knelt down. Drew looked at her pointedly.

"Her fever was 104," Alex announced, "I had to get it to come down."

"Easy…Easy, Alex," Drew said as he felt Olivia's pulse. "You did good."

"Her pulse is racing, and her blood pressure is high," Drew whispered, "I'd say her pain spiked out of control. The effect of pain on the body can be dramatic. The blood pressure itself directly correlates with high levels of pain. The fever, however, could be the result of some sort of infection."

"I-It's my fault," Elliot announced guiltily, "S-She missed a dose."

"Hey," Drew turned his head to address the two, very distraught caregivers. "It probably wouldn't have made a difference. Don't blame yourself. Sometimes…oral pain medications aren't as well received as they are intravenously." Drew opened his bag. "Let's get her out of the tub. I'll start a fresh I.V, and give her some pain meds as well as some antibiotics as a precautionary measure."

Alex hovered nervously at Olivia's side as Drew inserted the I.V. and hooked the brunette up to some fluids. She watched as he drew vials of blood to be tested for the etiology of the infection.

"It's not your fault, you know?" Drew said for the third time. "I can see you blaming yourself, but sometimes it's no one's fault."

"I just don't understand," Alex shook her head, "She was doing fine. The oral pain medicines were working."

"It's hard to explain," Drew shook his head. "The best way I can explain it is that some important nerves in her body were injured during the accident. In conjunction with the problem she's been having with her heart rate, she may also be having issues related to enervation of her digestive tract. Both organs are stimulated, via the parasympathetic nervous system by the vagus nerve. If that nerve has been damaged, as we suspect, then it may affect her stomach's ability to empty. Since pain medicine is actually absorbed in the small intestine, there may be a significant delay before the pain medicine is being absorbed. Thus, leaving her with long periods of time between pain relief." Alex watched as Drew measured out a vial of Demoral and injected it into the I.V. Olivia stirred slightly.

"The fluids are helping her lucidity," Drew announced, "But I just gave her the pain meds, and that will keep her under most of the night. "I'd say you have a few minutes." Alex swallowed, watched Drew dump the syringe into the portable hazardous bin he carried with him, while dumping her blood into special bags. "I'll give you some privacy." Alex nodded, watching him walk from the room. Olivia body was still shaking, but her breaths were a bit more even then they had been just minutes ago. Alex reached out for her, brushing her face softly.

"Liv?" Alex's voice quavered. "Liv, it's me. Alex." Alex's heart clenched painfully in her chest as she waited for a response.

"Mmm," Olivia's eyes flickered open slowly. It took a few moments, but Olivia finally realized Alex's presence. Alex watched as Olivia's eyes lit up. "Hey…. you're here."

"Yeah, baby," Alex swallowed, choking back tears, "I'm right here. How are you feeling?"

"Not so good," Olivia breathed, "I'm really tired."

"Yeah, I know," Alex nodded, kissing Olivia softly. "Just know that everything is going to be fine. I'm with you. You can rest now."

"Mmm," Olivia sighed. "Lex?"

"Yeah, hon?" Alex whispered.

"Are you angry with me? Did I…Did I do something wrong?" Olivia asked, her face scrunching up in pain and confusion.

"No…Never," Alex swallowed. "It's just…it's been a long day."

"How so?" Olivia asked innocently, wanting to comfort Alex as much as possible.

"I…. I ummm….I saw the tape, Liv," Alex swallowed, "Why…Why don't you want the DA's office to file charges?"

"You disagree with my decision…" Olivia breathed knowingly.

"I want to know why you refuse to let us prosecute," Alex replied. "Liv…"

"I know why you're angry," Olivia replied calmly.

"With all due respect, I don't think you do," Alex became emotional as more tears fell from her eyes. "I almost lost you. I came so close to losing you…"

"But you didn't," Olivia reminded her. "I'm here, Alex. And Hector is going to get the maximum sentence no matter what."

"It's not enough," Alex argued.

"So that's what this is about. You want to file the charges because you want to seek the death penalty and you hope that filing the additional charges will help you get a needle in his arm.," Olivia said knowingly.

"So what if I do?" Alex challenged. Suddenly she let out a deep breath. "Damn…I can't believe that I'm arguing with you over this." Alex tried to brush away her own tears, "I'm sorry. I…I just can't seem to let this go."

"You don't have to apologize for it," Olivia replied. "Alex, you're adamant about it because you care." Olivia swallowed. "Maybe you're right. Maybe the DA's office should file the charges."

"Liv," Alex's voice broke.

"No," Olivia shook her head. "You're right. I mean…geez… Never once did I feel like I would be afraid to be the victim. I think that's the hardest thing to admit in all of this. Because… Because I just feel so powerless. I hate it."

"LIv," Alex breathed softly. "Even if you are a victim, it's nothing to be ashamed about. What happened… what happened to you was a crime. It wasn't your fault. Just what would you tell a victim that blames themselves for what transpired."

"That what happened was out of their control," Olivia replied honestly, "That they have nothing to be ashamed of, and that they shouldn't be afraid to get justice for themselves and all of the other women out there."

"Then run with that," Alex encouraged. "Liv, I'm not saying you have to. Ultimately it's your choice. Just know…I will support you no matter what. I guess that we can always just continue to figure it out as we go along…" Alex who had looked away for a split second looked back at Olivia's face to find her dead to the world. Apparently, their few minutes was over, and Alex wanted nothing more than for Olivia to be in peace, especially after seeing how much the girl had been suffering just minutes before. Alex let out a ragged sigh, bowing her head. It was going to be a rough couple of months, but she felt as if they were already through the worst of it.

_**So that's it for now. I will do the best i can to update soon! Hope you liked it! Please Read and Review!**_


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